“She Couldn’t Have Done Those Things! She’s Too Nice!”

When an abuse victim isn’t believed, often times the person who doesn’t believe the victim says it’s because the abuser is too nice or too good of a person.  No one so kind could do the terrible things the victim says they did!  The victim must have misunderstood, is exaggerating or flat out lying!

What the non believing people fail to realize is that this is typical of abusive people, narcissists in particular.  Abusers have two sides- the side they show the public & the side they show to those closest to them, their victims.  Behaving in such a manner guarantees the victim won’t be believed if she tells others about what the abuser does.  People will believe the charade of a good person because abusers are notoriously good actors.  Some are even able to convince mental health professionals they aren’t abusive, & that the victim is lying.

If someone you know tells you that someone else you know is abusing them but you don’t believe it, please keep this in mind.  Don’t brush someone off because the person they accuse of abuse is “too nice” to do such things.  If you don’t live with that person, you don’t know the real person!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

11 responses to ““She Couldn’t Have Done Those Things! She’s Too Nice!”

  1. Just recently someone talked about how kind my NM is. Yes, she may appear kind to some but to her targets she is anything but. And those people who think she’s so kind should hear what she says about THEM when they are out of earshot.


    • Ain’t that the truth! I’ve heard that kind of stuff about my mother too & thought the same exact things. If they only knew what she says behind their backs..

      Liked by 1 person

      • Incredibly, some do know. But for many reasons (conditioning, fear of retaliation, the fog of abuse, the mistaken belief that it is morally good and appropriate to enable and defend abusers, the belief that they can’t help it because they were abused or are mentally ill, etc.), they still refuse to do anything about it. They won’t even get angry with her. There are so few who both see the truth of, and take action to protect themselves from, narcissistic abuse. It’s maddeningly sad.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. ibikenyc

    “Your mother is SOOOOOO nice!”

    I used to get this even from my own friends.

    Yah; in front of an AUDIENCE.


    • Exactly!! Get the woman behind closed doors & the fangs come out..

      Liked by 2 people

      • ibikenyc

        But only with ME.

        You know that “axiom” about how nobody will ever do better / more for someone else than for themselves?

        I am only NOW, in my fifties, seeing that that was yet another “normal” behaviour that just didn’t exist in my world.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yep, I hear ya.. my mother comes across a bit eccentric but nice to everyone but me. Same with the late mother in-law for that matter..

          Ugh… it seems to me that healing from narcissistic abuse is a lifelong journey & you continue learning stuff. I’ve been studying NPD & narcissistic abuse for years & just when I think I have a good grip on it, I learn something else. I can’t imagine there would ever be any experts on the topic. So my point is I wouldn’t worry that you’re in your fifties & still learning things like that normal behavior that didn’t exist in your world. Pretty sure we’re all there…

          Liked by 2 people

          • ibikenyc

            Awww; thank you so much! 🙂

            I stumbled across a site the other day that you might find interesting / helpful.

            Something you said in your reply struck a loud chord within me, and I thought about the “Boundaries” section of this other blog. I feel very compelled to pass it along to you.

            I was trying to find a way to send you this link more privately because it’s got a four-letter word in it:


            The actual URL has the whole word in it. I really hope you and your other readers are not offended by this and sincerely apologize if anybody is.

            The posts themselves aren’t written in (especially) vulgar language, not that I recall.

            There’s one post there about being an only child (which I am) and another called “Losing Daddy & stealing Mama’s pretty dress” which reminded me of my own “throwing-up” (for they don’t RAISE us, do they?) almost to the point of what I see described as “triggering.”

            In case anyone reads them, please bear that in mind.

            Maybe they won’t speak to anyone else the way they did to me, but I found them (and some of the other posts) very cathartic.


            • You’re very welcome!

              Thanks for sharing the link! I’m definitely going to check it out!

              I obviously can’t speak for anyone else but profanity doesn’t offend me. My father worked on cars forever (cursing lots while working on my mother’s ’68 Dodge Dart) & the last 30 years of my life have been spent around mechanics or guys who work in the automotive field. Profanity is simply normal conversation with them. lol I’m used to it.

              Liked by 1 person

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