I’m sure we’ve all been there. We try to discuss some about our traumatic situations with a narcissist only to be met with someone trying to shut us down. They clearly don’t want to hear about it & say things to invalidate your pain such as “Just get over it already,” “Lots of people were abused by their parents but you don’t hear them talking about it,” or (possibly the stupidest one yet) “But that’s your MOTHER/FATHER!!”
When this happens, it can make you feel bad in many ways. It can make you ashamed of “whining”, it can make you feel like you’re petty or overreacting to things that weren’t a big deal, or it can make you feel like a bad son/daughter or even Christian for being upset about your parents abusing you.
Dear Reader, I want to tell you today, please do NOT feel bad when someone treats you this way! The truth is, their wanting to shut you down is about them, NOT you! These people have their reasons for wanting to shut you down, They aren’t good reasons, but they also have nothing to do with you.
The person may be gaining something from supporting/enabling your narcissistic parent or partner. What that is can be anything- maybe they get money, things or even just the narcissist’s praise. If this person is also a narcissist as many flying monkeys are, that praise is extremely important to them after all. This person obviously is not willing to jeopardize losing whatever it is he or she is gaining, so it is more beneficial for them to shut you down than to listen to what you have to say.
The person also may have their own issues, & you facing yours reminds them of theirs. That can make them want to shut you down quickly, because you make them feel uncomfortable by reminding them of their similar situations.
What if a person has codependency issues? If that person is raised in an emotionally incestuous/parentalizing environment, that person is going to believe it is a child’s job to take care of & cater to their parent forever. At least until such time as they learn how unhealthy this situation is. But, if a person doesn’t realize how unhealthy it is, they think everyone should do as they do, & cater to & care for their parents no matter what. They may even think it’s loving & “Godly” to tolerate whatever abuse their parents dish out. If you’re standing up for yourself, setting boundaries or even *gasp* saying your parents are less than perfect, to this person, you are committing a terrible sin in this person’s eyes. They want to shut you down so they don’t have to hear about it. They think everyone should do as they do. That is their reality & it makes them uncomfortable if you threaten it in any way.
There are two other possibilities that God spoke to me when my father was dying in October, 2017. As I wrote about before, at the time, people continually harassed & tried to bully me into visiting my father. I mean, not only daily but often multiple times in a day. I eventually asked God why were they so cruel to me? He told me two things…
They were in denial about my father. They wanted to believe he was a good guy, & me refusing to speak to him threatened that denial. They wanted me to go to him so they could remain in denial. After all, if I went, it would be proof to them that all was fine. People in denial will do about anything to protect their delusions.
God also said to me that they don’t know me now. They remembered me as that scared of everything little kid I once was, that was also blindly obedient to my parents. By that person being strong enough to face her own issues, it makes them feel weak for not facing theirs. They wanted to push me back into being like I used to be so they didn’t have to feel weak. If the person in your situation knew you when you were being abused, they knew a different version of you. They knew the beat down victim that we all have been at some point. It’s very possible that they may want you to stay that way so they don’t have to feel badly for not dealing with their own issues.
Just remember, Dear Reader, when people invalidate you or try to shut you down, it’s not your fault. It’s not about you. It’s about them & their own issues.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
You have perfectly described my family dynamic. And I don’t believe it will ever change, even after my CNM is gone. I hope it does, I pray it does, but I don’t see how my siblings can ever see or accept the truth about our Nrents. Their own narcissism, parentification, denial, brokenness, and willful blindness are very powerful and they show no sign of being willing or able to break free or even to simply stop enabling our mother. And she is unlikely to stop doing what has served her so well for so long. The fact that it was at the expense of her children seems not to matter to her at all. I am strictly NC with her so I don’t know how she feels (if she even thinks of it at all) about her legacy, of a family torn apart by her manipulation and triangulation. But I hope that she does before it’s too late. She has so much to repent of.
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Very sad, isn’t it, that they live the way they do? It’s such a waste in so many ways. It’s my family dynamic too & it saddens me for everyone involved. I pray both of our families wake up someday & make appropriate changes. Long shot I know, but with God all things are possible.
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My siblings are like this, too. Total denial.
My youngest sibling was born after I was married and pregnant with my first child. So the worst abuses of my childhood happened years before she even existed. But she “knows” that everything I have written about my childhood is a “lie”. “Our mother may be weird,” she says, “but she never could have done THAT.”
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Wow.. your sister’s world is a happy little place isn’t it?
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Lol!
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I’ve found the greatest frustration in speaking about the abuse my mother inflicted on me is an unwillingness to look beyond personal experience. Some people who haven’t been abused by my mother simply can’t accept even the possibility that she hurt me, because their own experience with her has convinced them that she is incapable of it. It isn’t exactly that they consider me a liar; they’re more likely to think that it couldn’t have been as bad as I said or that it’s just normal mother-daughter conflict. I often wonder how they’d react if I was able to produce video of my interactions with her, especially when she was insulting and criticizing them and their spouses and children, calling them names, and boasting about how she’d made trouble for them with others.
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The old “she’s too nice! She couldn’t do that!” kinda thing, huh? It’s incredibly frustrating! They’re such great actors & so few people want to be “bothered” with things like this, so it’s no wonder it happens so often, sadly.
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I’ve always said my mother missed her calling. She could have been a great actress.
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I’ve said similar about mine- she could win an Oscar for some of her performances.
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I have in the past considered getting a voice recorder, hiding it in my purse, and then having a one-on-one conversation with my mother. But it never seemed worth all the bother, because flying monkeys can always find a way to twist the truth.
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I can’t believe you said that! I thought of the same thing with my mother in-law, because hubby didn’t believe me about how cruel she was. I didn’t though, because like you I figured he’d find a way to twist the truth. (eventually he did see the truth about her, by the way)
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