When you have survived narcissistic abuse, escaped it & began to heal, you will think a LOT. You’ll think about the things you endured, & wonder how you survived. You’ll also think about things you did while in the midst of the abuse or even after you first escaped it. This can be extremely difficult, because chances are, you’ve done many things you aren’t proud of.
That is certainly something I’ve experienced. When I look back at my young adult life, it’s just embarrassing. I met my ex husband just before I turned 17. He was very pushy about getting me to date him, & proposed 3 months after we met. I went along with whatever he wanted, against my mother’s demands, because I didn’t think any other guy would ever want me. This desperation is so embarrassing now. I didn’t even find him physically attractive- I just figured I should grab him since no one else would want me. I sneaked around to be with him even knowing my mother most likely would find out & scream at me about it as she always did. I later married him even though everything in me was saying it was a huge mistake & I shouldn’t marry him.
Looking back at that situation is embarrassing. Humiliating, really. I have a hard time believing now that I’m that same person.
Do you have a situation like that in your life, Dear Reader? I’m guessing you do. I think we all do. I want to tell you today that you have nothing to be ashamed of!
Growing up with a narcissistic parent (or two), you learn a lot of terribly dysfunctional beliefs. Those beliefs will play a part in the things you do until you learn that they are bad, & you replace them with healthy beliefs. This means you’re going to do some things you aren’t necessarily proud of, like me getting involved with my ex husband.
When you remember those times, rather than shaming yourself, think about who you were at that time. You were a dysfunctional, abused person. Naturally you’d make bad choices. How could you not if you didn’t know better?
It’s OK that you made mistakes. We all do, especially when given such a horrible, dysfunctional start in life. Forgive yourself! Stop beating yourself up! How could you expect to make wiser choices when you simply didn’t know any better?