Why Did My Narcissistic Parent Or Partner Abuse Me?

So many people who were abused wonder the same thing: Why was I abused?  They wonder what they did wrong or could have done to make their abuser abuse them.  It’s certainly understandable to think this way.  After all, narcissist never accept responsibility for their actions & also make certain their victims know they are to blame for all the problems in the relationship.

So why were you abused?  The answer to these questions is this…

You were abused only because your abuser made the terrible, dysfunctional decision to abuse you.

You did nothing wrong.  You aren’t a bad person.  You didn’t allow this person to abuse you.  You didn’t make anyone abuse you.  You’re not annoying, stupid, a loser, a pushover, codependent, etc.  There is absolutely nothing about you or that you could do to make anyone abuse you.  Abusers are the only ones responsible for the abuse they inflict.

I know it can be hard sometimes wondering why this person who was supposed to love you inflicted so much pain on you.  If you’ve been in more than one abusive relationship, it’s also natural to assume you’re the problem.  After all, you’re the common denominator in the relationships so you must be the problem, right?  Wrong.

I used to think these same things.  It took some time, but the more I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & the more I healed, the more I came to realize that the monsters who abused me did so because something is VERY wrong with them, not me.

Something else to keep in mind about narcissistic abusers.  Narcissistic parents work hard from the day their child is born to mold that child into whatever it is they want the child to be.  In fact, many only have children to make themselves little “mini mes” to use so they can procure narcissistic supply.

As for narcissistic romantic partners, they’re not any better.  They choose partners for utterly selfish reasons.  They choose people who they think can make them look good somehow, or that they can change into something they’re not.  Narcissists do love having that power over people to make them do their will.

In both the case of narcissistic parents & partners, the victim has nothing to do with why they were abused.  Children are convenient & easily pliable especially by their parents.  Romantic partners are chosen because they have good qualities that the narcissist thinks will make them look good.  Keeping this in mind, how can anyone think that the abuse they endured was their fault!?  It’s impossible!

Dear Reader, I hope you realize now that you have absolutely NO responsibility in the abuse you endured.  Your abuser is the one who is responsible, not you.  Please let go of any thinking that tells you it’s all your fault, because it is NOT your fault!  Nothing you said or did could have convinced the narcissist in your life to stop abusing you & to treat you right.

10 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

10 responses to “Why Did My Narcissistic Parent Or Partner Abuse Me?

  1. Thank you. I needed this.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. “Something about you brings out the worst in people.”

    This is what my abusive mother told me after my first husband punched me, pushed me into a wall mirror, causing it to shatter, then knocked me to the floor and kicked me several times with his steel-toed work boots while I was lying on the pile of broken glass. “Something about you brings out the worst in people.”

    What horrible thing had I done to “provoke” him to physically attack me? That day was my 17th birthday, and I had woken up in a very happy mood, anticipating that something good would happen that day. With a big, happy smile on my face, I had asked my husband if we could celebrate the day by doing what we had done when we were dating: drive thirty miles into Springfield and go see a movie, then get a hamburger and a milkshake at the A&W drive in, after the movie. I thought my suggestion was something that he would enjoy as much as me.

    We had been married exactly two months and five days. I had surprised him with a homemade cake and some fishing tackle that I knew he wanted on his birthday, three weeks and one day after we married. He had loved his birthday cake and presents, so I assumed he would want to do something nice for me on my day too. I knew he had the day off from work, and I knew that he had gotten paid the night before.

    But he beat me for having the nerve to ask him for anything beyond the groceries he bought each week and the rent he was paying for our tiny one room efficiency apartment. “What do you want from me, the MOON?” he yelled, while he was kicking me as I was lying in a ball on the broken mirror glass.

    Apparently, he lacked the vocabulary to simply say “I’m so sorry, Honey. But now that we are married and I’m not living rent free in my parents’ house anymore, after I put gas in the car, pay the rent, and buy a few groceries, I don’t have enough cash left to drive all the way into the city, purchase two movie tickets, and buy two hamburgers and milkshakes. I can’t even afford a milkshake.”

    I would have totally understood and made the best of things, if he had said that. But being beaten and screamed at, made no sense at all.

    “Something about you brings out the worst in people.” For years I believed that was the truth because yes, I was the common denominator in more than one relationship where I was abused. It had to be my fault! I had too many faults. I got on people’s nerves!

    But, you know what? EVERYBODY has faults. Every mortal human being who has ever lived on this planet has made mistakes sometimes. We are all stupid and mistaken now and then. We all sometimes say or do the wrong things. Jesus Christ was the only perfect person who ever lived. And I am certainly not him!

    Being imperfect never gives anyone the right to abuse me, or to abuse you. Making mistakes, doing something ignorant or thoughtless, saying the wrong thing, getting on somebody’s precious nerves — none of these things ever gives anyone the right to abuse anybody.

    Yeah, and I wasn’t talented enough to read my first husband’s mind, either. He never had told me how much money he made. He hadn’t told me how little he had left after paying rent, buying groceries, and filling the car with gas. I had been able to give him a great birthday, because my mother had given me a book of coupons, called S&H green stamps, as a wedding gift. So I had gotten a ride to the redemption center, where I traded those stamps in for the fishing equipment that I knew he wanted. But he did not have anything like that to use for my birthday.

    All he had to do was say, “I’m sorry, now that my paycheck has to cover the rent, etc, I can’t take you out like I did when we were dating. I wish I could!” I would have understood and I would have made the best of the day, anyway.

    “Something about you brings out the worst in people.” This is a LIE from the pit of HELL. No, I am not a perfect human being. Nobody on this earth is perfect! But I try my best to do what is right, and even when I fail, even when I mess up, like we all do sometimes, no one has the right to ever abuse me.

    I know that I have told you this story before, Cynthia. But when I read this post, it all came pouring out of me again.

    “Something about you brings out the worst in people.” — EVIL LIE from HELL.

    *****You know why abusers blame their victims? Because if they can’t blame us, they have to blame themselves. And they don’t have the courage, or the strength, to live with that kind of true guilt.*****

    Get behind me, Satan.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ouch!!! What an awful thing to tell you! So it was your fault for bringing out the worst in people but she couldn’t even tell you what that awful thing about you was.. good grief! That is so cruel! I’m so sorry she said that to you!!

    And for the record, your ex was a monster. Just an observation.

    “something about you brings out the worst in people” is truly a lie from the bowels of hell. The worst, most awful person in the world can’t force anyone to abuse them. Not gonna happen. And yes, that is precisely why abusers blame victims. Abusers are cowards at heart.

    You’re a brave & strong lady, having survived what you have. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks. But the truth is, I’m really not that strong. I’ve had a couple of severe nervous breakdowns, the first when I was fourteen years old. The reason that I have survived is because a few very caring people figured out what was happening in my narcissistic family, and went far above and beyond the extra mile to help me. I literally owe them my life.

      You mentioned my mother telling me that the fault was mine, but not telling me specifically what my fault was. Yes, she started doing this when I was around four years old. “I love you, of course, because you are my daughter. I just don’t like you.” She would say this every once in awhile, just out of the blue. I could walk into a room or come inside the house to go to the bathroom, and she would say it. “I love you, of course, because you are my daughter. I just don’t like you.”

      I was either ten or eleven when I finally got up the nerve to ask her, “Mama, why don’t you like me?” I was hoping to fix whatever was wrong with me, you see.

      “It’s just you, it’s just the way you are,” she said. Later, she added: ” It’s the way you think!”

      How do you fix that? How does anyone?

      My mother was badly broken, I know that. As for my ex, well, the last I knew, he and his second wife were teaching a marriage class in a church, and posting their classes on YouTube. Yes, I believe it is possible for even the worst sinner to find salvation in Christ. But, where is my apology?

      Like

      • Having nervous breakdowns doesn’t mean you’re weak. I’ve had 5, 3 of which were quite severe. I think they aren’t a sign of weakness but of having been through some pretty horrific stuff.

        Another awful thing to tell you! Your mother is a cruel woman.

        No one can fix that. It’s just so sad you felt you could fix the relationship with your mom at such a young age. Seems to be how kids think though- if there’s a problem with a parent, they think it’s their responsibility & they must fix it.

        I truly hope your ex is saved… whether or not he is though, I’d guess you won’t get any apology. He just sounds like someone who wouldn’t apologize from what you;ve said about him. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

        • Wow, I would never have guessed that you’ve had any breakdowns. And agree, it isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of horrific experiences. Like Dr. Frankl said, an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.

          When I said that I have had a couple of nervous breakdowns, I meant that as a euphemism for “several.” The worst was the first. But today I am doing great, thanks to the Lord, some excellent therapy, reading a lot of good self help books, and the empathetic, loving people in my life.

          Like

          • I don’t talk about them much but yep, I’ve had 5. The first was the worst.. I was catatonic for about 5 hours. It happened after my mother screamed at me then when my father came into the room, she started screaming at him. Both were so self absorbed, they didn’t even care. Fun times.. @@ And yes, Mr. Frankl was absolutely right about an abnormal reaction.

            Geez.. I’m so sorry you had several breakdowns! They are awful, aren’t they? Do you have this feeling after like your brain is kinda reset or rebooted? I’ll admit, I do like that.. it’s like suddenly I can face things better. Strange!

            Thank God for giving you the things you’ve needed to heal! He does the most incredible things, doesn’t He?! 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            • Yes, to the reboot feeling. And yes, God does incredible things!

              The last time my mind shattered was during my last divorce, about 18 years ago. I felt so utterly overwhelmed, that I couldn’t even stand or sit up. I lay down on the floor of my study, and as I was lying there, I felt my mind shatter. I actually heard the sound of broken glass. I knew that wasn’t possible, but still I heard it. Later, I was talking with a friend who had PTSD, and he told me that had happened to him once, when he felt, and heard, his mind shatter.

              I tell you what, if you and I can survive something like that, we can survive anything!

              Liked by 1 person

              • Mind shattering.. wow. That is an amazing description! It’s perfect! That is what it feels like! Pretty incredible you heard the sound of broken glass. Wow! I haven’t… but I felt like my mind was like an incandescent bulb just before blowing out. You know how they’d get brighter & flicker a bit then POOF! burned out? A former friend of mine had them too & he said he heard “crackling” sounds right before it happened.

                That is the truth! If we can survive that, we can survive everything! After my first one? I went to work the next day. It happened just past 2 a.m. & I was catatonic til about 7. Had to be at work at 8. Somehow I did it but I don’t remember that day at all.

                Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to CynthiaBaileyRug Cancel reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s