Closure With A Narcissist

People often talk about closure & how beneficial it is.  They encourage victims of narcissistic abuse to get closure somehow, such as by saying good bye to their dying narcissistic parent even if they have not spoken for years.  What these people fail to realize is closure in the normal sense of the word is impossible with narcissists.

Closure is when someone knows & understands why a relationship ended.  Maybe one person even apologized for mistreating the other person, an explanation was given, good byes were said, even some tears shed.  This  scenario just cannot happen with narcissists.

Narcissists do NOT want to give their victims closure.  They prefer to leave them suffering, wondering why things were as they were.  Often, their adult children spend their entire lives wondering, “Why couldn’t Mom love me?”  Even if Mom knows, there is no way she would admit the truth to her child, because her reasons might make her look less than perfect.  Since appearances are so important to a narcissist, they will refuse to admit any wrong doings or even simple shortcomings.

Normal closure is impossible with narcissists, but that doesn’t mean a form of closure isn’t possible.  It absolutely is.

If you can surrender the hope that one day the narcissist in your life will change or show genuine remorse, you can have closure with that person.  I know this probably sounds like giving up, & maybe in a sense it is, but I believe it is a healthy move.

Everyone knows that most narcissists don’t change unless it is to behave even worse.  As long as you cling to the hope that maybe this time will be different or one day he or she will see the light & change their terrible, abusive behavior, you aren’t getting closure.  In fact, you’re going to be miserable & constantly disappointed.  You are tying yourself to this person with your expectations.  Why do this?  You’re only causing yourself pain.

Aim for closure with the narcissist in your life.  Giving up the hope & expectations of change will do you a world of good.  It may not be closure in the traditional sense of the word, but it still is helpful & healing for you.

4 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

4 responses to “Closure With A Narcissist

  1. ibikenyc

    This type of closure sounds a lot like what I think of as forgiveness.

    That surrendering of hope is SO hard for me because I feel like I’ve already swallowed so much that I’m gagging on it. It’s tough to get myself to the point where I realize that hanging on is really only giving the Narc even more supply.

    Sometimes you really are best off just cutting your losses.

    Like

    • That’s true.. it is a lot like forgiveness. It’s releasing that person from owing you an apology, etc.

      It is incredibly hard to surrender that hope! It seems like we’re always the ones giving & doing while they do nothing but cause pain. It’s not fair. Surrendering that hope though gets easier when you realize you’re doing it for you, not the narcissist. Easy? No. Just eas-IER.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ibikenyc

    One thing I do is sit with myself long enough to be sure that I’ve done everything I need — WANT — to do for myself.

    I realize that this could be a slippery slope, but what I’ve found is that it helps me to establish a firm boundary with myself. I know that I’ll be okay with my decision to go no contact because I really do know that I did everything I could. It cuts out all that second-guessing

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think that is a fantastic idea. So much of what you read about narcissistic abuse tells victims, “just go no contact.” They make it sound like it’s a trivial decision like Coke or Pepsi, when it really isn’t trivial! It’s smart to think & pray a lot before doing it, & that includes being sure that you know you’ve done all you can.

      Liked by 1 person

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