May 2, 2019 · 6:30 AM
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My Mother Has Died

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

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12 responses to “My Mother Has Died”

  1. Linda Lee/@LadyQuixote
    May 2, 2019 at 12:53 PM

    I just watched the video. I can’t even talk right now. Or write. I’m feeling an overload of emotions. Wow. Your strength and courage is amazing!

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    • CynthiaBaileyRug
      May 2, 2019 at 3:10 PM

      Thank you.. I really don’t feel strong or courageous right now! Just going through the motions, yanno? This is so weird, the entire thing.

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      • Linda Lee/@LadyQuixote
        May 2, 2019 at 6:11 PM

        Although my 84 year old mother is still alive, I have a pretty good idea of what you must be going through. As you know, I, too, have had a very bad history with my mother, and she and I have been (mostly) no contact for years. Because of her age, I have thought about how I will react when she dies.

        Until recently, I figured that I wouldn’t feel much of anything, because I have already grieved the mother-daughter relationship that we never really had. But a couple of months ago I did a quick online search of her name, which I do maybe once or twice a year, just to see if she has passed and no one’s bothered to tell me. This last time that I searched, an obituary came up with the same first and last name as my mother. It’s not a common name combination. The age given for the deceased was 82. My mother was 83 at the time, but still, they could have gotten the age wrong.

        Cynthia, when I saw that name and age come up on an obituary, I felt like I had just been kicked in the chest by a horse. Seriously, for a few seconds, I thought I might be having a heart attack.

        Then I opened up the obit and saw by the pictures, location, and other details, that the deceased wasn’t my mother. She had the same first and last name and she was nearly the same age. But she lived in a different state and had a different family.

        That’s when I understood that it won’t be a walk in the park when my mother dies.

        ((HUG))

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        • CynthiaBaileyRug
          May 3, 2019 at 7:35 AM

          Oh wow. I get that kicked in the chest by a horse feeling. I did the same for my mother for the last few years since we were no contact.

          I know everyone is different so naturally they grieve differently, but it does seem everyone experiences a roller coaster of emotions. Feeling relief for finally being free then guilt for that are the most common, from what I have seen. But there are so many other emotions that kick in. Sometimes a few at the same time, even. It’s TOUGH & complicated. When the time comes with your mother, please let me know if I can help, ok? ❤

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          • Linda Lee/@LadyQuixote
            May 3, 2019 at 9:17 AM

            Aww, that’s so thoughtful. Thank you.

            I feel sad today, because yesterday was my birthday and my husband basically ignored it. Things have been rough with him lately and I am not sure what’s going on. With both of us having PTSD, we’ve been through a lot of ups and downs, especially during the first couple of years of our marriage. But then we got some good counseling and for the past 8 or 9 years, we were getting along fine.

            Lately, though, I don’t know what’s wrong, or how to fix it.

            The good news is that my lifelong tendency to blame myself 100% and feel unloved and unlovable is mostly absent. When I start to feel that way, I remind myself of who I am… I am a beloved daughter of God.

            I can’t even write about this on my blog, because my husband reads it and sometimes comments. Grrr. I am tempted to start a whole new blog.

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            • CynthiaBaileyRug
              May 3, 2019 at 9:44 AM

              You’re very welcome! Do you still have my email?

              Could it be some sort of anniversary for him? Just wondering if that’s why he ignored your birthday. You know how it is- you can get so caught up in something traumatic you either forget or don’t have the energy to pay attention to important things sometimes. In any case, I’m sorry it happened! Happy belated birthday to you!! 🌹 🌹 💖

              Good for you! You shouldn’t blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault! Easier said than done when growing up with a narcissistic parent, I know, but it’s true!

              Then start a new one! Do you have a journal? That’s what I do rather than write out every single thing in my blog. http://www.my-diary.org is a cool online one. It can be public or private & password protected. Just throwing it out there for you

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              • Linda Lee/@LadyQuixote
                May 3, 2019 at 6:39 PM

                Thank you, Cynthia. I meant to reply hours ago, but it’s been a day! I was so bummed. Finally I talked with my husband and, long story short, it was all a misunderstanding.

                Yes, I am sure I still have your email. But right now, I should be comforting you, not the other way around. I am so sorry for going on about my poor pitiful me feelings. Please forgive my thoughtlessness. But you are always so gracious!

                There has been a lot more going on here lately than just my husband seeming to forget my birthday. But after our talk and prayer, we are good, now. My husband had four inflamed lumps removed a few days ago. We should know the biopsy results next Wednesday. My husband kept saying that he wasn’t worried one bit, that he was sure he would be fine, and I was trying to echo his faith and optimism. But as we talked, we realized that we are both really scared and we were in deep denial about that. As a result, our upset feelings were coming out sideways.

                Even Jesus wept. It’s okay to feel our emotions, even when they aren’t upbeat and fun.

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                • CynthiaBaileyRug
                  May 4, 2019 at 7:50 AM

                  No worries… had quite a day myself yesterday so even if you’d responded quickly, I couldn’t have.

                  Good!!! Glad that’s all it was!!

                  There’s nothing to forgive. Just thinking about the passing of a narcissistic parent is awful. You know when it happens, it’s going to be even worse, too, so there’s a lot of anxiety attached to it.

                  That makes sense yall are so worried & by not showing it, that comes out wonky. That’s how emotions work- if they aren’t felt & dealt with, they come out in all kinds of unexpected ways. It’s awesome you & hubby figured out exactly what was going on. Will be praying the results come back just fine on Wednesday!

                  Exactly. Jesus wasn’t always perky & happy. He dealt with everything, even the awful stuff, & yes, even cried. We need to follow His example!

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                  • Linda Lee/@LadyQuixote
                    May 4, 2019 at 9:02 AM

                    Good morning, Cynthia. I’m in a rush to get ready to go sell poppies at the truck stop with my husband for our local VFW. So I don’t have time for much of a reply. But I just wanted to say, as I read your comment just now: I like how you think! 😊

                    I hope you have a blessed day. I just said a little prayer for you.

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