People say, “Just let it go!” all the time to those who have been through bad experiences or abuse, but what do they really mean? I think many people who say that don’t say it to try to help you. Instead, I think they really mean, “Stop talking about it. It makes me uncomfortable!”
Unfortunately, this statement can make a person feel ashamed of themselves for being unable to “just let it go.” They feel like something is wrong with them, or maybe they’re a bad Christian when the truth is, they’re simply human.
The fact is, most people just can’t “let go” of pain. It’s not that we want to hold onto it at all- we have no choice in the matter. It’s kind of like a splinter. You can’t wish it away or let it go- you actually need to deal with it to get rid of it.
If you really want to let something go, once & for all, it takes work. You need to feel the anger, feel the hurt & get it out of you. It can be intimidating at first, especially if you weren’t allowed to show your emotions as a child, but it does get easier in time.
When it happens with me, I make time to write in my journal. Writing is often easier than saying things out loud for me, so although often prayer is my first place to start, journaling is in this particular situation. I let it all out- name calling, bad language & all. Sometimes I’ll write as though I’m speaking to the person, sometimes I just vent about them & what they did. I just follow whatever feels right, & let it all out. I pray after, & ask God to help me. For many things, this helps to purge me of the anger & hurt completely. For other things, I have to repeat it a few times. I’ve learned not to judge it- abuse does bad things, & everyone heals differently.
Maybe what I do will help you as well. It’s worth a try anyway, right? If you’re sure it won’t, then do whatever does work for you. Or, ask God to show you what you need to do. Healing is a very individual thing, & there’s nothing wrong with you if something other than what I do helps.
Remember, Dear Reader, if you can’t “just let it go”, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s OK! It’s perfectly normal to have to feel things to heal.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
Sometimes, nothing works and we can only do our best to go on.
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So true. I know why I have agoraphobia. I’ve dealt with it. Yet, it is worse now than when it started in 1996. Go figure.
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Wherever I go, I’m on the look out. Seeking the best way out, if someone doesn’t “look” right. The way our world is does not help those of us with disorders.
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Unfortunately it’s very true!
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Even if you have no disorder it’s a good thing to practice situational awareness. Be alert to everyone in your immediate area and don’t hesitate to leave if you sense it could be dangerous for you to stay. Never enter a place without knowing where the exits are. Scan for anything or anyone that doesn’t look quite right and be alert to unusual or unexpected sights and sounds. A long time ago a friend taught me never to pass a window or outer door in my home without checking to see that it’s locked and I never forget to do that. Don’t go into a deserted parking lot alone, especially at night. Never leave your car unlocked, even in your driveway. And check your car before you enter to be sure that no one is hiding in the back seat. These are just a few of the things I practice to stay safe.
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Common sense safety advise, and though I live in a gated community, I still lock my doors, and peer out my windows. Also, I park as close to a store as possible rather than park on the perimeter.
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When I went NC with our mother my brother told me that I had to “forget” about our childhood hurts. If only it was that simple. This completely ignored the fact that the abuse had never stopped, and that it was why I finally went NC after a lifetime of pain. He has been abused as well, and for just as long. There were times when I cringed at the way our MNF, in particular, treated him. But apparently he is willing to endure abuse in the present and forget the abuse of the past, so I must as well.
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“forget about your childhood hurts”?! Oh yes.. it’s that easy! @@ One of my aunts said the exact same words to me once during an email conversation. Knowing how our family is, I simply told her I didn’t ask for her opinion & changed the subject.. she got mad at me for months after that, even though that was all I said to her. But in her case, I could sorta understand that “childhood hurts” nonsense- she wasn’t abused by her parents. She didn’t have any understanding on surviving child abuse. Your brother though, that’s incredible. He saw you being abused & was abused himself. How he could “forget” & expect you to do it too is mind blowing.
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For reasons known only to him he is unwilling to face the truth about his own struggles and put the blame where it belongs. He has had a fairly miserable life. His health is awful (he barely survived a massive heart attack in his 50s) and he has never lived up to his considerable potential. He’s been depressed for years. I suspect that part of the reason he’s been so cruelly disapproving of my choice to go NC is that admitting I have a valid reason for it involves admitting that he, too, is in need of distance and healing. And that is something he’s just unwilling to do.
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I’m afraid you’re right about that, Suzanne. So many people don’t have the inner strength to face the truth when it’s really ugly. They’d rather shut up those of us who do. Not trying to judge or criticize your brother or folks like him- it’s just a simple fact. Remember my father’s notes about my mother abusing me I found? I realized he had very little inner strength once I read them. Thinking & praying about it later, it hit me many people are the same way. 😦 It’s very sad for them.
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Often its just another of the very many invalidations we suffer and then it does make us feel there is something wrong with us and that really hurts. x
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So true!
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Great post! I’m glad I took the time to read the comments because they brought up an important truth. When I told people that were telling me to “just get over it” to stop saying that to me. And I told my good christian friends that their words were hurtful, they got very mad at me. Even though they had been abused, they had not had a stillborn child as well. They didn’t mind talking about their abuse, but they were unable to grief with me over the loss of my son and understand my abuse. They got so angry with me that I didn’t just move on that our relationship ended. People always get angry with Truth Tellers. The truth often hurts more than lies. But we can’t stuff our emotions in the basement. Emotions have a purpose. They are the reaction to stimulus in the outside world. When we understand our emotions, we can break the cycle of abuse. So many are like me that have abusive friends and abusive boyfriends in their lives because we don’t listen to their feelings and respond to abuse correctly. Thanks for the reminder today.
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Thank you!
And a big YES!! to everything you said. Truth tellers definitely are on the receiving end of a great deal of anger from those who prefer denial. And yes, emotions absolutely have a purpose. They need to be honored & understood. Stuffing them never leads to anything good!
People sometimes just can’t tolerate anything outside of their comfort zone, & apparently the loss of your son was outside of theirs. It’s horrible they not only didn’t comfort you but abandoned you as well! I’m so very sorry for your loss not only of your son but of those you thought would be there for you! ❤
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