After No Contact

During the last few months of my father’s life I realized something about narcissists & flying monkeys.  They are an incredibly determined, persistent bunch, & that doesn’t end with no contact.

 

With most people, when someone ends a relationship, they stop calling, emailing, or trying to contact that person in any way.  They don’t try to bully or harass the person into speaking with them again, stalk them or send other people to “try to talk some sense” into them.  Instead, even though they may be hurting a great deal, they leave the person alone & move on with their life.

 

This isn’t so with narcissists & their flying monkeys.

 

One narcissist I severed ties with harassed me for several years.  (In fact, I’m not sure she’s done with me yet, because she’ll go for months with no contact, then suddenly she will do something out of the blue.)  I immediately blocked her on social media, blocked her email, blocked her phone number, & figured it was done.  Not even close!  She emailed me through my website, & when I saw that, I found out her IP address & blocked that.  She then used other people’s computers to contact me through my website!  She even contacted me that way when my father was dying to tell me I was a narcissist.  No low is too low for a true narcissist, & they do love to strike when you’re hurting already.

 

Other similar things happened when my father was dying.  My mother tried calling repeatedly, in spite of me blocking her phone number (my phone shows when a blocked number has tried to call).  She also sent me notes in the mail.  Some people I don’t even know beyond the simple fact we’re somehow distantly related wouldn’t leave me alone either.  As soon as they called or messaged me, I blocked them, & they would find a different way to contact me, so I would have to block that way too.  One person used her dead mother’s Facebook account to contact me.  I had to block a dead woman on Facebook as a result of that!

 

If you have gone or are considering going no contact with the narcissist in your life, this sort of thing may happen to you as well.  I’m not trying to dissuade you from going no contact- you have to do what you believe is right in your situation.  I am simply trying to forewarn you of what may happen so you can prepare yourself.

 

If you haven’t done so, block not only the narcissist’s means of contacting you but also her flying monkeys.  Block everything you can- phone number, email, social media.  The truly determined will find alternative ways to reach you, so be prepared for that.  Don’t take phone calls if you don’t recognize the number on your caller ID or ones that say “anonymous” or “blocked number.”  Anyone can block their number temporarily, so why take chances?

 

Also, blocking apps may not be 100% useful.  The one I found for my cell phone  showed in my notifications that I received a blocked call or text.  And, the entire text would show up!  Not really helpful since I didn’t want to see any texts at all!

 

You also may end up being contacted by strangers.  The narcissist’s neighbor, pastor or distant cousin may be a flying monkey.  Remember names, so when you see names on your caller ID, you know who that person is.  Or, if you only see the number, use a reverse phone number website to check out the number before you answer it.

 

Speaking of phones, I also don’t think voicemail is a good idea.  Hearing a narcissist’s voice can be very triggering, or they or the flying monkeys could leave you vile messages that you don’t need to hear.  Better not to give them the option & to protect your mental health by not using voicemail, I think.  This may not be everyone’s favorite solution since most folks use it, but I personally have found it very helpful.

 

Narcissists & their flying monkeys don’t like to take no for an answer, so don’t be surprised if they show up  at your home.  Keep your doors locked at all times & post a “no trespassing” sign.  Not that they respect your boundary with the sign, but it helps if you have to ask the police to remove them to have that sign.  The police won’t be so quick to remove someone from your property without that sign.

 

You may get postal mail.  You need to know the person sending it well enough to know if you should mark it “return to sender” & send it back or not.  Some may get discouraged quickly with their mail being returned, others will use it to gain pity & narcissistic supply so you’re better off not returning their mail.

 

And, if you do get mail, remember that you don’t have to read it.  That is your choice what you do with it.  You can read it, throw it away, or put it aside to read at a future date.  You are in complete control of how you handle that.

 

Don’t be surprised if the narcissist wants to offer you a gift, something you would like to have or that you need.  It’s only an attempt to lure you back into the relationship, so do NOT take it!!  There would be too many strings attached!  Instead, trust God to meet that need or desire.

 

Narcissists or flying monkeys may apologize to you in their attempts to contact you.  Before you accept that apology, study it.  Is it a real apology?  Is the person saying “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong” or offering excuses like “I was upset when I said that” or accepting full responsibility for their actions & discussing details?  If you’d like more details on what a real apology versus a fake apology looks like, I wrote about the narcissistic apology in this post.  Do NOT accept a fake apology or else the relationship will return to the abusive nightmare it was prior to going no contact.

 

If the narcissist &/or flying monkeys harass you, it can take a surprising toll on you.  It’s shocking how exhausting, depressing & anxiety inducing this sort of behavior can be.  Don’t judge yourself if you feel these things!  Just take good care of yourself.  Do what self care things help you as often as you can.  Pray.  Talk to supportive & safe people about what you feel.  Journal about it.  And always remember, whatever you do, do NOT let the narcissist or flying monkeys know you feel the way you do.  It provides them with narcissistic supply so they’ll continue doing it just to get that supply.  Let them think you barely noticed everything they have done.