So many of us raised with narcissistic parents have heard the phrase “just let it go” too many times to count upon mentioning our awful upbringing. People fail to realize that we would love to let it go & not think about it anymore. Unfortunately, it’s just not that simple!
Narcissistic abuse is incredibly ubiquitous. It doesn’t simply affect one small part of you- it permeates every area of your mind & even body. All of your thinking stems from the perspective of someone who was abused by a narcissist. Your body may reflect that abuse too, even if the narcissist didn’t attempt to hurt you physically. The constant stress of living with a narcissist can lead to adrenal fatigue, thyroid problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, C-PTSD or PTSD (which are both brain injuries resulting from surviving trauma).
Simply put, you can’t “just let go of” such things no matter how much you wish you could. And honestly, why would you? To make some cold hearted, unfeeling person more comfortable in your presence? Life experiences- good, bad or indifferent- made you the person you are. Learn from them all & grow!
There are some things you can let go of, however. You can let go of:
- expecting the person who told you “just let it go” to be caring & supportive of you.
- the warped belief that something is wrong with you for having problems (either physical or mental or both) after surviving narcissistic abuse.
- that sick belief the narcissist instilled in you that you made him/her abuse you.
- believing that you are the only one responsible for making relationships work.
The next time someone tells you to “just let it go,” you can tell them what you have let go, using the above statements as an example. Or, if you really want to throw them for a loop, ask them what exactly do they want you to let go of & how they recommend you go about doing so.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
Letting go of my mother ever understand that she was cruel because some how she always makes herself out to be the martyr. Here’s a line from her recent email.
“You can only see me through the evil mother glasses you wear. I have accepted that’s your reality, no way, SHE is only evil. And you know what it’s OK with me, don’t say caregiver say your mother. If what you you’ve been through helps another person, a mother or daughter I’m all for you sharing your complete story.
> It is after all your testimony. Make it the whole truth.”
She physically beat me until I broke. In fear of her temper tantrum from not getting dinner cooked by the time she got home from work (I was 14) I sliced off the top of my finger cutting a potato, and she gets to be the martyr. I have aka, evil mother glasses because she behaved in an evil manner. She will never get it. How magnanimous?, “if it helps someone else” oh poor pitiful mother. False humility!!!
Thanks for your post. It couldn’t have come at a better time! I choose to heal and call it what it is. No more dismissing bad behavior, but I will let go of the hope she will ever understand how cruel she was.
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Wow… evil mother glasses huh? Sure sounds more like evil mother reality to me. I’m so sorry you’ve been subjected to that awful abuse!
You’re welcome.. I’m glad my post helped you! I feel it’s important to write about “just let it go” fairly often because so many people say that to victims. We need to know that we can’t “just let go” of what they think we should, but there are unhealthy things we can let go of.
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It such a typical ploy of an abuser to negate their victims in this way, but it really hurts… Thanks for the reminder of how long term the bodily effect of narcissistic abuse can be…. we so often end up blaming ourselves in similar ways, in my experience.
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It truly is! They’re all rather predictable.
You’re welcome for the reminder. 🙂
That’s my experience as well.
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What do they want us to let go of? Our boundaries and the truth of what was done to us.
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Pretty much, yep..@@
Years ago when my mother threw me into a wall, my father said something about the incident to her shortly after. She said, “You’re never going to let that go are you? It’s in the past!” (Granted he lied a lot but I believe that was true- it sounds like her) Summed her up perfectly. Forget her bad behavior like it never happened, even though it caused me to stop working outside the home & being able to support myself so I still had to deal with it daily until God healed me.
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Oh, Cynthia. Your statement about your mother throwing you into a wall. That hurts my heart so bad. I am so sorry that happened to you.
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Thank you. I’m sorry too. It was awful- I really believe my mother wanted to kill me the night she threw me into that wall. Her eyes turned jet black & she went crazy. And not once did she apologize or accept responsibility- just blamed me for “making” her do that by being too upset to drive then later tell everyone I was lazy & faking the back injury so I wouldn’t have to work. That stuff still sickens me. How can anyone do that to another person, let alone their own child?! Simply amazing.
I guess I haven’t “just let it go” yet.. lol
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There’s no way to “just let go” of something like that.
What you said about your mother’s eyes going jet black, is something I have heard others say. I think that may be a sign of demonic activity. When my dad was most abusive, the pupils of his eyes glowed fiery red. Other people saw this happen, too, not just me. My dad was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was 30 years old. This was right after he was arrested for almost murdering my mother. First he was arrested, then he was taken to a hospital because of his out of control type one diabetes. From there, he was committed to a psychiatric ward and diagnosed schizophrenic. Later, his diagnosis was changed to multiple personality disorder, which today is known as dissociative identity disorder. But I believe that multiple personality disorder is a more accurate description of what my late father had. Beginning with my earliest childhood memories, my dad really was more than one person. I believe that in his case, demons were probably at the root of that. My dad’s father practiced witchcraft and druidism.
As severely mentally ill as my father was, and horribly, homicidally abusive, even so, my mother — who never went to a therapist to be diagnosed with anything as far as I know — was much more abusive. Yes, I come from fine stock!
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I agree.. I have forgiven her for it in the sense I’m not angry at her about it anymore. I just don’t understand any of it & remember it as possibly the most terrifying moment of my life.
I believe you’re right about the black eyes & demonic activity.. I’ve heard others say the same thing about their abusive parent, spouse, etc., that when they were at their worst, their eyes turned black.
Fiery red?! OMGOSH! That had to be freaky & terrifying! It sounds like he did open that door wide for demons, being into such things. I’ve also wondered if Schizophrenia could be demonic, since people often describe voices telling them to do horrible things. Do you have any thoughts on that?
So, your mother was more abusive than your mentally ill, demonically oppressed or possessed father?! Good Lord.. how did you survive?!
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Yes, I have plenty of thoughts about schizophrenia being demonic. My full story… whew. It’s a crazy one. I need to get off my computer, so to sum it up: I believe that I survived because I answered an altar call at the age of six, to be a Christian. And that pastor, a neighbor, never stopped praying for me. Although my very religious parents’ abuse caused me to lose my faith for years, God never let go of me.
I followed in my paternal grandfather’s footsteps for awhile when I was 14, when my school friends invited me to join them in Ouija board seances…. and horrible things happened. I will tell you more later, and it will be in my memoir. But yes, what you said about schizophrenia, hearing voices, and demons — yes, I agree 100%.
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Thank God for your neighbor/pastor! What a blessing to have him in spite of the madness at home. Did he know what was happening with your parents?
Oh my.. I messed with Ouija boards for some time too. They certainly can stir up terrible things, can’t they? I’m interested in hearing about your experiences with the Ouija.
I’ve never known anyone personally with Schizophrenia, just thought the voices thing sounded demonic. You saying you agree, considering your experience, makes it seem even more likely it’s demonic. That’s scary. All they do is medicate people, isn’t it? I wonder how much more success could be had treating people if they exorcised demons rather than throwing pills at people.
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You listed, as one of the things we can let go of, “that sick belief the narcissist instilled in you that you made him/her abuse you.”
Yes. After learning that my first husband was physically beating me, my mother blamed me 100%. “Something about you just brings out the worst in people,” she said .
I believed that for years. No more.
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That is a horrible thing for her to tell you! I’m so sorry that she was so cruel! Wow!
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When my first husband abandoned our 2 year old daughter and me my NM said that he wouldn’t have left if I’d given him a son.
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Unfreakin’ real. @@
When my ex beat me up, my father later told me my mother said I must have done something terrible to make my ex hit me. Then 20 years later, she randomly called one day asking if my ex ever hit me- my father recently had said he had. I said yes & was shocked she’d ask. She saw me all bruised & swollen. She was so surprised… said “Well if i would’ve known, I would’ve gotten a lawyer & gone after him!” Do what?!?!
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Dear Suzanne, what your NM said to you is so cruel and hateful, it makes my blood boil. I literally choked up inside, just imagining how it would feel to hear those ignorant, mean words from your own “mother”. Your momster sounds so much like mine. Hateful beyond belief, and stupid. Stupid, because it’s the man’s sperm, not the woman’s eggs, that determines the sex of the child.
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I can’t begin to tell you how much it hurt to hear that from her at a time when I needed all the support I could get.
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No doubt. That wasn’t just plunging a knife in your heart it was twisting it around & pouring salt in the wound
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I literally got chills all over me as I read your last comment just now, Suzanne. I wish I could give you a hug. Cry with you. Take you out to dinner. Oh man, I have tears in my eyes now. The cruelty of your mother’s words, at such a vulnerable time, is mind boggling. And.. so very like my momster.
I hope your life is in a much better place today. My life definitely is. But it took a lot of years, a lot of good therapy, and reading a small library’s worth of good self-help books, to get where I am today. Reading great blogs like this one has also helped me immensely!
My daughter is a psychotherapist in training. A couple of days ago she told me that she is now learning something called Emotionally Focused Therapy, EFT for short. She mentioned a book called Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, the psychologist who was the primary discoverer of this type of therapy. In reading online about Sue Johnson and her work, including an updated version of her landmark book, entitled Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples, I am amazed that her therapy method isn’t more well known. Because it just makes so much sense!
Basically, to paraphrase what I read earlier today about EFT, this therapy method is based on the fact that we were all created to need, and to seek, loving, caring, empathetic, encouraging, and affirming relationships with the people closest to us: our parents, our friends, and our significant others. When we have that kind of relationship in our lives, then we are able to thrive, to reach our maximum potential, and to heal from the traumas and hardships of life. But without this kind of relationship, the opposite happens. We are wounded, we are in pain, and we become dysfunctional in various ways, to varying degrees.
When your husband abandoned you, you needed your mother’s love, compassion, affirmation, and encouragement more than anything. Instead, like Cynthia said, she poured salt in your wound and twisted the knife. Ugh.
Here’s a big caring ((HUG)) if you want one.
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Thank you, Linda, for your kind words and hugs. I am much happier today than I was before going NC. But there are some consequences of the abuse, mostly medical issues, that linger and likely always will. Still, I have the security of a loving Savior, husband, children, and friends. God has provided generously for me and mine and we want for nothing in the material sense. So I count my blessings. I’m content, and that is far more than I ever expected to have.
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I’m not a mental health professional, so I have more questions than answers about schizophrenics. For example, do the voices they hear ever tell them to do good things? The little I know about them is that the voices tell them to do destructive and self-destructive things. And that sounds demonic to me.
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That’s what I’ve always wondered too! Do the voices ever say things like, “Give your wife flowers” or is it always something horrible like kill your neighbor?
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I wonder if there’s any way to research that.
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Good question.. I have no idea. Never really thought about it before.
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Oh man… I really need to finish and publish my book, Growing Up Crazy. No, in my experience, the voices never say anything good.
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Eleven to twelve years ago, I complained in emails to my then-alive mother about her emotional abuse. She must have told my sister (one of her flying monkeys) about it, portraying herself in the best possible light and portraying me in the worst. My sister then emailed me, telling me to “let this go.” She also told me not to reply to her, so I wasn’t able to give her my side of the story. This sister claims all the time that she ‘loves’ me.
What you say above about letting go of ‘expecting the person who told you “just let it go” to be caring & supportive of you’ really rings true for me and my relationship with my sister.
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I’m sorry.. that is one painful thing to let go of isn’t it?
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Every once in a while a fellow survivor can say that a sibling or other family member validates and supports them. But that’s rare. And that lack of support and understanding can be more painful than the original abuse. In a family dynamic tainted with narcissistic abuse the pain just never stops.
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Well said Suzanne
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Yes, it is. If you’re interested, I discuss the issue in more detail in this blog post: https://mawrgorshin.com/2017/12/26/absence-makes-the-mind-go-fonder/
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