Lies People Believe Rather Than Believing Victims Of Abuse

When a victim of abuse has proof of abuse, such as bruises or broken bones, that person is usually believed.  Sadly, the emotional warfare narcissists dish out doesn’t leave such obvious physical evidence behind, & many victims aren’t believed because of that.  As a result, victims are often re-victimized by people who don’t believe them, & who accuse them of exaggerating, lying, seeking attention or being the abuser who is trying to cover our tracks.  This often includes a victims own friends & family.

The excuses people give as to why they don’t believe a victim may sound plausible, but in reality, they aren’t.  This post shares some commonly used excuses.  I apologize in advance to those who find this post triggering or upsetting!  

“She is too nice.  I can’t imagine this sweet person abusing anyone!”  Abusers hide their cruel activities from everyone but their victim.  By acting “nice” around other people, this protects the abuser’s reputation & makes people believe him or her over the victim.

“This person is a pastor/teacher/ nurse… there is no way he could be abusive.”  Wrong.  Narcissists are drawn to helping professions such as pastor, teacher, & the medical field because people in these fields are admired.  Such positions also offer power over other people.

“But she is so active in the church!  She carries her Bible everywhere she goes!”  Being active in the church & carrying around a Bible doesn’t mean a person couldn’t be abusive.  There are abusive people in every area of life, & that includes in the church.  This role of being “religious” can bring them the admiration they want while protecting their reputation in such a way if their victim speaks out, they often won’t be believed.

“He brags about his kids all the time.  I can’t imagine this person abusing those kids.”  Narcissists have children as yet another means of gaining narcissistic supply.  When people think well of their children, narcissists take it as people thinking well of them, so yes, many narcissistic parents will brag about their children as a way of gathering narcissistic supply.

“She’s your mother!  Mothers always love their children & never would hurt them!”  This is delusional.  While most mothers do love their children, not all do.  The same goes for fathers.  Some people, like narcissists, are simply incapable of loving anyone & this includes their children.

“He’s always nice to me.  He can’t be abusive.”  All this means is the abuser hasn’t let you get close enough to them to see their true self.  They are keeping you at a distance.

“She says you’re lying & she never abused you.”  Seriously.. do you really think an abusive person would accept responsibility & admit being abusive?  Not gonna happen.  If they admit anything happened, you can guarantee they will have excuses or their version will be much different than the victim’s version.

“He never hit her!  That means it’s not abuse!”  So wrong!  Abuse can be more than simply hitting a person.  Abuse also can be manipulating, invalidating, harshly criticizing, destroying a person’s self esteem, or forcing someone to do sexual acts they want no parts of.

“The victim is an angry person.  That doesn’t mean the narcissist was abusive!”  Ok, that can be true.  However, if you know the victim, you will know if this person is generally angry or not.  And, if the victim is just an angry person, chances are super slim that anger will be focused only on one person. He or she would be angry with pretty much everyone.

“They were just not a good match.”  There is a big difference in a mismatched couple & abuse.  A couple who isn’t compatible can still involve good people.  Abusers aren’t good people, period.

“They were toxic for each other.”  If this is the case, both parties involved will admit their shortcomings.  One person will not claim total innocence while the other claims abuse.  They also will work on trying to improve their relationship or mutually agree to end it.  And, if they end it, one person won’t stalk or harass the other.

The next time someone says one of these types of comments to you, I hope you remember this post & it helps you!

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12 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

12 responses to “Lies People Believe Rather Than Believing Victims Of Abuse

  1. Pingback: Freedom From Earthstains

  2. CK

    Thank you for putting these truths out into the universe!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t forget “maybe you’re projecting what you are onto them” (usually said by a close associate of the abuse to gaslight you…)

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Or the worst of all, for someone whose mental health has been impacted by known prior abuse “you probably just aren’t thinking/remembering clearly. Maybe you should get help…”

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Yes! Both of those! Ridiculous as they are.. :/

    Like

  6. My dad was a church pastor, widely known as an “awesome guy.” Yet he was abusive in every sense of the word, when no one outside the family was around to see or hear.

    When I was growing up, my mother was even more abusive to me than my father was. My last phone call to her, in August of last year, proved to me that she has not changed except maybe for the worse. In that brief conversation, which started with her asking me if I know that Jesus Christ is Lord, she outright lied, she gaslighted, she projected, and she scapegoated me worse than she has ever done before — and that’s really saying something, considering how bad her verbal abuse and lies have been in the past! What she said was so bad that I will never call her again. And yet, she sings in the church choir and shares the gospel of Christ with anyone who will listen.

    Someone once asked, in outrage, how I could call my own mother a liar. I replied “Because… she tells lies.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course he was a great guy! No one in a leadership role in a church can be bad, right?! omgosh..

      That had to be bad, considering the other awful things your mother said & did to you. I’m sorry.. that had to be an awful experience. No wonder you won’t talk to her again.

      Exactly! Why else would you call your mother a liar?! GEEZ! That is a dumb question…

      lol That reminded me of something with my mother. When I was 17, she showed up at my work one day unexpectedly. She saw me on break with my now ex husband, who she refused to let me date. She screamed at me across the parking lot in front of God only knows how many people. Ex drove off while she screamed/raged at me. Turned out he went to my parents’ home where my father was to tell him what was going on. My mother got home shortly after & she & ex got into an argument. He caught her in some lie & she denied it, saying, “If you ever meet anyone more honest than me, it’ll be God Almighty Himself!” So many times over the years, he & I would quote that & just shake our heads because she lied so much.

      Liked by 2 people

      • About your mother… Wow Wow Wow. Comparing herself to God? It doesn’t get more narcissistic than that!

        Many years ago I knew a woman who carried a Bible in her hand everywhere she went. Shopping, walking down the sidewalk, even at work, she carried this Bible the way most women carry a purse. She also talked about the Lord constantly.

        And yet, this woman was having an affair with a married man. She told me that God understood and accepted her affair because, after all, He had given her the sex drive in the first place.

        Jesus had a lot to say about hypocrites during His earthly ministry, didn’t He?

        Like

        • No kidding. Even though I didn’t know anything about NPD & was an atheist at the time, I had the sense to know that was a bad thing. Outrageous lie, too since she lied/lies so much!

          WOW! Yes, God gave her the sex drive but my word.. not to use it with a married man!

          He really did have a lot to say about hypocrites. I’d imagine Jesus will have even more to say to them when they meet Him some day.

          Liked by 1 person

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