I’m really exhausted as I write this post, so I’ll just apologize in advance if it’s a bit hard to follow.
The time since my mother was found dead on April 19th has been pretty bizarre to say the least. I still feel like I’m functioning in a state of shock, but it’s dissipating some anyway. God’s enabling me to get through it all & do what I need to do, which is a miracle in itself.
Today (I’m writing this on Saturday), has been a tough day. I found a note from one of my mother’s relatives from about a year ago. Apparently my mother wanted advice & this person wrote back about how she felt about the situation & what she thought should happen. Ugh..the narcissism! This shouldn’t be surprising since she also called me when my father was dying & let my phone ring for 10 minutes straight one evening, which is why I blocked her number as soon as my phone stopped ringing. Anyway apparently my mother had asked this person for advice & that was her purpose of writing the letter to my mother. In it, she mentioned something about how she needed to get a lawyer because “you know Cyndi won’t help you.” As I read it, I somehow could feel the hate for me coming off the page. Not a nice feeling to say the least. Truly what this person thinks of me means nothing to me but it did get me thinking about something that made me mad.
My father stopped speaking to his father a year or two before he died. It was over some changes Granddad made to his will. My father didn’t even attend his funeral. Not one single person said a peep about this. Not. One. Yet, I stopped speaking to my parents & relatives lost their minds, like the one who showed up at my mother’s burial to give me grief. Why?! How does any of this make any sense?! My father & his had a difference of opinion & no contact was fine. My parents were detrimental to my physical & mental health yet I’m supposedly wrong for protecting myself from that. UGH!
I’ve also been going through paperwork trying to find the information I need to take to my mother’s attorney soon. I have found a LOT of stuff, & not just what I need.
My mother wrote out pretty much everything. To do lists, notes about broken things that she had repaired & more. I found some letters she wrote to my father, telling him how miserable she was. (I have yet to read them other than enough to let me know what the paper was. It feels too personal & not my business.) She wrote out her feelings when she was 40 years old about how awful her life was & how she had no idea what to do about it. Heartbreaking! After finding that, I found a list of things she wrote that she had to do after her mother died. In it, she mentioned how she “had to give me money from her inheritance.” She didn’t sound amused. Well, the reason she had to do this was because I’d found evidence that she stole my inheritance. I threatened to go to the police unless I got my money. I also found out she made a rather significant investment without my father’s knowledge several years ago. Today, I found a text on one of her old cell phones from someone I don’t know who told my mother to stop calling her as they had nothing to talk about.
Things like this have been such an emotional roller coaster! I feel sorry for my mother, then get mad at her, feel confused because I apparently knew little about her. Often I feel these things within the span of only a few minutes.
Aside from venting, I do have a point in sharing this.
Dealing with the death of a narcissistic parent is incredibly difficult. It’s challenging, confusing & complicated. But, if you are in the position that I am of having to settle that parents’ estate, it gets even more challenging, & I don’t just mean the legal & financial aspects of it.
Whatever your relationship with your narcissistic parent, when that parent dies, I would guess you’ll find out you didn’t really know your parent at all, as I have. That can set off confusing & conflicting emotions. I keep feeling angry. It seems my mother had good qualities, but I wasn’t fortunate enough to see them. Why?? That makes me angry because it’s utterly unfair.
I also realized apparently my parents were proud of me to some degree. I truly had no idea. If this happens to you, I’d bet you’ll feel the way I have about it. I wonder why they didn’t tell me & it hurt me that they didn’t.
The death of a narcissistic parent also shows you who your friends really are & aren’t. I am blessed with wonderful friends who understand how awkward & painful the situation is. But, there are also others who think I’m the scourge of the earth for not having a relationship with my parents, such as the awful relative who showed up unexpectedly at my mother’s burial solely to harass me. The bad ones aren’t entirely unavoidable, unfortunately, so you most likely will have to deal with at least one or two at some point. Remember to avoid these people. Walk away, hang up the phone, block their phone number & email. Heartless people like this thoroughly enjoy kicking a person while they’re down, & you do NOT need their abuse on top of everything else.
And lastly, Dear Reader, remember that no matter what, you can’t be fully prepared to deal with the death of your narcissistic parent. You can try your best to be & learn all you can, but even so, there are going to be surprises along the way. When things get hard, remember to turn to God. Let Him strengthen you & comfort you. He will get you through this as He is doing for me! xoxo