After No Contact

During the last few months of my father’s life I realized something about narcissists & flying monkeys.  They are an incredibly determined, persistent bunch, & that doesn’t end with no contact.

 

With most people, when someone ends a relationship, they stop calling, emailing, or trying to contact that person in any way.  They don’t try to bully or harass the person into speaking with them again, stalk them or send other people to “try to talk some sense” into them.  Instead, even though they may be hurting a great deal, they leave the person alone & move on with their life.

 

This isn’t so with narcissists & their flying monkeys.

 

One narcissist I severed ties with harassed me for several years.  (In fact, I’m not sure she’s done with me yet, because she’ll go for months with no contact, then suddenly she will do something out of the blue.)  I immediately blocked her on social media, blocked her email, blocked her phone number, & figured it was done.  Not even close!  She emailed me through my website, & when I saw that, I found out her IP address & blocked that.  She then used other people’s computers to contact me through my website!  She even contacted me that way when my father was dying to tell me I was a narcissist.  No low is too low for a true narcissist, & they do love to strike when you’re hurting already.

 

Other similar things happened when my father was dying.  My mother tried calling repeatedly, in spite of me blocking her phone number (my phone shows when a blocked number has tried to call).  She also sent me notes in the mail.  Some people I don’t even know beyond the simple fact we’re somehow distantly related wouldn’t leave me alone either.  As soon as they called or messaged me, I blocked them, & they would find a different way to contact me, so I would have to block that way too.  One person used her dead mother’s Facebook account to contact me.  I had to block a dead woman on Facebook as a result of that!

 

If you have gone or are considering going no contact with the narcissist in your life, this sort of thing may happen to you as well.  I’m not trying to dissuade you from going no contact- you have to do what you believe is right in your situation.  I am simply trying to forewarn you of what may happen so you can prepare yourself.

 

If you haven’t done so, block not only the narcissist’s means of contacting you but also her flying monkeys.  Block everything you can- phone number, email, social media.  The truly determined will find alternative ways to reach you, so be prepared for that.  Don’t take phone calls if you don’t recognize the number on your caller ID or ones that say “anonymous” or “blocked number.”  Anyone can block their number temporarily, so why take chances?

 

Also, blocking apps may not be 100% useful.  The one I found for my cell phone  showed in my notifications that I received a blocked call or text.  And, the entire text would show up!  Not really helpful since I didn’t want to see any texts at all!

 

You also may end up being contacted by strangers.  The narcissist’s neighbor, pastor or distant cousin may be a flying monkey.  Remember names, so when you see names on your caller ID, you know who that person is.  Or, if you only see the number, use a reverse phone number website to check out the number before you answer it.

 

Speaking of phones, I also don’t think voicemail is a good idea.  Hearing a narcissist’s voice can be very triggering, or they or the flying monkeys could leave you vile messages that you don’t need to hear.  Better not to give them the option & to protect your mental health by not using voicemail, I think.  This may not be everyone’s favorite solution since most folks use it, but I personally have found it very helpful.

 

Narcissists & their flying monkeys don’t like to take no for an answer, so don’t be surprised if they show up  at your home.  Keep your doors locked at all times & post a “no trespassing” sign.  Not that they respect your boundary with the sign, but it helps if you have to ask the police to remove them to have that sign.  The police won’t be so quick to remove someone from your property without that sign.

 

You may get postal mail.  You need to know the person sending it well enough to know if you should mark it “return to sender” & send it back or not.  Some may get discouraged quickly with their mail being returned, others will use it to gain pity & narcissistic supply so you’re better off not returning their mail.

 

And, if you do get mail, remember that you don’t have to read it.  That is your choice what you do with it.  You can read it, throw it away, or put it aside to read at a future date.  You are in complete control of how you handle that.

 

Don’t be surprised if the narcissist wants to offer you a gift, something you would like to have or that you need.  It’s only an attempt to lure you back into the relationship, so do NOT take it!!  There would be too many strings attached!  Instead, trust God to meet that need or desire.

 

Narcissists or flying monkeys may apologize to you in their attempts to contact you.  Before you accept that apology, study it.  Is it a real apology?  Is the person saying “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong” or offering excuses like “I was upset when I said that” or accepting full responsibility for their actions & discussing details?  If you’d like more details on what a real apology versus a fake apology looks like, I wrote about the narcissistic apology in this post.  Do NOT accept a fake apology or else the relationship will return to the abusive nightmare it was prior to going no contact.

 

If the narcissist &/or flying monkeys harass you, it can take a surprising toll on you.  It’s shocking how exhausting, depressing & anxiety inducing this sort of behavior can be.  Don’t judge yourself if you feel these things!  Just take good care of yourself.  Do what self care things help you as often as you can.  Pray.  Talk to supportive & safe people about what you feel.  Journal about it.  And always remember, whatever you do, do NOT let the narcissist or flying monkeys know you feel the way you do.  It provides them with narcissistic supply so they’ll continue doing it just to get that supply.  Let them think you barely noticed everything they have done.

 

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12 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

12 responses to “After No Contact

  1. My ex, the terrifying abuser, stalked me for 12 years. It was only after my life partner confronted him face to face, when he backed down. But that wasn’t the complete end of it. Through social media he contacted my daughter telling her he was dying and just wanted to be “friends” with me. Per my usual response, I ignored him. Friends? After he almost killed me on several occasions? Not hardly.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to admit that I’m a little surprised that my NM and her enablers still try to contact me. After all, in their eyes I’m a terrible person so why would they want anything to do with someone like me? It’s completely illogical.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is absolutely illogical. But since when are narcissists & flying monkeys logical? lol That actually reminds me of a conversation I was having with my best friend last night. I mentioned how I’d use logic to frazzle my parents & it was very effective. Just say my mother told some stupid embarrassing story about me as a child & (as always) I’d tell her that hurts, stop telling those kinds of stories. Every time, she’d tell me something is wrong with me- I shouldn’t be upset about that. I once would be upset & sulk quietly. But I started saying things like, “Really? So you tell a story that makes me look incredibly stupid, then tell me I’m crazy/stupid/etc for being upset about that fact. How does that make any sense at all? Do tell…” She’d get this baffled look on her face & change the subject. It got to the point it was actually fun.. lol

      Liked by 2 people

  3. The flying monkeys are worse than the narc. They are so sincere and truly believe you’re bad. It hurts terribly and traumatised you all over again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is traumatic. They are horrible to have to deal with!

      Liked by 3 people

    • When I went NC with my NM I learned that she wasn’t the only one in my FOO who didn’t love me. I discovered that when people who were very dear to me immediately believed that I was at fault without even asking me why I had taken such a drastic step. They sent nasty text messages, called my daughter to demand she make me talk to my mother, stalked me on FB and posted hateful, dishonest things about me and my children, and demanded the return of all the family photos in my possession because I was “no longer part of the family”. What my NM has done to me over the years is terrible, but what her enabling flying monkeys did made it hurt even more.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry for that. It is just so cruel!

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s horrible Suzanne. I understand how you feel though. You know some of what happened when my father was dying. Same type of thing. No one cared why I wasn’t speaking to my parents- they just tried to bully, guilt, shame me into doing so. Flying monkeys are truly wicked, wicked people.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I consider what was done to you to be worse. It involved more people and more incidents than I’ve endured. I’m sorry that you had to suffer so much abuse at a time when you were already burdened with the knowledge that your father was dying. You’re right. Enabling flying monkeys are wicked.

          Like

          • Thank you but I don’t know if it was any worse than what you’ve experienced- it’s all abuse, yanno? Yours shouldn’t be minimized! The timing with so much of mine was worse though, I’ll grant you that. My word.. sickening how they attacked at such a time. Just goes to prove how wicked flying monkeys truly are. Anyone who can attack another person like flying monkeys do has no heart, in my opinion. It’s one thing to stand up for what’s right. It’s totally different to attack, bully, shame, guilt trip, etc. others to try to make them conform to what you think of is right while ignoring the truth & not being open to any other information or perspectives.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. This post, and the comments, hit very close to home. My heart goes out to you and everyone commenting.

    Liked by 2 people

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