Have you ever wondered why people so incredibly self centered as narcissists have children? I have. God showed me a couple of reasons why my parents had me, but I’ve also wondered about narcissists in general, not only my parents, have kids. I think I have figured out some of their “logic”, if you can call it that.
The narcissist who was abused or neglected as a child often has a root of shame, I believe, which is why they work so hard to convince people they are so wonderful, amazing, etc. They’re also trying to convince themselves that they are so wonderful, amazing, etc. By becoming a parent, this proves to themselves & everyone else that someone found them desirable. Someone took this big step with them, so they must be pretty fantastic, right?!
If the narcissist grew up feeling or being told she was abnormal somehow, having a child can be a way to prove to the world that she is normal. Having children is a perfectly normal step for many people, so if she can have a child, it proves to her & other people that she must be normal.
Children are also made to make their narcissistic parent look good, & we know all narcissists are obsessed with appearances. If the narcissistic parent can mold their child into whatever she wants the child to be, that parent can then take credit for the child’s talents, successes, good looks or anything. And, if this child is perfect, he or she will prove to the narcissistic parent that her abusive parents were wrong about her, that she really isn’t bad or unlovable as her parents told her she was.
This “perfect” child also can gain the narcissistic parent attention for being such a wonderful parent as to raise this perfect little human being. People notice exceptional children, so as long as this child is perfect, the narcissistic parent will lap up all of the praise & admiration she receives for her amazing parenting skills. What the narcissistic parent fails to realize is that no child is perfect, & expecting the child to be is putting a tremendous amount of pressure on the child. Trying to meet impossibly high standards creates a great amount of anxiety in anyone, but especially a child who just wants his or her parent’s love.
Often, if two narcissists have children together, one will take the main role in raising the child. That parent gets to enjoy being in control in this capacity as well as looking self-sacrificing & martyr like by doing everything all by herself with virtually no help from the other parent.
Because children need their parents, this also feeds the narcissistic parent’s narcissism. They rely on their child’s dependency because it makes them feel valuable & good to be needed. They don’t take into consideration that at some point, that child is going to grow up & move on. It’s as if that thought isn’t even a possibility to the narcissistic parent, so when that happens, they feel betrayed by their child. How dare that child do something normal by growing up! Doesn’t the child know that their role is to stay a child as long as the parent wants?!
Some parents also have children because they foolishly believe that will repair their relationship or force the partner to stay with them so they can raise the child together. They mistakenly believe that if they have a child together, their partner will start treating them right or love them more, when nothing could be further from the truth.
Along those lines, the narcissist who was abused as a child may think that having a baby will fix her relationship with her abusive parents. She may think no grandparent couldn’t love their grandchild, so if she gives her parents a grandchild, she finally may have her parents’ love.
There are countless reasons people want to start a family, but when it comes to narcissists, you can be sure all of their reasons will be unhealthy. They will be entirely self-serving to the narcissist, & the child will suffer because of it.
2 responses to “Why Do Narcissists Have Children?”
You made a lot of good points here, Cynthia.
When I was sixteen years old, my doctor told me that he could not understand why my mother had seven children, “when she does not have a maternal bone in her body!”
My doctor also told me that he had spoken at length with all of the adults in my family: my mother, my father, and both sets of my grandparents. “I have never met a more self-centered, hardhearted, and unloving bunch of people,” he said. “There is no doubt in my mind that your family is the reason you got sick. I don’t know how you can even be related to them, you are nothing like your relatives. My advice to you is to get as far away from your family as you possibly can, as soon as you can, and never go back! ”
This conversation took place in 1969, almost half a century ago. He did not use the words “no contact” and “narcissists,” but that is exactly what he was saying . I should have listened to him, and gone no contact long before I finally did. But I was a kid and I wanted a family. So I kept going back to that dry well, looking for love that will never be there.
I believe I know why my mother had so many children. She loved the attention she got when she was pregnant. Because I was an only child until the year I turned seven, I saw this firsthand, the way she reveled in being babied and waited on hand and foot during her many pregnancies, and during the recovery time afterward. Plus, being a natural born dictator, she loved having a bunch of dependent little people to lord it over.
My mother told her friends that the reason she had so many pregnancies was because she could not take the pill, so she had to use a diaphragm or a condom, and she was just so very lusty that she kept getting carried away and could not stop in time to use any birth control. According to my mother, she never wanted more than two children, all the rest were “accidents.”
Do I believe that? NO. Why did she say that? Because she hated feeling like she was judged for having too many kids, so she came up with a lie that made her look like a sex siren femme fatale.
It was always all about appearances, don’t you know.
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Your mother is quite the piece of work. Wow. Amazing how they can invent a story for any situation that makes them look good, isn’t it??
Your doctor sounds like a wise man. He may not have known about NPD, but he knew they were wrong & you shouldn’t have to put up with all of that abuse. Sure beats so many people & “that’s your family- you must love them no matter what!” mentality.
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