Tomorrow it will be three months to the day since my father passed away. I still am trying to recover from the inundation of abuse I received when he was dying. The abuse was so constant & intense, & it put me in a state of shock that is still there. It lifts a bit from time to time, allowing me to face some of the emotions that were too difficult to deal with at the time (hence the shock), then it returns.
During those times that the shock lifts, the thing I feel most frequently is anger. At the moment, I feel that anger. One thing I find very therapeutic during times like this is writing journal entries where I let it all out. It’s helpful to get it out of me, even though no one else has any idea what I am feeling or thinking beyond God & I.
I was going to write this in my journal for no one to see, as usual, but I felt like God wanted me to share it here instead. This Scripture kept coming to my attention: Ephesians 5:11 “Take no part in the worthless pleasures of evil and darkness, but instead, rebuke and expose them.” (TLB) I’m sure my readers will get where I’m coming from & maybe my vent will help them too somehow. Besides, I have NO doubt some of those monstrous flying monkeys are nosy enough to read my blog.
To my mother & her devoted flying monkeys,
First of all.. to my mother. Did it ever cross your mind why I never respond to your letters or calls or those from your evil minions? It’s because I don’t want you in my life. I absolutely will not tolerate any more of your abuse. I deserve better than that. I’m sorry things are as they are, but your actions have made this situation what it is. Besides, let’s not forget- after our last conversation, you didn’t even try to contact me until months later, when my father was sick. I figured you were as done with me as I was with you. None of this means I hate you. It means I care about me enough to protect myself by staying out of your life.
To the rest of you who have harassed, bullied, judge, criticized & tried to control me, especially during my father’s final few weeks of life…
You truly should be ashamed of your terrible, ridiculous, wicked actions! You judge me for not speaking to my parents or saying good bye to my father on his death bed, but has it ever crossed anyone’s mind WHY I stayed away? No. You obviously don’t want to be “bothered” with the truth. All that mattered is what *you* thought I should do. How utterly arrogant!
What made you think you had the right to demand I do as you told me to anyway? Have you made so many good life choices that I couldn’t help but see how wise you are & would be inspired to obey you? No. Did you know my entire situation & could say with complete objectivity what a good solution would have been? No. Did any of you even care about me enough to ask what was wrong? Again no, with only one exception & I have no doubt that person would have only told me how wrong I was if I opened up to her. Again.
Then there were the guilt trips: “You only get one set of parents.” “A little forgiveness would do you some good.” “You need to put your feelings aside & see your dad so he can die in peace.” “You need to come NOW so they can turn off your dad’s life support.” “You would understand if you had kids.” What utter drivel! Thanks to growing up in the environment I did, I’m like a guilt trip Navy seal. They do NOTHING to me other than insult my intelligence because you think I’m stupid enough to fall for such complete & utter nonsense.
And really… has the constant barrage of your crap really been necessary?! One would think you would have the sense to realize that when someone not only doesn’t respond to your calls, emails, etc. but *blocks* your Facebook, phone numbers, emails, etc. that means that person doesn’t want to talk to you & you should stop your harassment. Blocking you is NOT an invitation to use alternative means to try to reach me, which I blocked too! The constant harassment has been beyond ridiculous. Letting my phone ring for five minutes straight also doesn’t make me want to answer it, especially when I haven’t even seen you since before I started school! It does show me you’re a control freak who thinks they have the right to boss me around by trying to force me to take your call. Just because you’re some distant relative doesn’t mean you have the right to tell me what to do! Same with the written contacts. Filling my inbox with messages just makes me want to ignore you, because you’re being controlling. Using a dead woman’s Facebook to contact me was unique though. I’ll give you points for creativity on that. I never expected to have to block a dead woman on Facebook.
Oh, & to that one person that has harassed me since 2013- I know that email through my website was from you. Wasn’t hard to figure out it was you or the fact you copied & pasted information from the Mayo Clinic’s website about NPD. That isn’t the first time you’ve pulled this. You might want to stop using the first or second site that pops up on Google- that gives you away every time. Doing it at the time you chose to do it this time was truly low even for you.
Trying to bully my cousin I’m close to into bullying me was utter nonsense too. Unlike you, he isn’t a control freak who thinks he can boss me around, which, fun fact here, is partly why he & I are so close. How about taking a page from his book & realizing that being a manipulative bully isn’t a good thing.
And, just so all of you know….
I want absolutely nothing to do with any one of you!
You don’t have the ability to control or hurt me, in spite of all your efforts to do so.
Being related to me somehow doesn’t give you the right to treat me like crap & boss me around.
You taught me some things through it all, including how never to treat people, & the value of questioning things rather than blindly believing whatever we’re told.
Even though I want nothing to do with you, I don’t hate you. I pity you.
I pray for all of you daily. I pray you come to know God & His love & are blessed. Since so many of you are so incredibly quick to judge me, I’m sure you think I’m a hypocrite, a terrible/fake/not a real Christian, etc. for saying that last statement after writing this post. I can assure you, I am true to my faith. There is nothing “un Christian” in writing this post.