In a recent conversation, I’ve come to realize something that may help at least some of you who follow my work.
The conversation was with someone who is involved with a very covert narcissist. She has broken off their relationship months ago, but he continues to call & to try to hoover her back in. She has wanted to tell him to stop calling her, but hasn’t. Based on some of his past controlling behavior, she & I both believe that he is one of those narcissists who would harass & stalk her. She knows what that’s like, having gone through it with me at the hands of a narcissist I went no contact with several years ago, so she wants to avoid that if at all possible, & understandably so!
Rather than face the probability of stalking & harassment, she has opted to use the Gray Rock method, in the hopes that her ex will lose all interest in her. So far, it has worked pretty well. He no longer calls her daily, only a few times a week. This is big progress! Even so, she still wants rid of him completely.
As we talked, I had a thought that I think might work well for her, & it might benefit some of you as well..
Obviously, he is losing interest in her, which is why he isn’t calling so often. Now might be a good time to give him some narcissistic turn offs. She is great with not providing narcissistic supply, but I suggested she also try to take some from him using ways that aren’t bad enough to provoke rage. Turn offs, basically.
One thing that he wants her to do to provide him with supply are always look good. Dress well, makeup done.. things like this. When he sees her, I suggested she dress frumpy. Wear sweats & no makeup. Also never call him since that can make him think she is still interested in him thus providing narcissistic supply. He likes to go out or travel, so she will make a point of exaggerating her naturally introverted & home body ways. She can talk about how glad she is to be at home & have nowhere to be for the weekend, things like this.
Little things like this can be explained away easily, like she just wanted to be comfortable which is why sweats & no make up. This means they most likely won’t bring about a narcissistic rage, especially considering he is trying to behave so she will come back to him. But, these things don’t provide supply, they also are big turn offs & they will get under his skin. At some point, he is going to get sick of her lack of supply & my guess is he will discard her. The good part of this is that if he discards her, he thinks ending the relationship is all his idea, so he won’t stalk or harass her. He will leave her alone.
I did mention that if she does this & he discards her, he’ll probably do the smear campaign thing. She said she really doesn’t care what people think of her, so thankfully that isn’t going to be a problem for her.
Dear Reader, I don’t know your situation with your particular narcissist, so obviously I can’t say making the narcissist want to discard you is your answer if you’re having trouble going no contact. Only you know if this will work for you. I urge you to pray & seriously consider it though. So many narcissists, after a victim has gone no contact, harass their victims in real life, over the phone & on social media. Others who are more covert do the same but with less hostility than their overtly narcissistic counterparts. They claim just to want answers, promise they’ll change, use guilt or portray themselves as the victim as they harass the true victim. If this awful behavior can be avoided or even just minimized by acting this way, then isn’t it worth considering at least?