Things To Watch Out For When Going No Contact

If you are at the point in your relationship with the narcissist in your life where you are ready to go no contact, I truly wish you the best.  It’s not an easy decision to make, so it shows you have courage & strength just to make the decision.  You’ll need it to follow through with it.

 

So many people that write about narcissistic abuse make it sound like it’s all so simple.  “Just” cut the abuser out of your life & all will be fine from now on.  Unfortunately, that is very far from true!

 

The narcissist may not respect your decision.  Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, so why would they respect this one?  They think they alone should decide what happens in relationships, & if the other person in the relationship makes any decisions like setting boundaries, that person is wrong.  They often do things like constantly trying to contact you via phone, email, text or social media.  They sometimes say they want to know what’s wrong, but truth be told, they only want to tell you why you’re wrong for feeling the way you do.  They also may say they’re sorry.  Listen to the apology if one is offered.  Most likely it’ll be a fake apology designed to pacify you & lure you back into the relationship.  Something like “I’m sorry if I hurt you”  “I’m sorry you feel that way” or lame excuses for their behavior.  A genuine apology offers no excuses, genuinely admits to wrongdoings & behavior changes.  Use your discernment & what you have learned about narcissism so you don’t fall for the act & apology!

 

Granted, most narcissists smear their victims behind their back for years in order to discredit the victim (in case the victim tells others of the abuse, she won’t be believed), but it gets worse once you initiate no contact.  The narcissist will tell anyone who will listen about how mean you are, how you hurt her, how she doesn’t understand why you’d behave this way & more.  This is basically damage control- if the narcissist can convince others you are mentally unbalanced or even just a bad person somehow, others will believe the narcissist’s version of events over yours.  The narcissist’s reputation then will remain in tact while yours is in shreds.  As counter productive as it may sound, refuse to defend yourself.  Any self defense will be construed as you being just as awful as the narcissist said you are.  Sadly, you still will lose friends & family, but if they blindly believe a narcissist, you truly are better off without them.  People who truly love you won’t believe the narcissist’s lies.

 

Do not feed the flying monkeys!  If the narcissist can’t reach you because you have blocked their access to you, they will send flying monkeys.  It’s a given.  They are going to come out of the woodwork & tell you how sorry the narcissist is, they didn’t mean to hurt you, they were just trying to help, she had a bad childhood so she didn’t know any better & a plethora of other lame excuses why it’s OK that the narcissist abused you.  They are convinced the narcissist is right & you’re wrong & they don’t want to be bothered with the truth, so don’t waste your breath telling them the truth.  Their loyalty to narcissists knows no bounds.  Ignore the flying monkeys!  If you can, avoid them or sever ties with them.  If you can’t, refuse to discuss the narcissist or anything about the narcissist with them.  Tell them the topic isn’t something you’re willing to discuss with them.  Change the subject.  Repeatedly.  Be rude if you must.  Hang up the phone or walk away.  Repeat as often as necessary.

 

Stand strong in the truth.  You know what happened.  You know what the narcissist is capable of.  Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.  Write down everything you can think of, so that way if you feel any doubts, you can read over your experiences to remind you of what made you come to this difficult decision.

 

Work on healing.  When there is a narcissist in your life, it’s nearly impossible to heal because they take up so much time, energy & thought.   Once they are no longer in your life, that is gone.  It’s a huge relief!  It also means your mind has more time, energy & thoughts it can devote to your healing from the abuse.  In fact, it may not give you a choice.  I found that some time after being no contact with my narcissistic parents, I started having more intrusive thoughts, flashbacks & nightmares than usual.  Thankfully, it didn’t last forever & they calmed down after a while.  During prayer, God told me it was because I no longer had to function in survival mode.  My brain needed to heal from so much & hadn’t been able to do it for a long time.  It was like it was forcing me to face things so it could feel better.  I figured if these things were happening, I might as well use them to my advantage.  The more you heal from things, the less intrusive thoughts, nightmares & flashbacks you have about them & they eventually can disappear

 

Most of all, pray.  People can be a great support of course, but not everyone understands your suffering.  God, however, does.  He will help you to cope & to heal as well as comfort you when you’re hurting if you let Him.  All you have to do is ask.

 

Advertisements

5 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

5 responses to “Things To Watch Out For When Going No Contact

  1. Another word for this type of person is Abuser! I know, because I survived a 20 year relationship dealing with the devil.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s