Bad Decisions & Narcissists

Psychology fascinates me.  I like to understand what makes people tick & why they do the things they do, which explains my interest in true crime.  I’m this way even with narcissists.  While I never can agree with their abuse of course, I am still curious what makes them do the things they do.  Besides, I’ve learned understanding them to a degree helps me to keep a healthy perspective about who is really the abuser, & who is the victim.    A lifetime of gaslighting still can make it hard sometimes to remember who the real victim & abuser are.  (For the record, I don’t think anyone can fully understand a narcissist except for another narcissist, so I know I’ll never entirely “get” them.)

 

I would guess I’m not the only person who is interested in understanding how people think, so I’m sharing this in case anyone else may find this as interesting as I did.

 

God showed me something quite interesting just before my father died last October.

 

As I mentioned before, he was in the hospital for 20 days on life support.  In that time, I had people (some I didn’t even know) contacting me to tell me that I needed to see him before he died, “so he could die in peace.”  “After all, you only get one set of parents!”  “You need to put your feelings aside.” & the classic, “I understand why you won’t see him, but you need to go see him.” (How does that even make sense?!)   Yep, I heard a LOT of crap.  My phone also rang, sometimes for 20+ rings at a time or there were frequent repeated calls back from people I didn’t even know, but who knew my parents.  Thank God for caller ID!  I didn’t know the number but at least I knew the names, so I knew not to take those calls.  It was a very painful time.. not only because of losing my father but also because of the constant bullying & harassment from so many people, even total strangers.

 

A few days before my father died, I was thinking about the entire situation.  It made me cry, as it did a lot at that time.  In my sadness I asked God, “Why do things have to be this way?!  This whole thing is so stupid & so wrong!”  Very clearly, I heard His voice… “Some people have made very bad decisions.”

 

It struck me.. that makes so much sense.  I knew exactly what He meant by that simple sentence!

 

Narcissists decide to act as they do.  They decided early in their lives that they were more important than other people & entitled to whatever they want.  They decided to shut down the natural empathy that people are born with & focus only on their wants, needs, etc. instead of caring about others.  They also decided they are allowed to use & abuse people to get what they want.

 

Flying monkeys also made a decision to be blindly loyal to their narcissist no matter what.  They decided they didn’t want to know anything beyond what the narcissist says about a situation.  They also decide to harass, stalk, shame & basically torture a victim if that’s what a narcissist wants of them (& often it is).  All flying monkeys have decided that a narcissist’s victim does NOT matter, only the narcissist & flying monkey matter.

 

Bad decisions like these are why people are abusive.  They have chosen to put themselves first & to disregard & even abuse other people.  This means the responsibility of their actions is completely on them.  No one  forced anyone to make the decisions they made.  No one forces them to continue making bad decisions or to continue the dysfunctional course they’re on.

 

These bad decisions also open the door for Satan to enter their lives, & close it for God to enter.  Every bad decision opens the door wider for the devil while closes it tighter to God.  I firmly believe that narcissism isn’t necessarily something biologically wrong with a person, but is demonic in nature.   2 Timothy 2:25-26 says, “He must correct those who are in opposition with courtesy and gentleness in the hope that God may grant that they will repent and be led to the knowledge of the truth [accurately understanding and welcoming it], 26 and that they may come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.”  (AMP)  The day my father died, a dear friend of mine received a vision from God about his salvation.  God reminded her of this verse at that time.  He said that is why my father behaved as he did- he had been taken captive by the devil to do his will.  Not long after he died, I thought about that Scripture & how it related to the bad decisions God told me about.  It makes a great deal of sense!

 

One thing many people fail to realize though is everything a person decides to do sows a seed, good or bad.  Galatians 6:7 says,  “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”  (KJV)  A person who abuses other people will NOT reap a harvest of love & kindness.  It’s only natural!  You can’t plant corn & expect to get an apple tree!

 

And, everyone has a point where they’ve had enough.  When they walk away, that is because the abuser is reaping their harvest.  I know, abusers & flying monkeys see this very differently, but it’s true.  No one who walks away is trying to punish or hurt the narcissist (we all realize that’s impossible anyway- narcissists don’t feel the way normal people feel).  We decide to walk away to protect ourselves & to stop the constant abuse.  It is a perfectly normal thing to do.  It is the natural harvest a person reaps after deciding to sow seeds of abuse in another person’s life.

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33 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

33 responses to “Bad Decisions & Narcissists

  1. Excellent post! My ex-fiance’ was a narcissist throughout the latter part of our relationship. Sure things were “Lovey Dovey” in the beginning, but as soon as we got engaged, things turned for the worse real quick. I was used and manipulated and tossed to the curb when I was ill. He left me homeless.
    I suffered from mental illness, but at that time I didn’t know. I even went as far as attempting suicide because of my depression. What was his response? I don’t give a shit, I’m done with you. Nice huh?
    Since that we fiasco, I did end up homeless for two years, but also sought out mental health care through our Counties mental health facility.
    My life swung around, and I’ve been so happy to be away from him ever since.
    This truly triggered the emotions of that time, but it also validated how I felt back then by reading this.
    Thank you!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Every person deals with grief in their own way, and this is how I view the relationship between narcissists and victim.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ibikenyc

    “After all, you only get one set of parents!”

    Yes; my point EXACTLY. (Spits, hard, on ground.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Excellent post. My favorite part is your last paragraph: “…everyone has a point where they’ve had enough.  When they walk away, that is because the abuser is reaping their harvest… We decide to walk away to protect ourselves & to stop the constant abuse.  It is a perfectly normal thing to do.  It is the natural harvest a person reaps after deciding to sow seeds of abuse in another person’s life.”

    I was just 16 years old when my doctor urged me to get as far away from my family as I could, as soon as I could, and never go back — because, he said, after talking at length with each of the adults in my family, he was convinced that they were making me sick!

    But my normal human desire to have a family kept me from fully following his wise advice. Although I did move to another state at the age of 21, leaving no forwarding address and going no contact for about two years, when I was 23 I called my parents and then drove over 650 miles to see them, because I was going through a rough time and felt like I needed a family. I hoped, too, that they had missed me during those 2+ years when they did not know where I was, and now they would treat me better. But all they did was reel me back in and rip me to pieces again.

    I continued this pattern for the next 35 years — going from periods of very low contact, back to a year or two or three of no contact, then driving hundreds of miles across the country to see my “family.” (None of them ever drove to my house to see me, of course.) Every time I went back, I hoped that this time would be different. But if anything, the only difference was that the verbal abuse, bullying, scapegoating, gaslighting, and lying about me continued to escalate over the years, as more flying monkeys joined in the fray.

    My final straw was the 62 page hate letter that my mother sent me in 2011, telling me everything that was ever “wrong” about me in my entire life. Her letter also faulted me for my failure to ever apologize to her for being her daughter!

    Although I never saw that letter (my husband got the mail that day and, knowing my history, he threw it away), I heard plenty about the letter from my aunt and a couple of my siblings, because my mother had given them a copy. But I could fill in the blanks even without reading it, because I had already read, multiple times, a 50 page hate letter that my mother sent me in 1983.

    My cousin, my only blood relative living in this state, tragically drowned less than a week after I learned about my mother’s latest hate letter. My grief was too intense for me to think much about the letter, so I waited almost 2 years before sending my mother a reply. Initially, it started as part of my therapy, where I wrote a letter that I did not intend to mail, as a cathartic exercise. But eventually, after much prayer, I decided that I needed to rewrite and mail my letter, in hopes that my holier-than-thou, Bible thumping, “Christian” mother might finally see the light and repent of her evil deeds.

    I started off the letter by explaining that my intention was not to hurt her or get revenge, but hopefully to inspire her to truly repent and get right with God. I said “I am going to tell you in this letter exactly what it has been like to be me, as your daughter. I was told that you complained in your 62 page letter that I have never apologized for being your daughter. In truth, I am deeply sorry for being your daughter. I would far rather have had almost any other woman as a mother. But unfortunately, I did not have a choice in the matter.”

    At the end of my letter, after detailing all of the verbal, physical, mental, and spiritual abuses that I remember my mother putting me through, I told her that I never want to hear from her again, unless it is to take full responsibility for all of her abuse, to fully and specifically repent to God and apologize to me for each of the many ways that she has sinned against me, and to recompense me by telling everyone to whom she has ever lied to about me, the complete and actual truth.

    I also pointed out, regarding her angry demands that I should be there and be doing things for her, now that she is widowed and elderly: “You say that I owe you, because you brought me into the world. But you lost your motherly rights to demand anything of any of your children, when you tried, multiple times, to gas us all to death in 1965-1966.”

    Why did it take me 48 years to finally think of telling her that? I don’t think I could have said it even then, if not for the therapy I’ve had with a good, caring, Christian therapist. Childhood brainwashing goes very deep!

    I have been 100% No Contact since I mailed that letter in January of 2013, a little over five years ago. My doctor urged me to go no contact in December of 1969. It only took me 42 years to finally get it right!

    Yes, Cynthia, you are exactly right: “When they (the victims) walk away, that is because the abuser is reaping their harvest.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • What a horrific story! It’s a miracle to me that you survived such abuse as well as you have. It’s no surprise it made you sick! How could it not?! And your mother wanted you to apologize for being her daughter?! How is that your fault? Unreal.. absolutely unreal. Her letters are mind numbing too. 50 pages & 62 pages is a LOT of hate to spew on to anyone, especially her own daughter. Utterly sickening!! Amazes me too how narcissistic parents think we owe them. My mother told me the same exact thing a few years ago when I was trying to help her & my father out after he had a stroke.

      Thank God you got away… maybe you weren’t able to do it sooner, & that’s why you didn’t. But at least you did escape & no doubt are much better for it!

      It is absolutely true- abusers reap what they sow when their victims walk away. Seems so many folks think we’re being petty or vengeful when nothing could be farther from the truth!

      Liked by 3 people

  5. ibikenyc

    Cynthia: Realize I never addressed your comment about “I like to understand what makes people tick & why they do the things they do, which explains my interest in true crime.”

    I, too, am fascinated by / with true crime and am often GLUED to Escape TV and the Investigation Discovery channel (that Lieutenant Joe Kenda is a cutie pie, ain’t he?!).

    In my teens and twenties I read every decently-written true-crime book I could get my hands on but never thought about why.

    Sometimes the (normal) people around the victims say things like, “What kind of a monster could DO a thing like this?”

    I sit here saying, “Give me a call; I’ll tell you ALL about it.”

    I was told that, a few years ago, the psychiatric community stopped making a distinction between sociopathy and psychopathy.

    Too bad.

    Like

    • You too? Nice! I just love Joe Kenda too! His stories fascinate me! Looking forward to him coming on in a few hours in fact.. lol

      Oh I know!!! I’ve thought the same exact thing- you don’t understand why someone would do such a terrible thing? I can explain it.. sit down.. lol

      I’ve noticed that it seems like sociopathy, psychopathy & NPD are all lumped into the same category. Is it just me or does it seem this dilutes the horrors of these disorders? (As if people calling anyone who does something selfish a narcissist doesn’t do that quite enough…)

      Liked by 1 person

      • ibikenyc

        Calling someone a Narcissist in the colloquial sense means only what it means; people think of like a comically-materialistic character from a sitcom (like that Stephanie on Newhart).

        Those who haven’t survived a CLINICAL N just don’t get it. They think of it as some extreme form of Princess-ness.

        I still make a distinction between socios and psychos: Socios are “just” viciously cruel and manipulative; psychos actually kill.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ibikenyc

        PS: Aside from all the Cluster B crap, I have to say it seems a disproportionate amount of people end up brutally murdered over nothing more than (forgive my language) a piece of ass!

        Like

  6. ibikenyc

    And THEN (sometimes) their kids end up with NEITHER parent!

    Even with my up-throwing, I can see how wrong / STOOPID that is!

    Like

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