The Consummate Victim

Some covert narcissists are what I think of as the consummate victim.  They are the ones who are always wronged, always the victim, & never at fault for anything.  Some examples of their behavior are as follows.


The narcissist says something cruel.  You get angry, & rightfully so.  She claims she never meant to hurt your feelings.  She was just trying to help & had no idea what she said would upset you.  She then stops speaking to you for weeks, even if you apologized.


The narcissist tries to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.  Naturally, you refuse to do it.  She claims you don’t love her.  How could you refuse to do this one little thing for her, especially after all she’s done for you?!


The narcissist is your elderly parent who expects you to come at their beck & call.  You tell your parent you only are available one day a week to do what she needs.  She tells your family how you refused to help her, & they attack you for being a bad daughter, ungrateful, a spoiled brat & more.


Narcissists who claim life is so unfair to them or that they are mistreated when people confront them on their abusive behavior are also consummate victims.  There are also those who blame their victims for their abusive behavior.  They are also consummate victims, as are those who complain about their problems, yet refuse to do something to change the situation.


Dealing with these people is incredibly frustrating, I know.  My late father & late mother in-law were both covert narcissists & consummate victims.  I repeatedly asked my father not to call after 9 at night.  When I refused to take his call when he called at 10 one evening, he called my in-laws & a cousin who lives almost 500 miles away.  He told both he was so concerned about me for not answering the phone, & asked them to have me call him immediately.  Another time, I was angry with my mother in-law because she had snooped through my purse yet again.  She asked my husband why I was angry, & he told her.  I overheard the conversation.  She claimed not to know what she did would be upsetting to me.


Both situations were similar.  As a result of my father’s & mother in-law’s actions, my husband & I got into an argument about his mother & my cousin & I argued about my father.  Being the typical consummate victims, their obnoxious behavior caused problems for the real victim while making themselves look good.


There are some things that you can do that can help you if you must deal with this behavior in covert narcissists.


Always rely on God to help you in this situation. He will be glad to help you discern the truth & strengthen you to do whatever you need to do!


Remember the type of person that you’re dealing with.  No matter what you do, this person will twist the situation around to make you look bad & them look like the innocent victim of your cruelty.  Expect nothing else because this person has no desire to behave any other way.


Also remember that there is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries or confronting this person on their abusive behavior.  Both of those are good things to do.  They are healthy & show you have self respect.


Consummate victims are very skilled at recruiting flying monkeys.  When you set those boundaries or confront the narcissist about her behavior, no matter how gently & reasonably you do so, it’s a safe bet someone will tell you how cruel, unreasonable, wrong, etc. you are.  When this happens, ignore whatever these flying monkeys have to say.  They don’t know the truth, only what the narcissist has told them.  Also, it’s best to refuse to discuss the narcissist with them.


Lastly, it’s also important to remember that consummate victims may project their status on their real victims.  It can be easy to believe their lies since narcissists are talented actors who give very convincing performances.  To avoid believing their lies, remember that you are NOT a consummate victim if you are angry about being abused, setting healthy boundaries or refusing to be manipulated.


If you are faced with a covert narcissist who portrays herself as a consummate victim, you can cope.  You have the knowledge & strength to handle this ugly situation.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

4 responses to “The Consummate Victim

  1. Heyoka Muse

    I like when they say I am sorry you feel that way when you call them out on their bad behavior….

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My mothers marriage was a nightmare. She truly was abused by my MNF (and so were her children) and had a very unhappy life. I can understand why she wouldn’t leave him when we were young and couldn’t provide for ourselves. But when my youngest sibling left the nest she could have divorced my father. She was still working then and her name was on the deed to the house so she could have gotten a court order to force him to sell or buy her out. She could have been free. My sister was even willing to alter her home so that our mother could live with her. Instead she chose to remain with him even though he never stopped his verbal and emotional abuse. I realized years later what an advantage abuse is for the covert N. She could use her sorry state (self-imposed) as an abused wife to get sympathy and attention. She’d call us and cry about his cruelty, but never wanted to accept our advice to get out. It made us miserable. After one of her many phone calls to complain about his latest cruelty she’d feel better but we’d be emotionally drained and sad. She’d gotten her supply of sympathy and attention and never stopped to think about the harm she’d done to us. She was also a consummate master of the use of flying monkeys. If I ever did or said anything to displease her or refused to do what she wanted she would call my siblings, and later my in-laws, and complain about me. And they all took her side without even attempting to ask for my side of the disagreement. It sill goes on but not as often since I went NC. To this day she still uses the poor me routine to get what she wants and doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. She will probably claim and use victimhood until the day she dies. It’s so much easier to get what you need from others when everyone sees you as a poor, pitiful old lady. But her legacy will be a family torn apart by her narcissism.


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