Ways Flying Monkeys Try To Silence Victims Of Narcissists

Not only do narcissists want to silence their victims, but their flying monkeys want to do so as well.  This post will explain some of the ways they accomplish that.

 

Flying monkeys use some of the same topics as narcissists.  Personally, I believe that is because many of them are also narcissists, frequently covert.  I say this because it’s obvious that they gain something from being flying monkeys, & I think that something is narcissistic supply.  Often, they get to look like a good person, just trying to help, which is something that is extremely attractive to covert narcissists.  They’re also very manipulative, which describes all narcissists.  If they can get you to do what they want, they’re also obviously thrilled about that, & I think that is because it’s narcissistic supply.  Any time a narcissist can control another person, it makes them feel powerful, which gives them narcissistic supply.

 

One thing flying monkeys do to silence victims is invalidate them.  They have complete disregard for the victim’s pain, & have no trouble letting victims know that.  Invalidation quickly shuts a person down.  A frequently invalidated person feels like no one would want to hear anything they say because they are wrong, stupid or even crazy.

 

Another thing flying monkeys do is shaming their victims.  They do their best to make victims feel ashamed of themselves for being upset that the narcissist abused them.  They remind the victim that this is the only mother they’ll ever have, or remind the victim that her parents are elderly & won’t be around much longer.  If the victim has gone no contact with the narcissist in their life, there will be shaming for that too.  Flying monkeys may say things like, “After all that person did for you…”  “That kind of behavior isn’t honoring your mother or father!  If you’re a Christian like you claim to be, you would…”  “The Bible said God hates divorce.. you should work things out with him!”  If they can make you feel enough shame, you will suffer in silence, not confronting the narcissist or discussing the abuse she put you through with anyone.

 

Flying monkeys are also good with gaslighting.  They will let you know that they don’t believe you.  Things couldn’t have happened that way or they didn’t happen at all.  They accuse you of lying or at the very least exaggerating.  Anyone who they can make doubt themselves enough won’t confront the narcissist or reveal the abuse.  Why would they if they are unsure of what really happened?

 

Triangulation is another common toll flying monkeys use.  They will recruit the services of other flying monkeys to gang up on you.  If you stop speaking to one flying monkey, then a friend or relative of that one may contact you with the same messages as the original flying monkey.  The goal is to have as many people as possible give you the same message so you will do their will.  This even can apply to silencing victims.

 

Flying monkeys also love bullying, & can do it in many ways.  I think the most common is to call, text & email a person constantly in an attempt to wear them down so they do the flying monkey’s bidding.  One of my father’s flying monkeys & I were once on friendly terms.  She eventually got mad & stopped speaking to me.  I later blocked her on Facebook  in case she had any thoughts of wanting to contact me.  When she couldn’t reach me there, she emailed me & also used her dead mother’s Facebook to send me a message.  Others have called my home, letting the phone ring for several minutes straight or called back many times in a short period of time or both.  One of my mother’s flying monkeys once called my home three times in a row, letting the phone ring between 20 & 30 times each time she called.  My phone rang almost non stop for 5 minutes straight!  If a person can be worn down like this, then certainly that person can be forced to do anything the flying monkey wants, which is why they find this weapon so effective.

 

Flying monkeys also experience a narcissistic rage, because as I mentioned earlier, I believe they are also narcissists.  The rage of an overt narcissist is different than a covert one, one is very loud & abrasive while the other is quieter & slyly manipulative, but the end result is the same- no one wants to be on the receiving end of any narcissistic rage.  If a flying monkey finds out that you have confronted their narcissist or damaged their reputation by telling others of the abuse you have endured, rage will come upon you & it will be ugly.  The hope is the rage will be ugly enough to stop you from doing what you did ever again.  I’ve been on the receiving end of narcissistic rage of two flying monkeys for things other than them wanting to shut me up, but I can tell you, the rage is definitely enough to make you want to do anything to avoid it in the future!  I was fortunate enough that they weren’t in my presence when it happened, they both sent me emails, so I didn’t have to read what was said.  Unfortunately though, my email provider lists mail so you not only see who the mail is from & the subject line, but a little of the content of the email.  The little I saw was very painful.  One flying monkey attacked me for being “a bad Christian” & the other told me what a terrible daughter I am.  Not nice stuff.

 

Smear campaigns are an extremely common tool of narcissists & their flying monkeys.  If nothing they have done to silence you works, the smear campaign is their last resort.  They will talk trash about you to every single person they talk to, from their best friend to their hairdresser.  Everyone they meet will know what a terrible person you are, even if they have to make up wild accusations to make that happen.  Smear campaigns serve two purposes.  One is simple revenge.  You made the flying monkey’s narcissist look bad, so the flying monkey wants to make you look bad.  The other purpose is to discredit you, so if you tell anyone the flying monkey knows about the narcissist’s abusive ways, you won’t be believed.

 

Just remember, Dear Reader, you don’t have to be silenced.  You have every right to speak about whatever you want & to confront whoever you feel needs confronting.  Don’t let anyone stop you!

28 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

28 responses to “Ways Flying Monkeys Try To Silence Victims Of Narcissists

  1. ibikenyc

    “Flying monkeys may say things like, ‘After all that person did for you…’ ”

    Uh; don’t you mean after all they did TO me?????

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My NM has used her own children, my siblings, as her flying monkeys. They are all reprehensible. They have sent me hurtful text messages, defamed me and my children on FB, demanded the return of family photos, and participated in her smear campaign. I haven’t seen any of them since 12/15, and I wonder what they’ve gained by their loyalty to our mother. It’s not as though she hasn’t done the same things to them and their children that she’s done to me and mine. I may have been her favorite target, but I wasn’t the only one. And they know it.

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  3. QU825 Lexy

    I’m new to the whole concept of narcissism. I never realized till a couple months ago that this is what I’ve been dealing with my whole life. I wasn’t ready to go full no-contact, so I’ve been trying to stick to texting only. It’s driving my NM crazy. She’s attempted to apologize in writing but I just don’t know how to interpret this. It definitely doesn’t sound like her. Please help me to understand.

    My dearest _____,
    Thank you for your birthday card and birthday text. I have spent many months (literally) thinking about our family connection(s), dynamics and what it all means to each of us. I can only speak for myself and from my heart. _____, you claim that I have not answered your text/letter dated Nov. 10, 2017. Unfortunately, I was too distraught at the time perhaps for you to make sense of my phone call to you apologizing for my misspoken words back in September. Dad and I faced some serious issues with my health. Although I know you called Dad regarding my progress, I yearned to hear your voice to give me some comfort during that difficult time. Many times I was going to give up, but I kept thinking about family and how important it is to you and us. It were those thoughts that kept me going and after 2+ weeks in the hospital I was able to come home. The visiting nurses are still coming a couple of times a week and I have not been discharged from the Wound Care yet. Upon that discharge, I have to go to the Lymphodema Clinic at least 5 days a week for continued treatment, etc. That is a different issue from the Congestive Heart Failure I have. The important thing is that I am feeling much better than a month ago and continue to improve daily. I certainly hope and pray you can say the same.
    I was wrong to speak to you in that manner in September and would hope you can forgive me for my mistake. My remarks were of an “off the cuff” nature and surely not intended to hurt you in any way. As a matter of fact, when I was working at ____, many of my friends would call and ask me if I heard about such and such. My answer many times would be, “No, I live under a rock” meaning I’m removed from the everyday social events while working. So, I have even referred that term to “myself.” The new clergyman issue – I assumed since you and the family have joined us for Holiday events – I assumed you would know his name by the literature placed at each seat. Obviously, my assumption was wrong. I know I had you sign a card from the bank (Local Bank name) giving you authority to access our account. Perhaps you have forgotten, but I did check and you are a signatory. I most definitely would not intentionally hurt you; I am so sorry you interpreted our conversation that way. Both Dad and I were deeply concerned why these documents were requested when the conversations you and I had always led me to understand you knew where to find the important concerns you had. I hope the bond we share as mother and daughter is strong enough to endure. Trust me, if I could take the cancer away from you and give it to myself, I CERTAINLY WOULD! There is nothing in this world more hurtful than for a parent to see their child suffer in any way!
    As for the possibility of an “emergency happening at any moment” my response was uncalled for. This whole issue of these documents being duplicated or shared from the beginning has not set well with us. Dad and I saw and continue to see no purpose or the need for you to have the responsibility of the litany of documents requested. As Dad and I have stated to you, it is not as complicated as one may think. We have stated on several occasions that our burial should be in ______ Cemetery in Grandma and Papa’s plot. We have documentation that I have shared with you showing you where they are kept. You will also have a Durable Power of Attorney document. The meeting for these documents to be drawn up (with lawyer) had to be cancelled due to my hospitalization; then he was out of the country for a couple of weeks, and now we can schedule an appointment. As to the other documents requested, we prefer to keep those items. We have checked with a variety of people who questioned the insistence on this issue. They couldn’t understand why it is so important for you to possess these documents, and, in fact, never heard of this being done. In light of the fact that I could be making matters worse by stating the above, it’s best some of the requested documents be kept to ourselves. Everything will be clearly written out in our wills.
    Both of us were deeply hurt by the fact that ____ was visiting in you during the Xmas break. It was disheartening to know our grandson was approximately 150 miles away and we were not given the opportunity to see him. Dad and I forgive whoever was involved in that, but at the same time, we were hurt to the core. It’s done and over…. we want to look forward to sharing happy occasions from here on.
    Please ____, I want to be your mother and I want you to be my daughter once again to share the “good times” and the “not so good times”. I love laughing with you, and I want to feel your pain. I have learned that life is way too short and lives are way too precious to let us not share in the simple and yet complexities of life.
    With eternal love,
    Mom

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    • Well that’s nice.. I typed a comment & it vanished. ARGH! Ok, as I was saying….

      It sounds to me from what you said & reading this letter that this is an attempt from your mom to lure you back into the relationship. Hoovering as it’s called by some people. Basically it’s when the narcissist goes too far, victim pulls away, narcissist gets super nice for a while, victim resumes relationship & then the narcissist stops being nice & resumes being abusive.

      It also bothers me that there is so much talk about your mom in that letter! Everything is “I,” “My” or “Me”. That’s a huge warning sign of a narcissist. (I actually counted a few times how many times my mother said those words in conversation- she averaged between 20-30 times per minute!) You would expect her to say something about or referring to you at some point. Maybe “Can we talk about this?” “I’m sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.” Something! If someone was hurt by something I did & I genuinely didn’t know what I did, I’d try to find out what it was, apologize & promise not to do that again.

      Does what I said make sense? Does it sound feasible in your situation?

      Liked by 1 person

    • You know her well enough to say that it doesn’t sound like her, so do whatever you decide based on that. A lot of it appears to me to be legalese so perhaps your parents consulted an attorney, and the advice they received was incorporated in the letter. And regarding the emotional pleas it’s good to remember that narcissists are masters at saying what they think you want to hear just to manipulate you, so be cautious. Do what is best for you and your loved ones.

      Liked by 1 person

    • it would be helpful to study the list of manipulative tactics. Admission and apology is a tactic too. If they are cornered or out of other options they go there. But if it gets them what they want, they will never admit they did the thing they apologized for at a later time. They cant help themselves. They are damaged people. But stay away from the bait.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. QU825 Lexy

    Thank you! Yes. it makes sense. its always been “me” or “I” in every conversation. No matter what we are talking about she always turns it to her.
    My response from a few days ago is below. My dad wrote back today – I think my NM dictated to him (of course) because he does not have the vocabulary as indicated in the letter. My sister and I decided not to include them in my nephew’s visit because all communication had broken down at that point and I could not bear to speak or see them. These documents that are being referred to are all the end-of-life docs needed for adults to have when their parents are aging and unhealthy. Did I go wrong somewhere in all of this?

    Dear Mom,
    Thank for your letter addressing my concerns and hope that you really do understand how your words from September have weighed so heavily on me all these months. I am glad to hear that you are feeling much better.
    You stated in your letter, “Trust me, if I could take the cancer away from you and give it to myself, I CERTAINLY WOULD! “
    Since you can’t take the cancer away, you can actually greatly relieve some of my stress and worry about being prepared for emergencies in the future, by gathering and sending the information we need. At least for now, scans and/or digital copies of documents & information needed in an emergency with health issues, fire, theft or accidents would suffice. I am trying to avoid a chaotic situation, especially if the lymphoma becomes active again, of not having information readily available when it’s needed. You are right that life is way too short — and using precious time trying to gather necessary information in an emergency could mean the difference between life and death.

    Regarding ___’s visit, communication was so severely compromised that it made it impossible to arrange anything.

    I am sorting through a myriad of feelings so communicating be text for now is the best way.

    With love,
    ____

    March 14, 2018

    Dear ___,
    I read your response to Mom’s letter dated March 12, 2018.
    I’m disappointed that the primary issue you addressed in your letter were the “documents”. Suffice it to say that we (as stated in Mom’s letter of February 28, 2018) feel we do not want to share these documents at this time. We believe that the situation has been talked about far too long and we will not change our minds. Please respect our decision just as we would respect yours should it be of a personal nature to you. As Mom stated in her letter, “Everything will be clearly written out in our wills.” You insist on using these documents as a “bargaining tool,” be assured these are OUR documents and for now we choose to keep it that way. We thank you for respecting our decision for you to not ask for them again. We understand your health is a major concern to all of us just as you must understand that Mom’s health is tenuous at best. None of us can predict the future, but we all hope it will be a long one. I don’t think it will be “the difference between life and death” (as you stated in your letter) if you do not have these documents.
    Should a death occur to either Mom or me, the survivor will know exactly how to proceed for a funeral and will share with you all the details. If both of us pass away at the same time, you will have the necessary information (in the near future) for funeral(s) etc.
    Hopefully, our relationship can take a turn for the better. Mom clearly stated in her letter in detail that she apologized to you for a variety of misunderstandings and or misinterpretations. There is really no need for this “texting” to continue. We are very disappointed that you don’t respect or care about us enough to make a phone call to mom to check on her wellbeing. This has been going on since September, 2017. It has become childish behavior.
    Your comment regarding ____’s visit was weak at best. It doesn’t take much to let us know that he will be in your state and let us make a decision whether it would be possible for us to see him. I’m sure the plan for him to come was made far enough in advance for his friends and others to make their plans to see him. As Mom stated, it is done, but don’t think for a moment we are oblivious to the arrangements that had to be made ahead of time for the visit. You and or whoever else were involved were wrong. You can’t compare the disagreement we have concerning “documents” to the LOVE of a grandchild.
    Now it’s up to you ____, to come up to the plate to help make amends with us and do the right thing. It appears that we miss you a lot more than you miss us. “Forgiveness” is a wonderful thing and can heal a multitude of health anxieties and personal issues. This has gone on for seven months – enough is enough!
    Love,
    Dad

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    • I don’t think you did anything wrong. Your letter was to the point without being blunt or rude. How they came to the documents you mentioned being a “bargaining tool” is beyond me. It sounds to me that since you weren’t sufficiently “hoovered” back in, they’re mad, so now it’s trying to beat you down to punish you & make you feel bad enough to be drawn back into relationship with them.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. QU825 Lexy

    So, it’s as if they are grasping at any- and every- thing, trying to get me to “comply”. It’s so sad that I can’t even have a loving relationship with my own parents. One minute I receive a letter sickeningly sweet and the next a letter with such hurtful stabs treating me like a petulant, spoiled brat. What infuriates me is that she put him up to sending this last letter when clearly she wrote it. Dad is like her puppet and doesn’t even have the guts to stand up to her and voice his opinion…actually he probably doen’t even have an opinion because she won’t allow him to have one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s exactly what it sounds like to me, unfortunately.

      It’s very sad & painful when you can’t have a loving relationship with your own parents.

      It sounds like your father & mine have a lot in common. Mine simply didn’t have the inner strength or courage to stand up to my mother to protect himself or me. He simply did as she told him to. He was a covert narcissist though so I’m sure he got plenty of narcissistic supply looking like her innocent victim. Both of my parents were each other’s victim & each other’s abuser. It’s a pretty common scenario with narcissists. Do you think that describes your situation as well?

      Liked by 1 person

  6. QU825 Lexy

    I don’t think my father is a covert narcissist. I just read about what that is and it doesn’t fit his personality. He’s a good guy. Very personable and down to earth. But yet relatively quiet and tries to avoid confrontation at all costs. He won’t even blink an eyelash unless she tells him to. I’m exaggerating, of course, but it literally is that bad.

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    • That’s a relief at least.. the added element of covert narcissism makes it even harder to deal with.

      He sounds like he simply doesn’t have the strength to stand up to her. That has to be so hard for him. 😦

      Like

  7. Thank you for this post. It is restorative to know others have had the experience. When we stand with each other we affirm that hope is within our reach. Thank you again. http://www.hopehasahome.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Ways Flying Monkeys Try To Silence Victims Of Narcissists — CynthiaBaileyRug – SURVIVING THE UNHINGED & CLAN

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