Coping When Narcissists Hit A New Low

I got quite the surprise this past Christmas.  A letter from my parents’ attorney arrived in the mail two days before Christmas.

 

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Pretty special, huh?  Notice it was sent both regular & certified mail.

 

I’m sharing this not only for entertainment value (really- how bizarre is this?!) but also to remind you that there is no low that is too low for any narcissist & to help you to cope when things like this happen to you.

 

To cope, you need to think logically not emotionally.  You certainly will need to deal with the anger or hurt or whatever you feel, of course, but when trying to find the best way to deal with a bad situation, it’s best to leave emotions out of it as they can cloud your judgement.  Look at the problem from all angles & ask God for help figuring out ways to cope.  One way that might help is if you think of the problem as if a friend came to you with it- what would you tell that friend?

 

Also trying to understand the motivation behind the actions, because that can help you.  I firmly believe everything narcissists do boils down to gaining narcissistic supply.  Once I realized that, it helped me not to be as hurt or angered (because what they did wasn’t personal- it was to benefit them), or to be manipulated.

 

To show what I’m talking about, I thought I’d share my thoughts about this letter:

 

Notice the timing.. as I said, this arrived two days before Christmas, the last possible day to get anything in the mail before Christmas day.  Growing up, I loved Christmas.  My mother thinks I still do, & never believed that I have grown to hate it.  It’s safe to assume the timing was an attempt to ruin my holiday.  If she thinks she ruined my holiday, that’s narcissistic supply.

 

Check out the wording in the letter.  The lawyer could have mentioned asking me about the car on my mother’s behalf without the attempt to manipulate me & the comments such as “accept this as a heartfelt expression of her love.”  Totally unnecessary.  That was flying monkey behavior which means it has no basis in truth & reality.  Why should I take anything he said seriously under such circumstances?!

 

Also.. as I said, it came from an attorney.  Seems obvious to me that was meant to shake  me up a bit.  Who wouldn’t be upset seeing a letter from an attorney in their mailbox & then a notice it was also sent certified mail prior to learning the contents of the letter?!  More potential narcissistic supply for my mother- upsetting me.

 

I also think it’s safe to assume that being from her attorney was an attempt by my mother to force me to deal with her.  Manipulation attempt/more narcissistic supply.

 

When I first got this letter, it did shake me up, I’ll admit it.  I was livid my mother would go to this extent to try to get me in touch with her when it’s very clear I want no parts of her in my life.  But, after some time to pray, calm down & think clearer, I realized the things I mentioned.  This letter wasn’t a huge deal like it felt like at first.  It simply was my mother’s means of attempting to manipulate me & gain her precious supply.  Realizing all of this meant I was able to relax & decide the best way to handle the situation properly.

 

Dear Reader, I’m sure if you haven’t faced some especially low behavior from the narcissist in your life, you will.  It’s how they operate.  When that happens, please consider this post.  Deal with your emotions but not while trying to consider how to handle the situation.  Pray & use logic.  It will help you to understand what’s happening, which will enable you to come up with the best solution.

 

Oh, & if you’re interested.. I did write back to the attorney about a week later.  All I said was “Regarding your recent letter about my mother, I don’t want my father’s car.”  I decided that I should respond rather than take a chance of my mother finding other ways to harass me about this situation, since I’ve had enough harassment to last a lifetime.  I did so in my own timing, however, to let her know she can’t make me do anything her way.  I also decided it’d be best to acknowledge NONE of the flying monkey nonsense or say anything that could be read into, which is why my entire “letter” lasted ONE sentence.  🙂

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19 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

19 responses to “Coping When Narcissists Hit A New Low

  1. KJ

    Oh my. Sounds like something my mother would do. I’m sorry for what you endure!

    Like

  2. Amy Leeanne

    Again, still speechless. 😳
    You handled it beautifully.

    To the “untrained” eye, all of the attempts at narcissistic supply would go undetected.

    Context is key.

    The timing, wording, third party- a lawyer no less, all scream narcissistic behavior. A woman desperate for supply.

    You should teach a class using this letter. Remember in school how we learned to diagram sentences?? You could do something similar using new words. Compound manipulation. Dangling narcissistic supply. Triangulation phrase. Etc. Lol Would be a hoot! And helpful. 😊😅

    Thank you again for sharing your story. And especially how you dealt with it. It is very helpful to all of us. 🙏

    God Bless,
    Amy 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was so astounded by this letter, I had to read it twice. It seemed even more bizarre the second time I read it. You have my deepest empathy.

    My malignant narcissistic mother has sunk to some stinking lows, like when she sent me the 62 page hate letter in 2011, detailing everything that was ever wrong with me in my entire life. But in some ways, this letter from your mother’s attorney is even worse.

    You handled it beautifully! I am amazed by your response, actually. I have had a lot of healing from my wounds, but even so, I don’t think I could have kept my cool the way you did!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Didn’t get any better the second time for you either, huh? lol Thank you for your kindness. It still blows me away.. this is what she’s sinking to.. wow.

      62 pages is impressive, even by malignant narcissist standards. That is a LOT of toxicity! What did you do about it?

      Thank you so much.. I feel like I’ve practically bitten my tongue off since I’ve had to bite it so much the past year really. lol God enabled me to keep my cool though, because I had a lot of not so nice things I wanted to say to this so called lawyer & his client both.

      By the way… it’s been a long time since I diagrammed sentences. I don’t remember much of the terminology. Would you mind sharing some with me since you seem to remember them? I decided I’m definitely going to make this letter into an exercise in diagramming sentences, narcissist style. LOL If you prefer you can email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com rather than comment here- it’s up to you. Thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sorry, I don’t remember much about how to diagram sentences, either. But I’m guessing that Amy Leeanne, who originally left the comment above about compound triangulation, dangling narcissistic supply, etc, can help you with that.

        You probably got the two of us confused, didn’t you? It’s easy to do, in blogland. For example, I could not remember if I had already told you about my momster’s 62 page hate letter. I was thinking that I probably had. But since you’ve asked me how I handled it, I’m assuming now that I never did tell you. That must have been another blogger I told.

        I started to answer your question about how I handled the letter, but I am just too tired to write a sensible reply. I’ve been up since 3 a.m. and it’s been a long day. The bottom line is that I did not handle my mother’s letter well at all. I did not reply to it, for about two and a half years. Instead, I became very depressed, and went on antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication, which only made me feel so much worse in the long run. I am off of all meds now, except for my thyroid medication, and I’m doing a lot better. I am one of those people who don’t do well on psychotropic meds. (I had to do an ultra slow taper off the meds though, my system could not handle it any other way.)

        I think I will write a blog post about my mother’s hateful letter attacks, and put a link in my post to this post, since your crazy lawyer letter is my inspiration. But I won’t try to write that post now, I am going to bed. Good night and God bless. You are an awesome survivor and a great inspiration!

        Like

        • You know what? You’re absolutely right.. I did confuse the two of you. UGH! My brain doesn’t work all that well sometimes & this was one of those times. Sorry!! It also doesn’t help when hubby is home & talking to me as I’m reading through comments. Goodness.. that’s embarrassing.

          You may have mentioned that letter, but I honestly can’t say.. .I talk to so many people about their narcissistic parents that it’s hard to keep everyone straight!
          .
          No wonder you’re so tired! I hope you can get some rest! You don’t have to explain about your mother’s letter! It’s ok! I was just curious. We can talk another time. Not a problem. Take care of yourself first! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  4. The narcissistic, dangerous abuser to whom I was married, sent me 120 letters in 3 months time. Some hate, some love, and some contained both sentiments in the one letter. “Let’s be friends. I love you, hate your. I want to kill you.” I never responded, thinking it would only please him to receive a response. The idiot became my stalker for 12 years. So, whether or not we respond doesn’t truly matter. The sickos do what they want.

    Liked by 1 person

    • 12 years of stalking after 120 letters over 90 days.. wow. Just sickening!

      True, they do whatever they want.. we should still act however we feel in our hearts is right though. Whether or not they react accordingly is up to them, but at least we can have a clear conscience knowing we did the right thing, & that is important.

      Liked by 1 person

        • I learned when my father was dying the value of doing our part & having a clear conscience. My family thinks I’m dirt for not rushing to his side before he died, but I knew it was the right thing although not why it was right at the time. The day he died, I learned a lot & me not seeing him truly was for the best. It really lit a fire in me for focusing more on doing what I know is right no matter what else happens.

          Liked by 1 person

          • We must do what is right for ourselves. I went to my father’s funeral, and cried like a baby, but I realized it was because I understood he would never tell me he loved me, that he was sorry.

            Liked by 1 person

            • We really must. My best friend fought with her family when her dad was dying- they pressured her to visit him for a long time prior to his death. She eventually went & he died a couple of days later. They had a pleasant conversation the last time they spoke & he even apologized for his abusive ways. Things worked out beautifully for her & I’m so glad! For her, if she had gone when her family wanted or not gone at all, it would’ve been a big mistake. She handled it perfectly!

              Aww.. I’m so very sorry. There’s nothing like someone dying to drive that point home, to make things so final. It’s incredibly painful. (((hugs)))

              Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Feeling Guilt Regarding Your Narcissistic Parent? | CynthiaBaileyRug

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