Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Narcissism
Tagged as abuse, father, mother, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic, parents, personality
My NM is doing this now. She is garnering sympathy as the victim of my “crime” of going NC. This involves convincing those close to me that she is completely innocent and I am completely in the wrong. I don’t think that she’ll ever stop trying to hurt me as long as she lives.
Ugh… that is awful. I’m so sorry. I swear, narcissists remind me of “The Terminator.” Ever see that old movie? The terminator was trying to kill someone & the guy protecting her said something like, “You can’t bargain with it. You can’t reason with it. I won’t ever stop!” That’s how narcissists are with their desire to hurt their victims.
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Exactly. It’s hard for normal, non-narcissists to believe that a mother could go to such lengths, and for so long a time, to hurt the child she brought into the world. That’s what I’m up against now. And it doesn’t help that the abuser lies so convincingly.
It’s hard for us to believe they go to these lengths & we’re in the situation! It definitely doesn’t help that they lie so well. I wonder if they can do that because they lack conscience or because they believe their own lies. Anyway I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you ever want to talk, let me know ok??
I had to look it up on YouTube. Yep.. terminators sound like narcissists!!
Thanks, Cynthia. And yes, a N is most definitely like the Terminator. They also greatly resemble the Borg. They will never stop in their efforts to hurt their victims, and they believe that our “resistance is futile” as they work to make us into drones to serve them. Sometimes art really does imitate life.
Oh yes!!! I actually refer to my late mother in-law & sisters in-law as the Borg. They wanted me to assimilate into their family & forget any friends & family I had. Resistance is futile after all.. lol
That’s what narcissists want- drones to serve them. So very true. Also so very sickening.
Stumbling on your video is very timely. You are sharing so much insight, Thank you. I hope you don’t mind me spilling what is on my mind onto your comments page again:)
My father is now in the hospital…his cancer is spreading throughout his body, I have been No contact for almost a year…I feel pressured to make contact with him, I feel terrible that he is dying- despite all that he has done to our family, I have a brother whom I have never met because he had an affair that my mother is unaware of- I worry about my obligation to him. My mother is a N too, and continues to try to ruin my reputation among friends that work in the hospital that he is now in. I am tempted to call my father before his time runs out- to give him peace. My mother is surrounded by his family whom, I have heard, vow to ditch her when he dies, they have N tendencies as well. Thus, essentially leaving her alone in that part of the country, among a series of undiagnosed mental conditions, my father is a hoarder with storage lockers jammed full of “antiques”; he will be leaving a lot of things that undoubtedly my mother will have to tidy up. My mother has suffered a lot being married to him – she has been verbally and physically abused (on many occasions she has wished him dead). Also, she has had many losses in the last 2 years with the death of 2 brothers and I am sure my husband and I moving across the country with our children hasn’t helped. I keep imagining how I would feel- and am incredibly sorry for her. I want to be the “good” person she has always tried to guilt me into being- but she is so needy and like a well that can never be filled, she refuses to get help for herself. A few years ago I had a nervous breakdown over familial pressures – later figuring out that I probably suffer from PTSD. Over the past few months, I had been managing well until the recent decline in my father’s health. I keep trying to be the mother I wished I had, trying to protect my children from drama and rage and paranoia- but because my parents were so critical of me and everyone they came into contact with, I feel that my children may get the wrong message by me not being more compassionate to my family. The weight of this makes it hard to focus on finding a job and wearing a breadwinner’s face, luckily my husband was able to gain employment. I too, aspire to write, picture books for children – a ridiculously hard market to break into. I digress, the pressures and stakes are high in this tangled web. My friends haven’t experienced a parent dying yet. Most people I know came from decent upbringings. I am not sure how to navigate. My sister says the venom is gone from Dad- but he keeps referring to us as MY girls when he speaks with her as in I love MY Girls( that is always an easy word to say- actions are harder to follow through wit) in his own way (splashing money around and holding it over us) I guess he feels he loves us. Any insights would be appreciated. I feel so guilty thinking about myself – much like I did when I was a child. My parents’ lives and problems always trumped that of my own, which they often smirked and relished over.
I don’t want to rob my kids of their childhood.
Thank you for your time!
The best things I can think to tell you are first, pray. Ask God to help you know His will for you in this situation. Then consider the situation as objectively as you can. If it helps, pretend a friend was coming to you with his exact same problem, looking for advice. What would you tell that friend?
Remember that there is nothing to feel guilty about for protecting yourself & your family from toxic people, even when the toxic people are family. I know, easier said than done. I battle with that too, way more often than I’d like to admit. It’s still true though. It also provides an excellent example to your children! It’s easier to let your parents have their way & subject the kids to their abuse as witnessing them abuse you than to stand strong & say “no” to narcissistic parents.
I can’t tell you if you should visit your parents or not at this time.. Only you know in your heart what is right. I can tell you this though- if you decide not to go, then don’t let anyone pressure you into going. THere is a reason you can’t go. Did you see my post about what happened when my father was dying? If not, read it! And, if you do decide to go, probably it’d be best to contact the hospital & see if you can arrange a visit when no one else is there. You won’t need the extra drama & abuse others can bring to the situation, especially at this time. Hospitals are used to dysfunctional families, so they may arrange a visit with your father outside of normal visiting hours. It’s worth asking about!
I wish you the best with whatever you do! ❤
By the way.. this is the post I mentioned…
Thank you for your understanding and all your insight! I re-read your post…made me feel hopeful. I ended up calling my Father in the hospital. He was still up to his old self- no enlightenment…nothing…he was exaggerating his condition and the treatments he was receiving for sympathy. At least he didn’t lay on the guilt for me not being by his side; instead he said he was proud of me for making the move…it proved to him how strong I was (we moved because his abuse was getting out of control).
You’re so welcome! Glad to help! 🙂
Wow! That is so cool your father said that! How validating that must have been to hear, especially from him. I’m so happy for you!
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