Doubts After No Contact

I think it’s a very safe assumption that almost everyone who has gone no contact with a narcissist, in particular a narcissistic parent or other family member, has had more than their share of doubts.  Ending relationships is tough, but especially when the relationship is a close one such as in the case of family.

 

What makes the doubts worse is when after not speaking for some time, you learn through the grapevine that the narcissist is sick, lost their job, or going through some very difficult situation.  Considering this is someone you were once very close to, it’s only natural to want to help them & to feel bad they are in this situation.  Those desires may make start to override the terrible things that made you sever ties in the first place.

 

Today, I want to tell you.. DON’T DO IT!!

 

No, I don’t know you or the narcissist personally, but I do know a lot about narcissists & have more than a little experience with them.  I have learned that once you end a relationship with a narcissist, resuming it will only cause you heartache as it did me.

 

At first, the narcissist will behave, & probably even be respectful & caring.  This lulls you into thinking this person has changed.  All is right in the world now.  Yet, nothing could be further from the truth!

 

In time, little things will change.  Maybe a comment here or there about how you shouldn’t have left in the first place.  Or, instead of 10 complements a day, it’s dropped to 9 & a nasty criticism.  Everyone has a bad day sometimes, so you rationalize the comments as nothing more & let it go.  After all, things have been going so well.

 

Gradually more things change.  Things get worse.  There are more criticisms.  Now there are also some manipulation attempts too.  “I never did that.”  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  There are also guilt trips about you “abandoning” the narcissist in the first place.  They may even have their friends or family mention how hard it was for them when you weren’t in their life.  You begin to feel guilty for hurting the narcissist, so you go along with what they do.

 

Before you know it, the relationship is as bad, if not worse as it was before you went no contact in the first place.

 

Maybe you’re thinking this won’t happen to you but I can tell you, the chances of it happening to you are excellent.  I was fooled into thinking that myself in three very different relationships.

 

One was a friendship.  Upon meeting, she told me we were going to be best friends.  I was young, naive & knew nothing of narcissistic personality disorder, so I blindly obeyed, & became her good friend.  The friendship ended a couple of years later, then a couple of years after that, resumed.  At first, things were good.  We had a lot of laughs together.  Then things changed.  She constantly demanded my attention.  I spent a lot of time with her, no matter what I had going on.  She expected me to watch her small kids while with her too, which is something I’m not good at doing.  I ended that friendship again after about a year & a half.

 

One was my first marriage.  I broke my engagement to my ex husband because I realized I wasn’t happy with him.  While we were apart, he insisted we remain “friends.”  We spoke often & he told me how miserable he was.  Our mutual friends told me the same.  We got back together, & married a few months later.  I knew that although he was acting better, I shouldn’t marry him but I did.  He made me feel like I owed it to him.  In fact, when he proposed again, he said, “I’m not letting you go this time.”  We separated a bit over 4 years later.

 

The other one was my mother.  In 2001, I had enough, & finally cut ties with my mother.  In 2007, my father told me that she needed heart surgery.  I said I’d pray for her.  Once she got home, she called me to thank me for praying for her.  I honestly believed at that the change in her personality was from facing a near death experience.  The more time passed, the more she regressed into the abusive person she’d always been, which is why when I went no contact in 2016, I determined this time, it’s forever.

 

My stories are very typical, Dear Reader.  I told them because you need to know that if you have doubts about being no contact, they need to be ignored.  Take care of yourself.  Your mental health is very important!  Resuming a toxic relationship does no good to you or the toxic person in question.  It simply enables their awful behavior while you sacrifice yourself.  There is NOTHING good about that!

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10 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

10 responses to “Doubts After No Contact

  1. I haven’t resumed contact with any of the people who abused me. Partly that was because of what I’d learned from other survivors who’d resumed relationships with their abusers. But mostly I was just plain afraid of being hurt again. I had no reason to believe that any of them had changed, and without radical change on their parts I knew that the abuse would resume. Sometimes fear can be a good thing.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. This is extremely timely for me. So much of this rings true – the sudden change of heart after a traumatic experience, the blaming of me for making it so hard for him now that I’ve kicked him out of the house, because how can he prove his repentance if he’s not here in the house with us? I told him agreeing to leave without a fight would have been a good first step. Oops. He missed that one completely… So maybe the next step would be that he shows repentance rather than sorrow… Oh but he will be faithful to come over and mow the lawn…. Sigh.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I agree. I tried to resume contact with people who are toxic to me and it has always backfired. I tried to resume a relationship truly based on other people’s quiet judgment of me. I mean how many daughters don’t speak to their mothers. I’ve learned though. (The hard way) no more trying to please others .. no more trying to blend in to the “ norm”. I don’t speak or deal with my mother or my brother. That’s my choice. No one knows what has been done or my viewpoint of the situation. And in truth I owe no one a reason for my decisons. It’s just sometimes I would be nice if someone .. anyone would agree with me and support my decision to put me and my feelings above what people “ think is right to do”. Thank you for your post! It’s freeing💕

    Liked by 2 people

    • It can be so hard not to give in to that pressure! Not speaking to one’s own mother is so abnormal & people are so quick to judge, that makes it even harder. Pretty sure we’ve all been there.

      You’re right though. No one needs an explanation from you. It’s your life & you made good decisions in a bad situation.

      It would be nice to have that support I’m sure. Seems very hard to come by except from others who have been in similar situations. If it helps, I have no doubt you did the right thing! No one comes to the decision of going no contact without a great deal of pain behind it & serious consideration of the situation.

      Thank you for saying that about this post.. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

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