Most of the victims of narcissistic abuse I have spoken with are devoted animal lovers. I’m one too. My pets, past & present, mean the world to me. I also love other animals that aren’t my pets.
It won’t be a surprise if you know anything about narcissists, but they aren’t the same way. Even ones that claim to love animals really don’t love them because narcissists don’t know how to genuinely love.
Animals are nothing but potential supply to narcissists. I realized that with my parents. When they would visit my home & if any of my pets paid them attention, they were happy. If one didn’t want their attention, that one was criticized harshly. Not only when the incident happened, but after the incident indefinitely. I adopted Magic, my first cat, just before Halloween, 1990. I took him to my parents’ house shortly after to introduce them to him. My mother decided to pick Magic up, even after I said he only likes me to hold him. Magic scratched her so she would put him down, which she did quickly. Until my mother & I stopped speaking in 2016, she mentioned Magic negatively from time to time even though he died in 2007.
If you have a narcissist in your life & pets, as that pet parent, it’s your job to protect your pet from the narcissist.
If the narcissist in your life is physically abusive to you, chances are good your pet will be abused too. If you can escape, do it! If you can’t just yet, try finding a home for your pet until you can escape. If your pet has been hurt, document everything! Take pictures, have a copy of his or her veterinary record. Documentation of bad behavior is always a good thing. Even if it isn’t illegal (like if your state doesn’t have strict animal abuse laws), document anyway. If your narcissist breaks the law, it can help your case to have proof of bad behavior, even when it’s not illegal.
If the narcissist is verbally & emotionally abusive, remember- animals understand what people say. I have no doubt of this at all. I’ve seen too much evidence proving they do. When my parents would upset me, there were always at least two of my cats there to distract them. Chester & Valentine in particular are very sweet cats, but very protective of me. When my parents came to my home, they would sit by them. Each time they said something upsetting to me, the cats would scratch or bite my parents’ hands. Every. Single. Time.
Also, my parents would say cruel & hurtful things to my pets. It hurt their feelings! Poor Chester was called fat more times than I can count. He’s a muscular cat & very solid, but at first glance he does look kinda chubby. I told my parents no more nasty comments to the pets or they aren’t allowed in my home. My mother wouldn’t visit my home for I think it was almost 2 years after that.
Whatever the narcissist in your life does with your pet, protect him or her! It’s your job as the parent! Proverbs 12:10 says, ” A righteous man has kind regard for the life of his animal, But even the compassion of the wicked is cruel.” (AMP) It can be hard to stand up to a narcissist, I know, but you must protect your pet. As always, when you talk to the narcissist about it, do so calmly & in a simple, matter of fact way. Any emotions you should could be narcissistic supply & something the narcissist would use to hurt you again later. As an example, telling my parents not to insult my pets, I calmly said “I won’t tolerate anyone coming into their home & talking badly to them. If you do it again, you won’t be allowed back here.” My father never said a word back to me on the topic & didn’t insult them again. My mother defended herself vehemently, stayed away for a long time after that conversation & behaved much better when she finally did return to my home.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
I agree with you 100%. But the need to protect ourselves, our children and grandchildren, and even our pets from these people never ends. It’s exhausting and infuriating.
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It absolutely is.
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My husband and I share our home with two precious rescue dogs. Now that our children are grown, our pets are our babies.
I remember that my mother used to make fun of people who love their animals and “treat them better than people!” I also remember my maternal grandmother laughing about how my mother, when she was a teenager, beat their horse (they lived on a farm), hitting the poor creature over and over again, while screamling “I hate you! I just hate you!” Yes, Grammy thought that was hilarious. Sick, both of them.
I’m so glad that I don’t have to worry about protecting my pets from my momster. The last time that she was in my home was almost 48 years ago. It was on my 17th birthday. I was married then, for less than 3 months. My mother came over to our apartment that day, got in my face, and said some unbelievably abusive things.
Prior to this day, I was always very subservient and respectful to my mother. Even during her worst abuses. But on this day, I was so done. And I pointed at the door and told her to Get. Out. Of. My. House!
Her jaw nearly hit the floor, she was so shocked. She certainly wasn’t used to me standing up for myself. She got in her final insult, which was a doozy. Then she left. And she has never been inside my home again, yay!!
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That is absolutely disgusting, both your mother & grandmother! It was funny your mother beat that poor horse?! Not seeing the humor in that at all! Horses are lovely & gentle animals! I can’t imagine him deserving any such treatment!
Good for you!!!! To be a fly on the wall, watching you tell your mother to get out of your house. HAHAHA! That must have been so empowering for you! I am so proud of you! To do that let alone at such a young age is impressive!
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Trigger Warning
I woke up feeling happy and excited on my 17th birthday. I had given my husband of a little over 3 months, a very nice 19th birthday less than 2 months before. I had baked him a cake, decorated it with candles, and had given him some fishing equipment that I knew he wanted. So I figured that he would want to do something special for me, on my day.
My birthday was a Saturday, his day off from work. I knew he had gotten paid the night before. Thinking that he might not know what kind of things I liked, since we had only dated a couple of months before we got married, I made a suggestion I thought he would enjoy as much as I would. “Let’s do what we did when we were dating,” I said. “Let’s drive to Springfield and see a movie and get a hamburger and a milkshake after. Can we do that?”
Apparently he did not have the vocabulary to say “I’m so sorry, but now that we are married and I have to buy groceries and pay rent, I don’t have any money left over for extras like birthday gifts, movie tickets, or eating out at a fast food hamburger joint.”
My happy, hopeful question was scarcely out of my mouth, when he hit me. Twice. The first punch knocked me into a wall mirror, causing it to shatter. The second punch knocked me to the floor on top of the broken glass. Then he kicked me, with his heavy work boots, in my belly, my back, my legs, while shouting that putting food in my mouth and a roof over my head was more than I was worth.
And then, he ran out of the apartment and drove to my mother’s house where they got drunk together, and bonded over how hard Linda is to live with. Because, you know, I had confided in him about how abusive my mother was toward me, so he knew she would be on my side.
I spent my birthday huddled in a ball under the blankets. Hours later, my husband returned home, drunk. He throws my mother’s big leather Bible on top of me and tells me she told him to give it to me so I can read it and learn how a Christian wife is supposed to be.
Moments later, Momster drives up and walks into our one room apartment without knocking. She crunches her way across the broken mirror glass, stands in front of me where I am still on the bed, wags her finger in my face and tells me I am going to loose my wonderful husband if I don’t act like a wife should, instead of like a spoiled brat.
“But Mom, he hits me,” I cry.
“I know he does and I told him that I don’t blame him one bit! The Bible says that the man is the head of the marriage, so you need to submit to him as unto the Lord! The bible also says that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. So if you are going to act like a spoiled child, your husband has the God-given right to spank you like a child!”
That was when I pointed at the door and said “Get. Out. Of. My. House.” My mother’s jaw nearly hit the floor. She wasn’t used to me “talking back!”
But she had to get her final licks in. She crunched across the broken glass and put her arms around my husband, who was sitting in his favorite chair. She threw her arms around him, said “I am so sorry, Honey. I should have warned you what she is like before you married her.”
My husband hugged her back. “I love you!” he cried. “I love you too!” she wailed. Then my 35 year old mother sat down on my husband’s lap, and they rocked back and forth together, crying in each other’s arms. While I sat frozen on the bed.
Finally she left. And she has never been in my home again.
Soon my husband was telling me, with stars in his eyes, that he had always had a thing for older women
Yeah, he got my momster in the eventual divorce.
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Oops, it was supposed to say that my first husband knew my abusive parents mother would be on his side, not my side.
Until the horrors about the poor Turpin children came out in the news, I always thought that most people would not believe the severity of my parents’ — plural — abuses. But now, sadly, I know I am not the only one, and other kids have had it far worse than I did.
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I am at a loss for words… that is utterly horrific! How dare they both behave that way! Totally uncalled for & evil! Thank God you got away from them both- they deserved each other.
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Ever since I posted this comment, I have been feeling guilty for sharing such a miserable story. Because life is hard enough without reading such bad stuff. Just reading or watching the news every day is so depressing. I am really sorry. If I could have deleted my comment, I would have!
The great thing is that I am in a much better place today, 48 years later! And I don’t have to live with all that on my conscience. I mean, how do they stand themselves? Must be miserable to be them.
My mother had a very bad head injury as a young, and she has said that she never felt the same after. I think the part of her brain that allows us to genuinely love, to feel empathy, and have a sense of right and wrong, was damaged. As for my first husband, I know that his father beat him severely as he was growing up, hit him with boards, with the flat side of a saw blade, with his fists. So he learned to react in violence when anything upset him. Then he drank to numb his feelings.
Anyway. It was a long time ago and I am so grateful that I am not living there anymore!!
Again, my apologies for being such a downer. Writing my memoir is bringing up all this old stuff. I’m not sure if that is good!
I hope your day is blessed.
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Please don’t apologize or feel bad for sharing your story. Everyone needs to talk these things out. And, it helps others who have been through similar experiences to read things like this to let them know they’re not alone.
It truly must be miserable to be them.. they have no peace, no joy or real love. Very sad & miserable way to live!
No doubt your mother’s head injury explains a great deal about her narcissistic behavior. My father also had a TBI & one of my cousins said her father (my father’s younger brother) said he got very manipulative & vicious after.
Very sad about your ex husband. It’s such a shame he didn’t cope with his feelings instead of drinking them away & hitting you. Hopefully he found a healthy way to cope after your divorce.
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(Of course I don’t mean I actually like that you feel this way; please consider it an acknowledgement.)
Just so you know, I go through this same thing all the time, the guilt about sharing my stories. I also STILL worry about HIS feelings (!) (what is WRONG with me?!).
However: For whatever this may be worth, when I read your story, I felt first great compassion for you and then great disgust for THEM.
“Hearing” your story helped me to see that my fears about telling my own is really okay. I didn’t / don’t feel burdened at all by what you said but rather somehow more heard and understood myself.
I think maybe a lot of our fears about this kind of thing stem from the responses / reactions we have gotten all our lives from those around us. It never even occurs to us that a normal, healthy person would NEVER feel or think negatively about US for telling our truth.
I wish I could hug you, hard, right now.
(I also hope my reply makes sense; I’m having trouble finding words to express what I’m feeling.)
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Oh, yes, your reply made total sense!! I have grateful tears in my eyes now, because I really needed to “hear” you said in reply to my comments, and what Cynthia said, too.
I have been trying to write a memoir since forever, and I am determined to finish the first draft within the next couple of months — before I turn 65 in May. Because, if I don’t finish this now, when will I ever, you know?
But I often feel about my memoir, the way I felt about my comment. Like it’s wrong for me to sven write about this stuff. And yet I feel like I NEED to write it, for so many reasons.
I am going to print out what you said here, and also what Cynthia said, and post it on the wall where I will see it when I’m writing my memoir. THAT’S how much sense you made!
Thank you for the validation and the encouragement, and thank you for the big hug. God bless you!!!!!!
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I feel terrible about not answering you for so long.
WordPress just doesn’t work right on my computer (an ageing laptop about which I hold my breath every time I turn it on), and I didn’t see your reply to me until just now.
I am “humbled” (is the word I’m getting) that my words were so helpful to you.
My goodnes. Thank you so much.
Yes, you MUST write that memoir!
I keep a journal myself and have done since I was about ten years old.
These days, I have it in Google Docs.
If you’re not already in the habit of writing, you will be astonished at how much good it does you. You’ll find yourself going down many long-forgotten paths and exorcising all sorts of demons.
I think of it almost like talking to / with myself, as I would with a good friend. Maybe you would think of it as talking with God, or a good therapist, or someone else.
Remember, it has to be good enough “only” for YOU!
You go, girl! ❤
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Dear Cynthia there is something that has always troubled me. When I first got my dog when he used to pee in the house I became very angry and punished him by putting his nose in it and sometimes shaking him. I now know that was the wrong way to go about it because often when he did this it was due to some kind of stress. I was very controlled as a child and I wondered if this is a sign I am a covert or inverted narcissist? It really has troubled me for some time. Woud appreciate your feedback. My family often accused me of spoiling my dog because I give him meals of chicken rice and vegetables instead of pre prepared food for dogs. Deborah
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I really think it’s a safe bet that you aren’t a narcissist of any type. If you truly were, you wouldn’t be wondering if you were. Narcissists lack that ability to be self introspective.
Unfortunately, I have done the same with animals that peed in the house. It was just what people did, I believe, & we didn’t know any better. Thank God we know now better ways to approach that problem.
I also think it’s cool you cook your dog’s food rather than give him dog food! You have to be so careful about selecting pet food since so much isn’t good for them. Prepared food is much healthier & at least you know what is in what you feed him. You’re a great dog mom!
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Thanks so much for that kind feedback.
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You’re welcome.. I hope it helped! ❤
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Thanks Cynthia, it really did ❤
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I agree 100% with what Cynthia said. I, too, have done things like that with animals, before I learned better. Growing up with a mother who grew up on a farm where animals were viewed primarily as meat, hearing her make fun of people behind their backs for “caring too much about animals,” plus my mother used to tell me, when I worried about animals living out in the cold, snow, and rain, that “animals don’t have feelings” — it was a huge eye opener to grow up, acquire some pets, and learn how much animals really do feel!
We don’t know until we learn. The difference is that narcissists apparently cannot learn to have genuine empathy.
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Yes I know what you mean Linda. I have an extremely narcissistic sister in law and one time she said to be when she saw a beautiful golden retriever “animals are so pathetic!” Yes, Diana I said they are loyal and loving and dependant that is so pathetic isnt it. Of course she just looked down her nose at me.
We DO learn and we can reenact abuse if we were traumatised as animals can be, but we are horrified about it, and narcissists are not as they just dont care about a vulnerable beings suffering. In fact some of them just delight in it. Thanks for your comments. ❤
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This could also be a great subject for a blog on how to recognise narcisssists, Linda 🙂
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If a person abuses a person they will abuse pets, and vice versa.
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Very true!
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