One topic that I haven’t seen a great deal of information on is anger after narcissistic abuse. It’s a pity too because most victims face a great deal of it, & rightly so!
Not long ago, as I was praying, God spoke to my heart & said that I have a lot of anger inside. He was not accusatory, simply stating a fact. He also said it’s time to face it.
I was less than thrilled with this. Like all other victims I have spoken with, anger was just one more facet of myself I ignored rather than face my mother’s ridicule or shaming for my terrible temper. It’s only in the last couple of years I’ve begun to recognize & face when I get angry, & it’s not fun! I’m still not used to it. Even so, God’s been helping me.
He showed me why this happens in victims, why so many of us stuff our anger. It isn’t only due to the ridicule & shaming from the narcissists. It’s also because in many cases, we had two narcissistic parents, & when the overt was abusive, the covert turned the situation around to him or her, & how painful it is for that parent. As children, we comfort that parent rather than face our anger regarding what was done to us.
There is also the fact that most narcissistic parents don’t give their children time to recover from one abusive incident before inflicting another. There simply isn’t time to process the anger! The victim is too busy trying to survive, so emotions get pushed aside so survival instincts can work. This becomes a habit, even into adulthood, & victims ignore their emotions without even realizing it.
Often, people don’t want to hear our stories. “It’s in the past” “Let it go” “Stop wallowing” “You need to forgive & forget!” & other callous phrases show victims it isn’t safe to talk about their experiences & emotions, so they continue ignoring their emotions.
We can’t forget the flying monkeys, either. Prior to learning about narcissism or in the very early stages of learning about it, it’s easy to buy into their nonsensical logic. “That’s your mother!” “You only get one set of parents!” “They won’t be around forever yanno!” Such gibberish can make a person feel guilty for their feelings, & resume the dysfunctional lifestyle that is so familiar.
While these situations are understandable, that doesn’t mean they need to be permanent! Dear Reader, maybe it’s your time to face your anger too!
I know facing anger is scary, especially when you haven’t done it before, but it is also necessary for your mental & physical health! Holding it in can cause all sorts of physical & mental problems such as high blood pressure, kidney problems, pains without a physical cause, depression & more. You deserve better than that, don’t you agree?
Once you decide to start facing it, pray. Let God help you through this difficult process. I found He guides me to what I need to face & only allows things in small doses. The anger isn’t overwhelming that way. I also talk to Him a lot about what I feel, which helps so much in getting it out of me.
Journaling about it is also very helpful! Seeing your story in writing can be shocking at first, but it also reminds you that yes, this happened, yes it was awful & no it was not something you deserved.
Talk to safe, non judgmental friends. They can be a gift from God! They’ll understand, support & validate you, all of which are so very important!
As you work through your anger, you may feel like suddenly you’re angry about all kinds of things that never bothered you before. I firmly believe this is normal. I believe facing the unfairness of the awful things done to you seems to make you more aware than you once were of just how many awful or even simply wrong things have been done to you. I don’t mean things like someone stealing your parking space. I mean things like how you are usually the one to compromise with your spouse. Maybe you’ve just always done it, but suddenly you’re seeing that isn’t right & your spouse could do some compromising too for a change. Just work through that anger like the rest, & have a talk with your spouse when you are able to do so calmly.
You can get through this ugly process, Dear Reader, & you will be so much better for doing so! You’ll feel freer & more peace & joy than ever. xoxo
11 responses to “Anger After Narcissistic Abuse”
Dear Cynthia, i am still dealing with anger, that crops up in me whenever people spout their pollyanna opinions about things they know nothing about / things that are none of their business to begin with. A lady left our church because at least one person sang-songed at her that “you must forgive” tune. And that stupid melody had in it, a slight tone of mocking. In church … what th’ firetruck?
I’m sorry… the anger can be hard to deal with but you can handle it! It’s ok to be angry too. Every victim of abuse has the right to feel that!
UGH! Some people are utterly clueless, aren’t they? I remember not long after becoming a Christian, calling a prayer line because I was angry. The woman actually said, “I don’t know what your problem is. God says forgive so I just do it.” That comment made me feel like a failure for so long. People who make such ridiculous comments need to stop. Try some empathy instead of stupid judgments!
I know,I have bad dreams sometimes,that I think are the result of this type of anger.Dreams where I’ve done awful things I would never do,then I hide and cover up what i’ve done,so that ppl only see the ‘real’ me,the one who would never do such things.I hope that makes sense.it’s the only reason I can think of for having these dreams
Repetitive dreams are definitely worth paying attention to though since they’re repeating for a reason! I used to dream constantly about having to repeat high school or having my car stolen/someone else driving it. The more I healed, the less frequent the dreams became & eventually stopped.
Thx,that helps.Hopefully they will stop soon
Hopefully so! Have you prayed about it? Also, if you’re interested, I like DreamMoods.com for a dream dictionary. I find prayers & that site to be a helpful combination for understanding dreams
I have,and thx,I’ll check that out! 🙂
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Dear Cynthia, my case is a little bit unique in the fact that the person whose hands are suffered from also has Asperger syndrome. He is in the system and living with my grandparents. They are his caregivers although he is high functioning, self medicate‘s, and has held a management position in a security job for eight or nine years now. Due to the unique Ness and it’s nature, I’m a bit more angry at my grandmother who enabled him, than I am at him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry. He sexually and psychologically abused me from ages 10 to 19. He is a covert narcissist and he is amazing at hiding it. It’s my word against his and when I was 12 I tried to tell my parents about him. My grandma asked me if I was getting enough attention at home… I began repressing memories that I can only now remember anything about. I’m 20 years old and married and I’m having some issues in my marriage because of this all resurfacing in my head. The narcissist also attends my church so I have trouble going to church now. I’m really tired of having nightmares and last night I had a panic attack because I tried praying about it. Praying about it meant I was remembering it off and it freaked me out pretty good.
That is so rough! I’m sorry!
Your anger sounds very understandable! Sometimes you wonder what’s worse, what the narcissist did or that people enable it, yanno?
Have you looked for a different church? Or does this one have online services?
I know it’s scary but please keep trying to pray. If not about the specific instances, at least asking God to help you to heal. It truly makes a difference! xoxo
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My mother in-laws church is less than a minute from us so it is a possibility.
I’m so happy I found your blog, I think maybe that Was an answer to my prayer.
Good.. glad her church is so close to you. It sounds like a good option!
Thank you so very much! That is so sweet of you to say. 🙂
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