Going No Contact Doesn’t Fix Everything

There is a good amount of information out there about going no contact with narcissists.  Many articles make it sound like going no contact will solve all of your problems.  It definitely solves some.  No longer having a narcissist in your life means you are no  longer abused, which of course is a great thing.  However, even so, it doesn’t solve all of your problems!

 

When a person has eliminated a relationship, people always seem to have opinions.  There are even more opinions when the relationship in question is with a parent.  The adult child is often referred to as selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, unreasonable & more.  People often act as though you made this choice on a whim, when nothing could be further from the truth!  The worst part is this judgement often comes from people close to you that you never expected would behave like this towards you.  Not only does what they say hurt a great deal, but some people will side with the narcissistic parent & abandon you.  Rarely does a person who severs ties with a parent have many allies.

 

Going no contact also doesn’t heal the wounds that your parent inflicted upon you.  Those wounds are still there.  You still are going to wake up each morning with C-PTSD, anxiety &/or depression.  If you also were physically abused, the scars aren’t going to vanish just because your abusive parent is out of your life either.

 

In fact, I found in my experience and in talking to others that after implementing no contact, suddenly they felt they had more issues to deal with than they had previously.  Repressed memories came up, they had more nightmares than usual, anxiety was much worse, they were very depressed & more.  I firmly believe the reason for this is because when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that narcissist basically takes up almost all of your thoughts.  You’re so busy trying to figure out ways to please them or at least not trigger their wrath.  You may be trying to find a way to escape the relationship unscathed.  You’re definitely trying to maintain your sanity in an insane situation.  Once the relationship is over, those things are gone.  Your mind is free of a huge burden.  Now it’s time to process all of what you have been through, & your emotional floodgates let loose.  It can be pretty scary & overwhelming.  I try to make the best of it, & remember these things that have come up are doing so for a reason.  I talk to God about them, & write about them in my journal as ways to help me heal.

 

No contact is a very viable solution when dealing with narcissists.  Often, it is the only solution.  However, it isn’t an easy one.  Dear Reader, if you’re considering going no contact, please know that it won’t solve all of your problems.  It will help you a great deal, but don’t expect it to be easy.

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11 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

11 responses to “Going No Contact Doesn’t Fix Everything

  1. ibikenyc

    “. . . I firmly believe the reason for this is because when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, that narcissist basically takes up almost all of your thoughts. You’re so busy trying to figure out ways to please them or at least not trigger their wrath. You may be trying to find a way to escape the relationship unscathed. You’re definitely trying to maintain your sanity in an insane situation. Once the relationship is over, those things are gone. Your mind is free of a huge burden. . . ”

    Thank you for this. For a while I was so bored that I found myself actually poking the bear, as it were, just for something to do. It sickened and horrified / terrified me at first.

    It has been and still is alarmingly-difficult to focus on myself.

    Heartbreakingly-difficult.

    How could I have gotten to this age knowing so little about / of who I really am?

    I read, write, and sleep a LOT these days.

    Like

    • Big hugs to you, friend. I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through & still are going through. The good thing though is you ARE learning who you are! You’re growing & learning, which are wonderful things. I know it’s hard to think of yourself but it does get easier in time. The more you do it the easier it gets. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • ibikenyc

        Awww. . . thank you so much, Ms. Rug!

        Merry Christmas, by the way.

        Earlier on in my journey I read over and over from survivors that they actually ended up being grateful for what they’d been through because the ordeal(s) took them to places they would not otherwise have gone. I never doubted that, but it’s nice to be living it!

        Like

        • You’re welcome! Merry Christmas to you too! ❤

          I've seen a lot of people say that too. It's great to have that attitude! I don't have it.. I'm grateful for what I've learned but I can't honestly say I'm grateful for what I've been through. Maybe one day.

          Liked by 1 person

          • ibikenyc

            Well, I don’t mean grateful like “GEE-THIS-IS-THE-BEST-THING-THAT-COULDA-HAPPENED-TO-ME!” grateful.

            Maybe it’s more like a part of how, although I do still *#$^ing DESPISE him when he lays into me, most of the time I just genuinely pity him.

            Like it’s part of forgiveness, or something?

            I so hope and wish that you have peace and keep finding more. I believe you will one day feel your own version of this. I can’t imagine how it could be otherwise for someone so self-aware and spiritual as you.

            Like

            • LOL! I would hope not *that grateful! That’d just be weird..

              When you describe it that way, then maybe I am grateful.. that’s much like how I feel about my parents. I never heard it described that way.

              Thank you.. you’re very sweet. ❤

              Liked by 1 person

              • ibikenyc

                There’s a movie called “Get Out Your Handkerchiefs” that was a huge hit probably in the Seventies (you’re too young to remember; as an aside, you will be shocked at how suddenly and readily you will find yourself saying that to others, BTW!). Never saw it, but I use the title to express when I’m feeling weepy in a good way!

                Thank you for YOUR sweetness!

                (Don't know why it took me so long to figure out how to make the heart; DUH!)

                Liked by 1 person

                • lol. It’s embarrassing to admit how often I at least think that…I mean, didn’t I just turn 30 not long ago?! lol

                  I like your phrase…it’s cute & gets the point across!

                  Awww…. *blush*

                  LOL! It took me time to get the heart too….want to join me in pretending that didn’t happen??

                  Liked by 1 person

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