Realizing How Wrong Abuse Is Can Help You

I realized something recently that has been a big help to me, & I believe it can be to you too.

When remembering some of the traumatic & abusive events I’ve been through in my life recently, suddenly I started seeing just how wrong those things were.  Oddly, doing that small gesture has helped loosen the hold the damage from such events had over me.  I think that happens because I never really questioned these things before.

If you’re reading my blog, chances are you too have experience with narcissists, so you probably know just what I’m talking about.  Narcissists don’t allow you to question anything.  Whatever they say or do, that is the end of the matter.  They’re right, according to them, & you aren’t allowed to think otherwise.  Especially with parents, when this happens often as a child, you learn not to question things, just accept them as fact.  Seeing clearly that they were wrong & accepting that is a big step in breaking the hold this abuse has over you.

I recently had a flashback about something that happened to me in late 1989 when I was 18.  My current ex husband & I were dating, & I hadn’t moved out of my parents’ home at that time.  I forget why, but he wanted to use my car one day, so we swapped cars.  I was off work that day & my mother insisted I go to the grocery store with her.  I said before I went, I wanted to put gas in the car since it was low, as usual.  I’d do that then meet her at the store.  I did, & on my way to the store, I lost control of the car & landed in a ditch around a turn.  It was raining, & the ex’s car had bald tires, so it’s no surprise this happened in spite of me being very careful.  Thankfully I wasn’t hurt, & his car only had minimal damage.  This happened close to my ex’s parents’ house so I went there.  A nice man driving a dump truck took pity on me walking in the rain & gave me a ride.  When I got there, I told the ex’s dad what happened.  He arranged to get the car towed & I called my mother at the grocery store (pre-cell phones, obviously).

You’d think ditching the car was the trauma, but it wasn’t.  When I called my mother, she  yelled at me, telling me she knew when I didn’t show up, I’d been in an accident & it served me right for driving that piece of junk car.  The ex’s father was furious at what happened, blaming me for driving recklessly.  The ex’s mother also blamed me but was at least nicer about it.  The ex, believe it or not, was glad it happened, because it meant his parents would finally buy him the new tires he wanted.  Later that evening, the ex & I visited my (narcissistic) grandmother who wouldn’t have cared less what I had went through that day.

For years, I accepted that this accident was my fault & I deserved what I got.  It simply hadn’t crossed my mind to question that until my recent flashback.  Suddenly it hit me how incredibly wrong this whole event was!  I didn’t know just how bad the tires were- all I heard was they were wearing out so be careful.  I never thought to check for myself.  It wasn’t my car, so why would I, especially when my ex was a mechanic?  Also, this could’ve been avoided if I’d had my own car- it was ridiculous my ex wanted to have mine as often as he did at that time.  Granted, mine was the better of our two cars, but if he wanted better, he should have got his own better car!  My ex’s parents should have replaced the tires, too, since they knew just how bad the tires were.  And lastly my mother.. that is how she treated her own daughter after her first car wreck?!  No “Are you ok?”  or any sign of concern, just yelling at & blaming me.  Considering her mother didn’t care either, it’s obvious where she got her lack of compassion.

For the first time, I finally realized how wrong all of this was.  Every single person in this scenario was wrong except me, the one who got all the blame!  I realized how wrong it is that the only person who was nice to me in that incident was the dump truck driver- a total stranger!  This entire situation was wrong- every single thing about it!

Looking at the situation differently reminded me of turning a kaleidoscope.  One small turn & the scene inside looks entirely different.  At least kaleidoscopes give a pretty picture.  This was far from pretty, but at least it helped me to release the guilt I felt for almost 29 years!

Since this happened, I’ve been looking at other situations in a new light, & having the same type of results.  The slight turn of the kaleidoscope gave me a new perspective, & enabled me to release guilt, shame, & false beliefs while accepting the truth in their place.

Dear Reader, I urge you to try this too.  Think about a specific trauma in your life from a more objective perspective.  Try to look at it as if you’re watching a movie, for example, or as if it’s happening to someone else, so your emotions are not so involved.  Chances are, you’ll see how wrong & unfair it was as I have.  Did it help you to release any guilt or false beliefs you had received as a result of that awful experience?  If not, ask God to tell you the truth about it, & I have no doubt He will help you to release those things!

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17 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

17 responses to “Realizing How Wrong Abuse Is Can Help You

  1. My last boyfriend of nine years was a narcissist, He had another girlie-friend he was rubbing in my nose yet he found me every I went. Him and his imps destroyed my truck twice costing me a lot of money, ruined my credit cuz I had to borrow money the second time to fix my truck after they destroyed it. He stole my little house building that I built, thousands of dollars, stole all my expensive tools and everything I owned. This is only a tiny bit of the damage from this one. The other ones from the past are a whole other story. I love you post.

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    • Corrections on my comment post: “narcissist.” and “he found me every where I went.” and “money and ruined my credit”

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      • Wow.. just incredible! What a horrible person, doing all that stuff to you! And his “imps” getting in on that.. it never fails to amaze me how narcissists get such unwavering loyalty. People will do anything for them. WHY?! It makes no sense!

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        • And thank you for saying you love my post.. I appreciate that! ❤

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          • I read all your post and your readers post and it makes me stronger. I have been using the no contact for many years now and would never get involved in any man nor woman again. The sad part is always that when someone manages to escape, get away or they pass away, at least on my part we still love them. I would not take nothing for my freedom I have now and that even means five children i have not ever met. They were stolen at birth by different people. I learned on face-book that my two sons died of cocaine overdoses. My three daughters has found me, but not even them luring me from my freedom works anymore. Because I already know that they are toxic. Keep your post going, this is near and dear to many people whether it be a parent, relationship, children, or marriage. Mary Nellie

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            • Mary Nellie, your story is so sad! To have children but not have met them because they were stolen.. that is horrible! I am so very sorry! It’s very understandable how you feel! Once you escape narcissistic abuse, there is no going back. You just can’t go through it again.

              Thank you for your kind words. I definitely plan to keep writing! 🙂

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        • My siblings, our mothers enablers, believe she is never at fault. They continually make excuses for her and even join in on the abuse. Every other relationship must be sacrificed to her needs, which is what happened when I finally went NC. And she has abused them and their loved ones too! I believe that in most cases it’s a matter of the enablers lack of knowledge about narcissism and of the true nature of their family dynamic. And I’m an example of that because I endured the abuse for decades believing that it was something I had to do out of family loyalty and love for my parents and siblings. What I didn’t see was that the obligation and loyalty was all one-sided. It didn’t extend to me and my family and never would. And, most importantly, I wasn’t helping my parents. By continually enduring their abuse I was enabling it and that meant that they couldn’t see their need for repentance. I often think about my attempts to convince my siblings to put up a united front against the abuse and how different things may have been if they’d done that. It may have helped us to remain a family instead of the splintered mess we’ve become.

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          • Very sad.. it’s such a shame things turned out the way they did. I get not everyone knows about NPD but what always amazes me is at some point, don’t people realize something is wrong? Doesn’t it click that the relationship is entirely one sided?

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            • I think the better question is why they’re willing to tolerate a one-sided relationship. My siblings never denied that our NM often did things she shouldn’t do. The problem is that they decided she wasn’t at fault because of the excuses she had drilled into us all of our lives, principally our fathers verbal, emotional, and financial abuse of her. He abused us too, but we aren’t permitted to discuss how that hurt us and how she failed to protect us. It’s always all about her, you see. She’s also a consummate actress who is able to mimic caring when it benefits her and that has been offered up as proof that she isn’t really a person who deliberately chooses to hurt others (but if she does she should be forgiven because she does do some good things on occasion). There is also the old standby of “that’s just the way she is and many other women her age are just like that”, two lazy excuses that dismiss both the pain her conduct causes and the possibility of change. We are all damaged, and I see that in my siblings as distinctly as I can see it in myself. And we are all different in the way that we live with that damage. I have chosen to stop tolerating her abuse and our one-sided relationship. And if that makes me the bad guy so be it.

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              • Very interesting.. your situation reminds me a lot of my husband’s family. Mom was never to be held accountable because Dad had abused her & it was her kids’ place to take care of/protect her. It was always, “That’s just how she is.” “You have to understand her.” “You should be the bigger person.” Nonsense like that. As far as I know, my husband is the only one who realized that she did some pretty awful things, & that didn’t happen until after she died 2 years ago. I guess denial is more comfortable to some folks for whatever reason. Very sad though.. being free of the abuse is so much better!!

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          • This is so true, we don’t know. I had no clue about narcissistic abuse till I started reading up on it and now I feel so stupid because I gave by husbands, children and boyfriends everything and when women say everything we mean EVERYTHING, All to get stomped on, used and be alone. So I feel your pain and these children should not have had to be involved in this, but it’s truly a good thing to inform and teach your kids the evil in this world, not that a fairy god-mother and Santa are on they’re way. And that God can not physically do anything about the evil in this world. These are Lucifer’s times. God hasn’t come yet.

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  2. Your car accident story reminds me of a bicycle accident I was in when I was about ten years old, and instead of being given love from my NM, I was shamed for it. Scroll down to Part IV of this blog post to get the whole story: https://mawrgorshin.com/2017/11/21/no-empathy/

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    • Our stories are similar for sure. I’m sorry you experienced that intense lack of empathy too!

      It’s incredible to me how narcissists have no empathy. I understand it, but I can’t really grasp it, yanno? How can anyone not care that their own child experienced something bad?! Probably one of those things I’ll never fully understand.

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      • I suspect the narcs’ lack of empathy stems from a lack of empathy they themselves never got, as kids, from their own parents. A psychoanalyst named Heinz Kohut studied narcissistic personality disorders, and the conclusion he came to was that the narcs experienced a lack of parental empathy in their own childhoods (That’s NOT to say that all of us empathy-deprived children have become narcs! You have to read his books to get the whole picture; I can’t cover such a complex subject here, obviously.).

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