November 28, 1990 Was A Day I Never Will Forget.. Even Though I’d Like To

This day is a difficult one for me.  On November 28, 1990, my mother physically assaulted me.

It was the day before Thanksgiving.  I got home from work & as soon as I walked through the door, I could tell my mother was itching for a fight.  No idea why.  My father could see it too, so he quickly said he got a new model airplane & wanted me to see it (we shared a love of models).  I practically ran downstairs.  I knew it was best never to give in when she was in that mood, so I was grateful for the means of escape.

We were downstairs for a few minutes when my mother stood at the top of the steps, yelling at me.  I’m not proud of it, but I finally had enough when she called my car “a hunk of junk” or something like that.  I snapped & cussed her out.  It just happened.  I don’t think the words went near my brain – they just came out.  This enraged her, & she started yelling at my father.  “Did you hear what she just said to me!?  Are you going to let her get away with that?!”  My father quietly went upstairs, & left the house while my mother raged at him.

Meanwhile, I went into my room to grab my keys & purse so I could do the same.  As I walked back down the hall to get to the door, my mother stepped in my path.  She told me she wasn’t going to let me leave.  I told her get out of my way before I make you do it.  She blocked the doorway by putting her hands & feet against it.  I pushed her aside (not knocking her down, just knocking her a bit off balance so I could rush past her).  I ran to grab my shoes & by then she was steady on her feet again.  Before I knew it, she was in my face, & slammed me into the wall beside the front door, & held me there.  My head was the only part I could move.

Two things went through my mind at that moment…

 

  1. The pain was intense as my back popped from my tailbone to my neck.  It was this incredibly loud POPPOPPOPPOP sound that felt like it went on forever.
  2. My mother’s eyes had turned BLACK.  Jet black!  I’d seen that before & it always terrified me.

 

Suddenly I blacked out, I assume from the intense pain & fear.  When I came to a moment later, I was biting her on the arm.  She & I were both shocked at what I had done.  My shock wore off a bit faster than hers, so I ran out the door & to my car & sped off in a cloud of tire smoke.

I believe my mother wanted to kill me, & if I wouldn’t have blacked out like that, she probably would have succeeded.

Interestingly, I caught up to my father at a traffic light.  We pulled over & I told him what happened.  We then went to my now ex husband’s parents’ home since it was nearby.  My father later went to his parents’ home in Virginia.  I moved in with a friend’s parents that night, & got my things from my parents’ home a couple of days later.

Naturally, my mother never accepted any responsibility in this.  In fact, when I had to quit working a few months later, she told people I was just lazy & faking back problems to get out of working.  And, in 2014, my father mentioned this incident..  He told me it’s ok, I didn’t have to apologize for busting up his wall.  How kind, right?!  I never even thought of how the wall was damaged, but he said it was really bad.  He fixed it though, so I didn’t need to apologize.  I told him I had no plans on doing so!  Not my fault my mother broke it by slamming me into it!

This incident along with having extremely selfish in-laws who have demanded my husband & I spend the day with them no matter what (I spent it alone when I refused to go) is why I absolutely hate Thanksgiving.  Kinda hard to feel warm & fuzzy about the day when  there are memories like this assault & years of jerky acting in-laws associated with it.

I honestly thought I was ok with this incident.  (Well, as ok as one can be when they think about their mother trying to kill them & father abandoning them to an obviously raging lunatic.)  What makes it even harder, I think, is this year, the dates have fallen on the exact days they fell on in 1990, so in some weird way, I almost feel like I’m reliving that time of my life.  I feel some of the same shock & anger I felt when it happened, just to a much lesser degree.  I feel disappointment too.  In my father for abandoning me that night, in my ex for making it all about how he felt about the incident & not caring about my pain (I think he even spent Thanksgiving with his family out of state the following day, if memory serves correctly), & my friend’s father who found it hilarious I bit my mother. I’m even disappointed in my mother for not only attacking me but using it as one more weapon to trash me to other people then expecting me to act like it never happened.  I’m also disappointed in myself for failing to press charges against my mother.  The thought never crossed my mind until not long ago when I friend mentioned it.

I’m also less than thrilled that thinking about this has made my C-PTSD flare up.  Hardly surprising though.  So if there are spelling or grammar errors in here, please pardon me.  I tried to catch them all a couple of days after writing this, but it doesn’t always happen with flare ups.

I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this as a blog post.  I do promise to keep my writing real but even so, this isn’t like me.  Usually things like this I write in my journal, maybe sharing details later once I have had some time to come to terms with whatever the trauma was.  For some reason though, I felt I needed to write this in my blog instead. Maybe someone who reads my blog needs to see this.  If that describes you, Dear Reader, I really hope this post helps you somehow.  ❤

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30 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Narcissism

30 responses to “November 28, 1990 Was A Day I Never Will Forget.. Even Though I’d Like To

  1. What your mother did was horrible. It was attempted murder, or at the very least, assault. And on top of that the people who should have supported you didn’t take it seriously. It’s no wonder that you are still affected by this. The physical and emotional aftermath of such an event is not easily overcome. I’m so sorry, Cynthia, for your suffering, and I will pray that God comforts you and helps you to process this so that it won’t continue to cause you pain.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for your prayers & validation. ❤

      I did find out much later that there were two people who cared- my paternal grandparents. One of my cousins was there at the time & told me a story. My mother called them looking for my father. My grandmother answered the phone & when she heard my mother's voice, just handed the phone to Granddad. His end of the conversation went something like, "Yes, he's here & no you can't speak to him. And if you ever lay a hand on my granddaughter again I'll come up there & f*****g kill you myself." He never used the F word & was the type to follow through on a threat, which is probably why my mother never laid a hand on me again. Anyway I'm grateful for that since no one else cared. Ice where their hearts should be, I suppose.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Claire

    Sorry this happened to you, it is so horrible. I can relate so much to everything you share and I am so grateful to have found you.
    When I was a teenager my mother slammed me so hard into a wall that it actually knocked her prized Hummel figurine of the virgin Mary holding baby Jesus out of the bookcase from the other side of the wall.
    The virgin Mary’s head broke off. Of course she screamed and cried, “Look what you did !”
    How ironic mother and child figurine broken on the floor. I always saw it as God sending her a message at what a horrible destructive mother she was.
    I could see the fear in her eyes when the symbol of holy love and motherhood crashed on the floor.
    I was raised Catholic and could not understand why I was terrified of Mother Mary even as a small child, until I learned I was projecting my own mother onto her. I pray God will heal us from our deep mother wounds.
    I often wonder what my life could of been like if only I knew a mothers love. I cant help but feel empty when I see people with true loving moms. I’m happy and amazed for them but it is so foreign for me to know what that must feel like to be wanted and liked by your mother.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hi Claire! Thank you for your kind words. ❤

      I'm so sorry you've been through this too! How horrible your mother assaulted you like that & blamed you for breaking her figurine! They truly never take any responsibility for anything, do they?? My mother is the same with her "Look what you did!" attitude. It's repulsive.

      That is no doubt exactly why Mary frightened you so much. So many who were abused have trouble trusting God because of their abusive fathers. Seems natural you'd have the same reaction to Mary because of your mother.

      I feel the same way when I see loving mothers & daughters. It's so strange!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m glad that your grandparents did that. Abuse victims don’t usually have anyone in their life who will defend them. Your grandfathers intervention and warning to your mother may have saved your life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • So very true.. abuse victims are usually victimized by the extended family when they tell the truth about their abusive parents. I thank God for my grandparents being in my corner. They truly didn’t know much because if they had, no doubt they would’ve done more to protect me. I later told Granddad some & my word, was he livid. He also lost respect for my father, I think, for failing to protect me. Suddenly he was kinda cold towards him where they always had been very close.

      I think that too, that Granddad saved my life. ❤ I sure wish I'd been able to thank him for that.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. On top of the emotional and physical harm abuse causes we must also deal with spiritual harm. The family was instituted by God to model His love and care for His children. But children raised by a narcissistic parent don’t grow up with the accurate portrayal of God that parents are supposed to model. For decades I thought that God couldn’t possibly love me, that He only tolerated me, that He was unlikely to grant my petitions for things I needed, and was always disappointed in how I lived my life. Eventually I came to see that it wasn’t God who believed that of me but my earthly parents, and that they were wrong. I learned that God both loves and likes me and wants to provide for my needs. But those intervening years when I had such inaccurate beliefs about how God sees me did much to hinder my spiritual development.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you so much for posting this, what your mother did was horrible, not something one should ever have to go through. My Ex did this same thing to my son, in which now we are no longer together, the court system wouldn’t do anything since he did not have anything broke. although I still left, knowing it would only get worse. My family most made judgements and told me I was over reacting. I know from the bottom of my heart I was not and I would not sit around and wait for it to get worse he was getting worse by the week. It made it harder to fight in court since we didn’t have police reports but I know I did the right thing and to teach my children wrong is wrong. I would not allow him to live in a home he feared his father. There have been struggles but we have made it through and I don’t regret the decision I made. It was hardest thing I ever did. leaving my life but I am stronger and hopefully teaching my kids!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ok, I have to ask.. how were you overreacting?! When someone assaults you, you shouldn’t just sit back & take it! My word!

      Good for you, leaving your abusive ex! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • People see what they want and turn their heads when they don’t want to see the truth. Or offer a hand. The day I left, and weeks later I ended up cutting a lot of people out of my life. I struggled but I made it through. I still have a long way to go but I look back and see how far I have come and all I have conquered and smile. On bad days I take one step at a time. I continue to do all I can to help my children. My son does not go to his fathers however my daughter still has to 😦 since he didn’t do anything violent to her specifically. It tears me up each time I have to let her go with him. He says he has changed however the little amount of time I do have to deal with him says otherwise. I pray for strength for my little girl. I thank you so much for this post. I can’t explain why but I can tell you it is close to my heart. Thinking of you

        Liked by 2 people

        • So very true.. most people don’t want to get involved in abusive situations. Best to ignore it or shut the victim up somehow according to them.

          You absolutely should be proud of yourself for getting away & all you’ve accomplished!

          I’m sorry your daughter must still see her father. How old is she? Are you teaching her about narcissism & how to cope?

          Thank you for what you said. I felt so strange writing this post a few days ago. I really didn’t want to share this story yet, but somehow I knew God wanted me to share it. It’s always good finding out there was an excellent reason when this happens. It’s very encouraging for me 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

          • She is 10 yrs old and yes I have worked very hard and researched myself narcissism and try to help her and encourage her daily. I have found lots of stuff on adults years after and read her things they say that she can understand. It’s a little difficult in the now, not a lot out there. I do teach her what to expect and how best to cope and handle situations to keep her safe and have taught her a safety plan in the event she needs it. It is not easy but she is strong and has learned a lot from what we have found. She doesn’t want to go but she handles it well for a child. It hurts me to the core to send my innocent child over to be verbally hurt and emotionally torn to pieces.

            Liked by 3 people

  6. Val

    Dear Cynthia, you wrote this in your blog, hoping it would help or touch one of your readers. Well your writing touched n helped me, n probably others. Here’s why…I’m having a very hard time at this time of yeAr too. I didn’t see my mom, only brother, or Sil, or niece Our nephew. Just me, my kitty Mocha, n my fiancé Russ. C-PTSD. On thanksgiving morning last week, I woke up in the middle of a horrible nightmare thrashing my arms n screaming. Thank God Russ was here. In short my nightmare had 3 people in it: me, my mom n my deceased and so loved paternal grandma. Mom was between us trying to pull me outta grandmas arms n I wouldn’t let go. Grandma was my protector n I believe mom always was jealous of Grams n my very special relationship. I would’ve lived with gram full time if I could. Emotional, verbal, physical abuses were doled out by my mom b4 dad, trying to look the other way, n trying to protect me n needing to agree w his wife? Maybe. Anyway, you’re not alone Cynthia. Holidays are painful now, for me anyway. I cry especially at music at the drop of a hat. My fiancé Russ gets it to an extent. He wants a happy Xmas n I’m not sure I can pull that off. I was very quiet last week, cuz everything that came out was negative n he said I was making him depressed too.. You are not alone. I thank u for writing w such honesty about a life changing horrible sad experience . God holds us, he must. ❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻

    Valerie Landis, A.A.S., C.P.S.

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Valerie!

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! C-PTSD is terrible & the nightmares horrific. I hope somehow you can find some peace & joy in your life. Not easy with C-PTSD, I know, but with God all things are possible, right?

      Thank you for what you said about my post. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Cindy Cindy

    OMG,that’s awful! Don’t have regrets about not pressing charges ;remember God says vengence is mine,I will repay.So have peace now,a peace that surpasses all understanding 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. ibikenyc

    How brave of you to share this with all of us. Thank you.

    I did read and was deeply affected by it on the day it went live and tried many times to answer you but had no idea what to say.

    I still don’t, except that I’m so sorry you went through it. I am aching that this has to be part of your history and your Self. I can feel the horrible impotent rage engendered by their NEVER taking responsibility for what they’ve done, made even worse by knowing that your best response to it is no response, because any reaction is just gonna feed the bear and net you nothing but yet another smirky smile.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself about not pressing charges. FWIW, I wouldn’t have thought of that, either, and neither I bet would most of us from such dysfunctional backgrounds. It’s just another part of that conditioning that leaves us believing nobody cares about us and that we are worthless and that all the good stuff is for somebody else.

    In addition, at least in my neck of the woods, there is an excellent chance the police would have just essentially rolled their eyes at you / the situation, paid you some lip service, submitted the barest-necessary paperwork, and left you feeling even more shamed.

    Eerie that it fell on the same day this year. I’m sorry, too, that this is now what Thanksgiving means to you.

    Narcissistic Parenting: The Gift That Keeps On Taking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re so kind.. thank you so very much for all you said. ❤

      It's understandable you didn't know what to say. It was an outrageous event.. what can you say to that??

      So very true.. not only not accepting responsibility but knowing if I said anything, it'd make it worse is horrible. Might be worse than the pain I lived with for 10 years after this assault.

      That is an excellent point actually.. no doubt most victims wouldn't have thought of pressing charges. Also an excellent point about how the police would've reacted. I was 19 – no doubt it would've been treated like me being a rebellious teen giving her poor mother a hard time rather than attempted murder. Seemed at that time in my life everyone thought that was the situation, I was just being a rebellious teen.

      It is eerie about the date, isn't it? I know it happens periodically, but this year it hit like a freight train.

      That is the truth.. narcissistic parent is the gift that keeps on giving. Nice work, narcissistic parents!! BAH!

      Liked by 3 people

    • ibikenyc

      Edit: I meant POKE the bear; DUH!

      Like

  9. Pingback: Thoughts On Anger While Healing From Narcissistic Abuse | CynthiaBaileyRug

  10. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner, I had my own Thanksgiving CPTSD going on.

    I needed to read this, too. And the comments!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Sorry, yes, I am much more okay, than not. But the holiday season is a hard time of year for me, because this is the time of year when my mom tried to gas us all to death when I was 12. But, horrific as that was, the good news is that we did not die. I have had a lot of therapy and a lot of healing. So it does not hurt me nearly as much as it did in the past. But still.

        And being told by the surgeon, two days before Thanksgiving, that I have skin cancer and need to have surgery in the hospital on December 6, which is 2 days after tomorrow…. that had me very nervous for a few days! But wow, this past Sunday in church, it was like every word of the sermon was directed at me, reassuring me that God loves me and will see me through this, and He will give me joy and beauty from this pain. Even the words to the last song they sang, every single word was what I needed to hear! That song has been playing in my mind ever since Sunday!

        Best of all, after the service was over, a very young woman, she may be still a teenager, she came over to where I was sitting, introduced herself, and she nervously said “I..I think… I believe God is telling me to… to pray for you? Is… is there a special need that I can pray with you about?” She seemed so nervous, like she was afraid that I might think she was crazy. But like she just had to do it, because God wouldn’t let her not do it!

        I was so amazed! Early that morning before getting ready for church, I had gotten down on the floor literally on my face and cried out to God, asking Him to give me some kind of a sign to let me know that I really do belong to Him. Because I didn’t feel it, lately. Because where was the fruit of His Spirit in my heart? Instead of faith, peace, joy, and love in my heart, ever since being told that I have cancer again, I had been battling fear and anxiety instead of faith and peace, sadness instead of joy, and grumpiness instead of love! So I prayed that, even more than I want to be healed of cancer, even more than I want to get through the surgery and the dreaded anesthesia without another allergic reaction or another infection, Lord more than anything, I need to know that I am right with You.

        So when that young woman, Nina, told me so nervously that God had told her to walk over to me and pray for me, then I knew God was answering my prayer, showing me that yes, I still belong to Him!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay God!!!!

        Like you and some others said in these comments: when our own mother and/or father did not love us, we tend to think that God won’t love us, either. But He does!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m sure it is a very hard time of year for you! That sort of thing is impossible to get over entirely. I’m so sorry!

          For some reason I thought your surgery was later.. sorry about that! I’ll keep praying for you. ❤

          That is so wonderful about everything that happened at church, in particular with Nina! omgosh!! God is so very kind & loving, isn't He?! It struck me kinda funny you said that though.. about a week ago, I was having a terrible day. I spent it crying & whining & praying about a problem with my husband. No one knew of this. That afternoon, a dear friend sent me a text saying God loves me & with Him, all things are possible. I wrote back & asked why she sent that? She said she felt God wanted her to. I told her what I was dealing with & she said she'd ramp up praying for me & to remember this is nothing but Satan attacking my marriage. It was such an incredible event! Things like this are so comforting & encouraging aren't they?

          That is absolutely true too.. when our own parents don't love us, we doubt the love of God.

          Liked by 1 person

  11. Oops, in my previous comment I meant to say that my surgery is day after tomorrow, not two days after tomorrow!

    Here are the lyrics to the song we sang in church this past Sunday, that reminded me of how much God loves each one of His children, unlike some human parents that cannot love their kids at all. This is how God loves me — and YOU:

    Who am I that the highest King
    Would welcome me
    I was lost but He brought me in
    Oh His love for me
    Oh His love for me

    Who the Son sets free
    Oh is free indeed
    I’m a child of God
    Yes I am

    Free at last
    He has ransomed me
    His grace runs deep
    While I was a slave to sin
    Jesus died for me
    Yes He died for me

    Who the Son sets free
    Oh is free indeed
    I’m a child of God
    Yes I am
    In my Father’s house
    There’s a place for me
    I’m a child of God
    Yes I am

    I am chosen
    Not forsaken
    I am who You say I am
    You are for me
    Not against me
    I am who You say I am

    (The song title is: Who You Say I Am. Words and Music are by Ben Fielding & Reuben Morgan. Hillsong has a great live performance of this on YouTube, recorded earlier this year.)

    Like

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