Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism
Tagged as abuse, disorder, father, grandfather, grandmother, grandparent, mother, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic, parent, personality
I so appreciate your blog and videos. I review them almost daily. I’m curious to know if you have children. If you don’t, I wonder if that was a conscious choice. I realize this is a very personal question, and I certainly don’t mean offense. I am a gay man, so children would have been a difficult task. At this point, I am grateful that I don’t have children, because I don’t think I would have been equipped. Thanks again for what you do!
Also, I’m fully not expecting you to respond to such a personal question in a reply. But if you ever did a post or video on the subject, I would find it extremely interesting.
It’s fine, really.. I try to be as transparent as possible with my work.
I never thought of making a post or video on that topic. I guess it didn’t seem like something people would want to know, yanno? I’ll think & pray about it.. maybe I will do that down the road. Thanks for the suggestion!
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Thank you so much for what you said, dougrross! I’m so glad you like my work. 🙂
I understand how you feel. Being raised by narcissistic parents does leave a person poorly equipped for parenthood!
And, I don’t mind the question, nor am I offended. I don’t have kids & never wanted to be a parent. Being the youngest on both sides of my family & having an engulfing narcissistic mother, I never spent a lot of time around kids. I’m not comfortable around them. I also always knew I’d never be a good parent. And, I was my parents’ emotional caregiver so in a way I feel like I already raised my “kids” & don’t have it in me to raise more.
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Thank you for responding! I hope you don’t mind if I vomit out a lot of my ideas here. It’s just me venting. Perhaps you will find some of the ideas interesting.
I can certainly relate to feeling like you have already raised your kids because you’ve had to deal with narcissistic parents. I realize now my mother is a narcissist. She moved to Florida with her 3rd husband in the 90s (I was in my early 20s).
Once she was gone, I came out of my shell and created a nice life for myself. They moved back several years ago, now living an hour away. They were mostly interested in the sporting events of my brother and his family, and so they mostly left me alone. Which was fine with me! However, about 2 years ago, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. All the extended family who had ignored me in years past, then called on me to be the primary person to check on them. After he died, my mother looked to me to fill all the voids her husband left. Daily phone calls, weekly drives to her house for maintenance, etc. I became completely “engulfed”. This is what drove me to seek out videos like yours and to come to realization that my mother is a narcissist.
In the 90s, I remember a researcher finding that attractive, prolific mothers often pass the gay gene on in the next generation. The researcher realized his findings had political ramifications and backed off. I can’t find anything about this on the internet now – I’m guessing it’s all been scrubbed for political reasons. There are a few newer research articles linking the “gay gene” to the mother being prolific. Oddly the “gay gene” is always on the maternal side.
My grandmother had 9 children, even though she lived in poverty in the mountains of Kentucky. My mother and her sisters pass this off as Grandma not understanding, or not having access to birth control. However, I don’t think this is true. I think Grandma knew where babies came from. I think Grandma had lots of children for narcissistic reasons. I think all the children kept her stocked up on narcissistic supply. It also kept her wandering, alcoholic husband coming back home out of guilt.
I think this is similar to the reason that women in third world countries have lots of children – because they know not all of the children will survive long enough to take care of the mother when they are old.
In college, I went to Egypt and asked a native guide why they had so many children when resources were low – he told me the same. They have lots of children hoping some that some of their children will survive long enough so that the adult children can take care of them when they are old. This was jarring to me. At the time, I didn’t really think about it applying to me in America. But I get it now.. Until the industrial revolutions, attractive, prolific women probably did think having lots of children was a way to get more resources – FOR THEM.
I think the same principle applied in the 60s when my mother had me. To the attractive, narcissistic woman, have children was a quick way to getting Supply. Much easier than going to college, working, or being a decent human being.
Anyway, I think the “gay gene” theory might true. It may have been God’s way of slowing down the craziness of narcissistic women.
Of maybe just getting down on the supply of children. Children who are only viewed as resources and supply.
I don’t mind at all! I love hearing other people’s thoughts on this topic.
I never heard of the gay gene theory before, so I apologize- I have zero insight on that to offer. But, I do believe that narcissistic mothers have children, sometimes many, for supply & maybe to take care of them when they’re old. (I say maybe because it seems to me some narcissists think they’ll never get old & feeble, like they’re somehow above the normal aging process.)
Children are a fantastic source of supply for narcissistic parents when you think about it, so it makes sense they want kids. Pregnant women get coddled & fussed over (supply), if their man is considering leaving them he’ll usually stay if she turns up pregnant (supply), children depend 100% on their parents so they can be shaped into whatever the narcissistic parent wants (supply), if the child does well in school or sports that reflects well on the parents (supply), children naturally want to please their parents & will do about anything to do that or earn their love (supply), & children know it’s best to keep the abuse secret so they rarely tell anyone (supply).
It sounds to me like you’re your mother’s scapegoat, & all narcissistic parents seem to have one. That is why you were the one, not your brother or both of you together, who was supposed to take care of her when your stepdad was dying & after his death. When extended family behaves in that manner, that is a big giveaway that they’re the narcissist’s flying monkeys & you’re the scapegoat. Been there myself when my father was dying & half expect it to happen again if my mother dies before me. Not a nice place to be & I’m sorry you’ve been through that too.
Yes. I hadn’t really considered myself the “scapegoat”, because my mother talks to me all the time. But yes.
My mother used to call me daily & I’m the scapegoat. They can contact scapegoats often since they expect us to be their emotional dumping ground, tolerate their abuse, take care of them, etc. Strange really how the one they treat the worst is the one they expect the most from isn’t it?
Wow. I felt like she liked me because she called. But you are right. I am the scapegoat. I am trash to her other than listening to her stories of past greatness. I will let her go now.
I’m sorry.. it’s a painful revelation, learning you’re the scapegoat. (((hugs)))
Are you sure about letting her go? I hope you aren’t thinking that because of what I said.. no contact is such an important & difficult decision & it needs to be done after a lot of thought & prayer.
You’re more than welcome to join my facebook group if you like. The support can be so helpful. No pressure of course- just making the offer. Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/FansOfCynthiaBaileyRug/
I think I meant more of a “letting her go” in my mind, rather than any concrete action. Although “No Contact” seems like a lovely thing. I just sent the request to join the Facebook group. Thanks for the suggestion.
Ok, good. .Although no contact is a wonderful thing & usually the best option, I firmly don’t think that decision should be made quickly, yanno? I don’t want to contribute to that happening.
You’re welcome! I’ll go let you in now. 🙂
I had saved this video in my favorites to watch when it first posted, and finally got around to it. I like it so much, I’m going to have to watch it again.
You said that your mother was your maternal grandmother’s scapegoat, and your mother’s sister was your grandmother’s golden child. Incredible. That exactly matches the dynamics in my family. My mother’s only sibling, a much younger sister, could do no wrong in my grandparents’ eyes. But my mother could never do anything right.
In my experience as the scapegoat daughter of a scapegoat daughter, having a narcissistic scapegoat for a mother is HELL. It makes for a special kind of crazy. My golden child narcissistic aunt, on the other hand, wasn’t nearly so hard on her two children.
Yes, Cynthia, you are right on about the grandchild of a narcissist being treated exactly the same way as the narcissistic grandparent treated your parent. From my earliest memories with my narcissistic maternal grandmother, she always treated me exactly the same way she treated my mother.
My maternal grandfather was also very narcissistic. In the 1960s, he was the associate warden of Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. He and my grandmother lived in the huge warden’s mansion in front of the prison, because the warden had his own home nearby. My grandparents had servants and prison trustees jumping to do their bidding. My grandfather had an attitude like he was God. And my grandmother was Mrs. God.
My maternal grandparents also treated my two cousins, the children of my golden child narcissistic aunt, like they could do no wrong. And yet it did not do their mental health any good…
What a mess narcissism makes in a family.
Oh wow.. so you too are the scapegoat child of a scapegoat child. Another thing we share in common. Lucky us, huh? lol
My golden child aunt wasn’t narcissistic (I don’t think) & was a decent mom to her 3 kids. She was pretty horrified when I told her some of the things my mother did to me.
I can see that scenario with your maternal narcissistic grandparents. No wonder they thought they were Mr & Mrs God. That whole scenario had to feed their narcissism like crazy. Geez!
Narcissism does make a terrible mess of a family. It’s sickening.
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