I never, ever want to come across as someone who trashes other authors, especially those who write about the same topics I do. I realize we all have our different views even on the same topic, & honestly, I think that’s pretty cool! Different people can have different ideas & views, so I think it’s great when a person finds an author they can relate to, even if it’s not me. The most important thing is that people find the help they need.
That being said..
Recently I was scrolling Facebook & saw a meme from one blogger with whom I’ve had issues. We were friends on Facebook several years ago, & followed each other’s blogs. A couple of months into our new friendship, I began to see some signs of narcissism. I hoped I was just being paranoid, but I kept looking for whatever the truth was. Then one day, her mask came off. She disagreed with something I said in a blog post & proceeded to tell me how wrong I was. Some of my regular readers disagreed with her & told her that. She then blocked & unfriended me. Mind you, I wasn’t even online at the time & didn’t know this was happening until hours later.. yet, she still was mad at & blamed me.
This, Dear Readers, is why I try to remind you fairly often not to blindly follow or believe in anyone, not even me. Not that I don’t appreciate having fans. I really do appreciate every single one of you. The truth is though that we all are imperfect. We may share something we honestly think is true only to find out later it isn’t. Or, we may share some advice that helped us but it may not help you simply because of the differences in our personalities.
Plus, there are some who write about narcissism that are narcissists. I admit, I haven’t seen that often, but I have seen it, such as in the story I told earlier. Narcissists are attracted to helping professions such as police, teachers, pastors, therapists & more. It makes sense they would want to write to reach others & manipulate them that way. There’s also the admiration factor. If someone has been helped by something you wrote, that person is going to admire you. That is a nice ego boost to anyone, but it’s huge narcissistic supply to a narcissist.
If you start to follow someone on social media or a blog who writes about narcissism, there are some red flags to narcissism to look for.
How does the person interact with his or her readers? The blogger I mentioned? Her followers had almost a cult/cult leader relationship with her. Regulars never disagreed with her. If a new follower dared to disagree, the regular followers got angry with the one who disagreed. She would diffuse the situation eventually, but came across smug when she did, saying things like that person just doesn’t know any better because they haven’t been through what she (the blogger) has. The person who disagreed would disappear quickly.
Another red flag is does the person constantly brag, even in a subtle way. The blogger I mentioned did that constantly. She mentioned on a regular basis how many people looked to her for advice, including mental health professionals (she wasn’t one, just FYI).
An attitude of superiority with readers is not good either. Granted, most of us who have been writing about NPD have been doing so for a long time & know a lot. That being said though, we don’t know everything, & if we’re smart, we’re well aware of that! Also, watch how this person answers questions. A narcissist will act like the question is stupid, or she is too good to have time to respond to such a question, whereas the average person won’t act that way.
This blogger also only shared memes that she made of things she has said or articles she has written. That was a big red flag, because I’ve never seen that with any other blogger or author. Most want to help people, & will share helpful memes & articles often, no matter who has written them.
Unfortunately, it’s impossible to avoid narcissists entirely. At least you can be aware of the subtle signs of narcissism people exhibit online so you know who you need to avoid.
Cynthia Bailey-Rug, Christian Author 
I had a very difficult relationship with someone on WordPress a while back who took exception with me when she tried to promote my blog in an very over the top way. It got so nasty in the end from her side when I didn’t show the expected appreciation. It taught me a lesson. By far many people are really great and never try to one up or one down others, but we do need to be aware.
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Wow.. I’m sorry you experienced that!
That is absolutely true- we do need to be aware. Thankfully most folks aren’t like the ones you & I dealt with, but even so, some are & we need to be on guard against them.
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This is a very valid point. The internet is the perfect platform for narcissists to gather narcissistic supply and we must take everything we read with a pinch of salt. That said, there are many bloggers who are genuine and share their experience to help others.
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Absolutely true & very well said!
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Since going NC I find that I’m much more alert to narcissistic traits in others. Anyone can have a bad day, or the occasional lapse in good behavior (including me). But when someone is consistently abusive it sends up red flags and I avoid them. I’ve already wasted too many years on people who hurt me.
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AMEN to that!!!!
Funny you say this at this time since I was thinking the same a few minutes ago. We’re having some trees trimmed & cut down soon. One oak tree is kinda on the property line between us & this older lady next door I just can’t stand, but it’s more towards her home. Eric spoke with her yesterday about how the tree guys will need to get onto her property to prune that oak. He said she told him it’s about time WE prune it since it’s hanging over her house. A fire lit in me. I’ve had issues with her since 2012 though & this didn’t help. Then, after a nasty storm & our power had been out for 5 days in 100* temperatures, she knocked on my door. Her daughter’s little dog she was babysitting got off the leash & she couldn’t catch the dog. I tried but had heat exhaustion so I was struggling. As I got the dog’s collar & leash back on her, this woman said, “Your husband would’ve had this done by now.” I was dangerously close to letting the dog go run into traffic at that comment but didn’t because I love animals. Anyway after Eric told me about the tree comment, my thought was “freakin entitled narcissist!!” Even Eric said, “Yea, her comment took me aback.. she’s very entitled.” I was done with her in 2012 after the dog incident, but even he is now. Her son, fine- he’s a nice guy- her though? Nope…door slam time. I’ve wasted more than enough time on people like her.
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I’m pretty sure I have come across that same person. I had a feeling, it just wasn’t adding up. I prefer to keep the blogging real. There is so much potential for truly supportive communities here!
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I wouldn’t be surprised if you have. She’s quite well known.
Absolutely agree with you about keeping it real. It helps people so much more when you admit your struggles & failings. If you come across as so high & mighty, people feel like failures for not being as “good” or as “healed” as you are rather than find help & support in your writing.
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I read this post this morning and liked it so much, I saved it in my favorites on my tablet so I could easily read it again.
Over the years, I have seen the behavior you are describing, in several bloggers. I can think of six off the top of my head. And they were all blogging about narcissistic abuse. It was a terrible shock to me, at first! But I have learned to just head in the opposite direction now when I see someone behaving like that. There are too many terrific blogs — like yours, Cynthia — for me to waste my time on the nonsense.
I’ve had a rough few days because of a major gaslighting attack from the worst malignant narcissist in my life. Yeah, I was stupid, after years of peaceful no contact, I reached out to my mother, hoping things would be better. Yeah, right. Stupid.
I am so grateful that your blog is here, Cynthia. Reading your words, and watching your videos, makes me feel not quite so wounded.
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You’re so sweet.. thank you for all you said! I truly appreciate it! ❤
Good grief.. 6?!?! That is insane! You did the right thing. It's just best to avoid these people. After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, who needs to add to it?!
You weren't stupid reaching out to your mom! She's your mom- it's natural to want to reach out & hope she changed! Think of it as a learning experience, not being stupid, because that is all it was. I'm sorry she was so cruel to you. If you want to talk, please feel free to email me at CynthiaBaileyRug@aol.com or you can also join my facebook group, Fans Of Cynthia Bailey-Rug. The group is a very supportive environment, & we also have some laughs & talk about things other than narcissistic abuse to keep it a healthy environment. Hugs to you!!
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Yes, I agree, 6 bloggers posting about narcissistic abuse, who seem narcissistic themselves, is a lot! One of them is now deceased, so that leaves 5 I am aware of. I think a couple of them may have stopped blogging, although I am not sure, I don’t go looking for updates on these people, I just sometimes come across things in blog comments. And the way I found out about the deceased blogger is because another blogger, who had also been a target of his, sent me an email about it. I felt sad for the guy, honestly. He had plenty of reasons for having so many issues.
I have been searching out and following blogs about narcissistic abuse since 2009, when I first discovered both blogs, and the definition of narcissism. So I have come across a lot of different bloggers. Also, I believe that I see the narcissism more quickly than most would, because my abuse history is so extreme. I quivkly found that when I would share about the fact that my dad was arrested for trying to murder my mother, then he was hospitalized and diagnosed with furst schizophrenia, then with multiple personality disorder, and in the meanwhile my deeply traumatized and equally disordered mother tried to solve all her problems by gassing herself and her five children to death — this was before she remarried and had two more children — when I share my childhood reality on a blog where the admin is getting off on being the most pitiful pearl in the oyster bed, the reception my TRUE story gets is…. really very terrible. I have literally been immediately blocked from a site, just for sharing my story of abuse. I have been openly accused of making things up to get attention.
But… I know that there are many adult children of narcissists, psychopaths, and what have you, with trauma histories far worse than mine! Look at the 13 Turpin children, and so many others that have been in the news lately. Their childhood was far worse than mine, yet that does not negate mine, or anyone else’s trauma and abuse. My dad, for example, “only” tried to fondle my bare breast one time, when I was 13, and I fought him off, so he never tried that again. Because by then, after his arrest for attempted murder and his extensive stay in the psych ward, I knew I did not have to blindly submit to my father anymore. But so many other children did not know they could say NO to their incestuous pedophile dad, uncle, grandfather, older brother, etc, and as a result they were repeatedly raped throughout childhood. That was way worse than my abusive childhood! But again, it does not negate my deeply painful, crazy making experiences!
Honestly, to me, the most painful abuse in my life by far, the thing that has caused me the most psychological damage, is being rejected, shamed, shunned, unwanted, feeling totally unloved, put down for every little thing, being made to feel like it was a mistake that I was even born, and being lied about, lied about, lied about — my ,parents’ way of “justifying” their abuse and rejection of me.
In short, not being loved, cherished, wanted by my family of origin, hurts worse than anything. Never being given the benefit of the doubt. Always being blamed, at fault, the scapegoat. These things hurt worse, and the damage caused by these things last the longest, far more so than an over-the-top homicidal incident that happens one night, or three nights, and then life is mostly “normal” again. Because when your mother’s words and actions, day in and day out, clearly indicate that she does not love or like you, that makes you think “something is wrong with ME.” But when an insane parent tries to gas the whole family to death, horrific as that is, even a 12 year old, like I was at the time, KNOWS the problem isn’t her, the problem is that Mom is Crazy!
Thank you so so much for your email address. I will hang on to it, and use it, but not abuse it, lol. Here is my email: LadyQuixote@live.com (I am not on FB however, because years ago I was on there and loving it, until my family of origin began to discover FB. Then I was gaslighted and scapegoated and bullied right on my own wall. Linda Lee is a pen name, tho, so maybe someday I will sign up using that name. But not yet, just the site of the FB logo gives me shivers!)
God bless, you are awesome sauce!
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Six really is a lot. It’s so disturbing! You truly have to be careful who you follow & whose work you read on this topic.
You’ve been at this a long time! No wonder you spot narcissists so easily too- not just your experiences but how long you’ve been reading blogs on the topic. It’s a strange thing when you first learn about NPD isn’t it? I felt I must be paranoid since I was seeing narcissists everywhere. Took time to realize they really are everywhere! Now at least I slow down before jumping to that conclusion so I don’t feel so paranoid.
That’s pretty pathetic I think, people would shun & shame you for your story. That is the absolute LAST thing you need after going through all of that! I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through! Your story is just heartbreaking!
That is so true.. the lack of love & healthy connection to your parents is really devastating. Some who know my story think my mother throwing me into a wall was the worst of it. nope- that was one time & although it caused me problems for 10 years, wasn’t the worst of the abuse. Her constant screaming at me, criticizing, mocking, blaming, etc etc was much worse. Not having a good & loving foundation from your parents is something that affects you your entire life, like it or not.
You’re welcome! I don’t like offering to talk to a lot of people because I’m sure you know how it is- they’d be flocking to me demanding my help & advice. Uh, no.. I can’t manage that. But we’ve gotten to know each other on here & I trust you not to be so demanding. I added your email to my contacts. Thank you!
Wow.. I’m sorry about that with facebook! It really can be a favorite weapon of narcissists! Ridiculous.. it should just be a nice place to keep in touch with friends. I understand though.. my family used it a lot when my father was dying last October. One cousin even used her dead mom’s account to message me since I blocked her. That was an interesting moment, seeing my dead aunt had sent me a message.. lol
LOL Awesomesauce?! lol Thank you! God bless you too!
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I was thinking more about our conversation here and I thought it might be a good idea to mention that, of the 6 bloggers I have come across who blog extensively about narcissistic abuse and yet seem to have a lot of narcissistic traits themselves, only one is blogging here on WordPress. That’s not to say there aren’t any other narcissistic WP bloggers, but only one that I have come across. The rest all blogged elsewhere, on Google blogspot sites, or on a Facebook page, back when I was on FB. And, as I said, one of those is sadly deceased now, and a couple of the others I believe stopped blogging years ago.
It is very important to be careful and aware. We survivors of N drama don’t need any more of that! But I don’t want to be all paranoid, expecting the worst from others either, you know? For the most part, nearly all of the bloggers I have interacted with in the 9+ years since I first discovered blogs and narcissism, have been super awesome people.
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So true & well said!!
We can’t be looking for narcissists around every turn. It’s no way to live. I’ve ask God to help me see the real in people. I look for evidence of anything, good or bad, when I first meet people. He’s helped me to spot signs fast of what they’re like, good or bad.
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Yeah, I saw some of what Linda Lee went through with those bloggers. 😛 One of the popular ones even threatened me out of the blue with legal action one day. I’d been promoting her blog on mine for years (for which she threatened me), but after that, I took down every mention of her, and stay away from her blog. This same blogger also went after another blogger, with the help of the rest of the group. And I used to go to that group for information and support in the early days of getting over an abusive friendship. 😛 I did get the impression that the group was very cliquish, that if your narc relationship was anything other than from your family, that you “chose” it and didn’t deserve support.
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Good night! That is awful! I’m so sorry you went through that! I wonder if it’s the same person I had my bad experiences with. Your “cliquish” comment sounds way too familiar. I thought of mine as more of a cult of sorts, but basically the same thing. I don’t understand why people don’t question things more. No one knows everything & we’re all just people so we make mistakes. No one person should be the recipient of blind devotion, yanno?
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Yep! I wonder the same thing. Of course, there are so many narc bloggers that it’s hard to be sure without naming names, and I don’t want to do that on the Net.
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So very true! Way too many narc bloggers, sadly.
I agree too- I don’t want to name names. You never know if people would try to sue for libel so it’s best to err on the side of caution.
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Eek, perfectionist grammar kook that I am, I should have proofread my comment BEFORE I hit send, not AFTER, lol!
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LOL!!! No worries! Your message made total sense & I’m not grading you on it! 🙂
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Pingback: About Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse | CynthiaBaileyRug
I mostly connected with the part about how the person writing responds to the readers. An off putting, highbrow behaviour is always a sign to watch out. But, alas, there are people who find this kind of patronising style of response charming!
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I agree- that is a sign to watch for.
Well, if they can stomach that patronizing, more power to them I suppose.. lol It grates my last nerve but not everyone is like that.
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