I have the comments on my blog set up so that anyone who has commented previously can post comments with no problem. Anyone who hasn’t, their comments must be approved by me. Their comments are emailed to me & I either can select “approve” or do nothing & the comment sits in my “pending” folder until I approve or delete it. It’s a wonderful feature! It helps me eliminate spam or even abuse by my “lovely” family. It also helps me to eliminate the garden variety narcissist, flying monkey or invalidating person, which is the point of this post.
So, a few years back, I posted this post about how I was angry with my narcissistic mother. If you read the post, you’ll see that the reason for my anger was valid & even normal. The comments on the post show several people understood & validated my feelings. One person apparently did not agree with my feelings when reading the post a few months ago. This person hadn’t commented on any of my posts before, so it was a comment I had to review to approve or not before it would post. I read it & didn’t approve it. Only recently did I realize it was still in my “pending” folder. I approve almost every comment so there’s rarely a need to visit that folder, which is why this comment sat there for so long.
Upon realizing said comment was still in my pending folder recently, I was surprised. I figured I’d deleted it long ago. Oops.. yea, my memory is really bad. My first thought when I realized it was still there was to just delete it, but then I realized this could be a good teaching tool. Why not use it as such before deleting??
Without further ado, here is the comment….
I do not know you, or your family all. I found you through a search asking, “how a Christian can honor our narcissistic parents”. And the first article with that title I thought was kind of helpful—but I got a whiff of anger there. So, I went to your next article. And I just have to say that I’m not really seeing a Christian response. I am seeing a very human response. And I understand that response, believe me! My friend, I don’t believe you are walking in the victory I was hoping to find. I believe you are very bitter, and very angry. This blog post shows, now I’m being very honest here, because I do not know you, and I’m coming at this from the outside, you wrote the article—-and yet I do not believe that you are portrayed very favorably in this article! Not showing your mother the common courtesy of answering her greeting, does not seem Christlike. The Bible tells us to bless our enemies. Jesus said to bless our enemies and turn the other cheek. In that context I believe we must choose not to be offended, period. We answer to God for what we do in this life. Not for what was done to us. You are angry, (a sin according to Jesus himself) at everyone in this story, and bitterly vindictive. In your eyes you are the only faultless victim. We know what that thinking reflects when those around us act in that manner. Your whole life, certainly all your writing, seems to revolve around a passive/aggressive “outing” of all our family’s faults. In studying narcissism, I have read that this is a symptom of the disorder. When we become a Christian and except Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior over our lives, we give him our rights—because He put aside all of His rights to be the atonement for our sins. Now we belong to Him. We were bought by His precious blood! We give him our human frailties, and ask for the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and make us a new creature! This way we can have God‘s Holy nature, which is much stronger than our human nature; —the nature that is full of bitterness and anger. And then we can love people and see them the way God sees them. And the Holy Spirit can heal our hearts! And here is something you might not know: God is able to cure even a narcissist! I pray for you, that you can move on and out, away from anger and bitterness and accept your healing, and love like Jesus loves! Please pray for me too!
This sort of thing happens when you have survived narcissistic abuse. So many of us have heard it all before. Unfortunately, many of us also have internalized the faulty messages, which is unhealthy.
I decided to throw out some thoughts on these comments for your consideration…
Anger is not a sin. Ephesians 4:26 “Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down.” (AMP)
Even Jesus was angry at people who behaved badly. Matthew 21:12-13 “12 And Jesus entered the temple [grounds] and drove out [with force] all who were buying and selling [birds and animals for sacrifice] in the temple area, and He turned over the tables of the moneychangers [who made a profit exchanging foreign money for temple coinage] and the chairs of those who were selling doves [for sacrifice]. 13 Jesus said to them, “It is written [in Scripture], ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer’; but you are making it a robbers’ den.'” (AMP)
Discussing abuse isn’t a bad thing or sinful. Ephesians 4:15 “But speaking the truth in love [in all things—both our speech and our lives expressing His truth], let us grow up in all things into Him [following His example] who is the Head—Christ.” (AMP)
Forgiveness doesn’t mean “forgive & forget.” While Jesus did suggest we “turn the other cheek,” He also said this which proves that forgiveness doesn’t mean giving someone a free pass to be abusive: Matthew 18: 15-17 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens and pays attention to you, you have won back your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed by the testimony of two or three witnesses. 17 If he pays no attention to them [refusing to listen and obey], tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile (unbeliever) and a tax collector.” (AMP)
Jesus didn’t tolerate things quietly & spoke openly of wrong doings. Matthew 3:7 “But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming for baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers, who warned you to flee from the [divine] wrath and judgment to come?” (AMP)
Matthew 12:34 “You brood of vipers, how can you speak good things when you are evil? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.” (AMP)
By sharing this comment & my thoughts, I’m not trying to “out” the person who made the comment. If I was, I’d share the person’s name wouldn’t I? I’m also not being “passive/aggressive” or anything else. My purpose to this post was simply this: When a good example of something bad comes along, why not use it to help yourself & others when possible?!
When comments like this are made to a victim of narcissistic abuse, they can sound really good. Scripture was referred to, which can make any Christian rethink their actions. I certainly did when I first read it. After some prayer & thought though, I realized this person twisted Scripture around to use it in a bad way. And that, Dear Reader, is a very common tactic used by flying monkeys & other narcissists.
If someone says similar things to you that this person said to me, then please, don’t blindly accept it! You need wisdom & discernment! Consider the Scriptures used as they are in the Bible, not as a stand alone verse as the person uses them. Pray. Ask God to show you the truth. Think about what makes sense to you. Trust your instincts too. If something doesn’t feel quite right, then it most likely isn’t right. Even the most well meaning people can make mistakes. And, even the most innocent acting narcissist can be extremely manipulative.