Sometimes narcissists & their flying monkeys can be incredibly devious, even after you are no contact with them. One way they like to mess with their victims after no contact is initiated is to use very subtle ways to let victims know they can’t stop the narcissist or flying monkey from contacting them. In fact, they remind me of Glenn Close’s character in the 1987 movie “Fatal Attraction.” Do you remember the movie? In it, she had an affair with Michael Douglas who was married to someone else. He tried to break off the affair & she pretty much went crazy. She showed up at his & his wife’s apartment in one scene. He confronted her later at her apartment, & said she had to leave him alone. She said she wouldn’t be ignored, then, “What am I supposed to do? You won’t take my calls & you changed your number!” Seems oddly familiar to me…
As I’ve said before, I believe most flying monkeys are also narcissists, so for convenience sake, I’ll refer to them & narcissists as narcissists in this post.
Some narcissists send cards for special days like birthdays, anniversaries or holidays even after no contact. No doubt they hope to ruin your special day. It also is impossible to avoid receiving things in the mail, so it’s their subtle way to tell you that you can’t ignore them. If they want to contact you, they can, & you can’t prevent them from doing it. Sure, you can mark the envelope, “return to sender”, but the fact is even if you do that, they know you’ve seen their mail which will make them quite happy. In this situation, I save the unopened envelope for documentation in case I need it for any reason.
There are also those who reach out to you from phone numbers or other accounts that you haven’t blocked or will create new accounts or get a new number. This is just one more subtle way for these abusive narcissists to show you that you can’t tell them what to do- if they want to contact you, they will do so. Block this access as well! Let them know by your actions that you will NOT respond to them, period. If they are very persistent, you’ll probably end up feeling like you’re trying to plug holes in a sinking boat. I’ve been there & can tell you that is an awful feeling. But, keep plugging the holes! Don’t give in & talk to them! Remember, you’re no contact for good reason!
When these narcissists are able to get through to you, they may act like nothing is wrong, like you never initiated no contact in the first place. Their tone will be light & happy. They may call you “sweetheart” or other nicknames, even if they never used the nickname with you before. They may off non-apologies such as “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings last time we spoke. I was just upset.” Or, they may make excuses for their behavior. Don’t be fooled!! Nice nicknames don’t mean they have changed, & neither do lame excuses & non-apologies. If at all possible, don’t read their messages. You may want to save them for documentation in case you decide to look into pressing charges against them for harassment, however.
Narcissists often like to use the phone as a weapon. Granted, you can block their number, but they still can use other phones to call you or block their number when calling. If at all possible, don’t answer your phone unless you have no doubt who is calling you. You also may wish to stop using voicemail. I don’t use it at all on my home or cell phone because I don’t even want to hear the voice of a narcissist calling. Hearing that person’s voice can be triggering & upsetting, & this is an easy way to avoid that.
Another typical tactic narcissists use when calling is to let the phone ring & ring. One flying monkey of my mother’s let my home phone ring for about five minutes straight one evening. Or, they may call back many times in a short window of time. Or both. These tactics can be incredibly frustrating. I always felt like I wanted to pick up the phone & verbally rip these people apart for this ridiculous behavior. That also would’ve been the absolute worst possible thing to do. Instead, let the phone ring & ignore it. Shut off the ringer if it helps you. Whatever you do, do NOT take that call! A person who employs these tactics is basically a bully, trying to force you to do what they want, which is take their call. If you give in, they will know this tactic works & do it again & again. They also will see that they have the ability to pressure you into doing what they want, so they will do other things to attempt to force you to do their bidding.
Never, ever give narcissists what they want. The more you deprive them of their precious narcissistic supply, the better your chances they will leave you alone at some point.