How A Narcissist’s Projection Can Work For You

Most of us who have survived narcissistic abuse know at least some about projection.  Projection is when a narcissist accuses a victim of something that the victim doesn’t do, but the narcissist does.  As one example, my narcissistic mother accused me of lying more times than I can count.  Although in all fairness I lied some to her, I didn’t lie to her often, & when I did, it was out of self preservation.  She, however, has lied to & about me more times than I can count.

Projection is a very effective weapon for a narcissist.  It allows the narcissist to get upset about the flaw they are accusing another person of while simultaneously accepting no responsibility whatsoever for it or making appropriate changes in their behavior.  It also means that unless the victim is aware of the phenomenon of projection, the victim will listen to the narcissist & make whatever changes they need to in order to please the narcissist.  This means plenty of narcissistic supply to any narcissist.  Controlling a victim?  Turning a situation around so the victim feels responsible while absolving oneself of responsibility at the same time?!  This is a big narcissistic supply win!

Victims need to be aware of projection so not only do they refuse to accept this burden & blame any longer, but also so the narcissist in their life is deprived of getting their narcissistic supply.  Depriving a narcissist of supply is VERY important to help you maintain your sanity while in a relationship with any narcissist.

Another reason to know about projection is because it can help you to learn about the narcissist.  Remember what projection is- a narcissist accusing a victim of things that they are doing, not the victim.  A narcissistic wife who accuses her husband of cheating is most likely cheating or at the very least, has chosen someone she wants to have an affair with.  The narcissistic boss who accuses an employee of stealing from the company probably has stolen quite a bit.  A narcissistic parent who accuses their adult child of lying is most likely a liar.

If you pay attention to what the narcissist in your life accuses you of doing, you can learn what they are up to.  This knowledge can help you to figure out ways to deal with the narcissist because now you know just what you’re dealing with.

The next time the narcissist in your life accuses you of some outrageous behavior, Dear Reader, I urge you to listen to it.  Not because they are right, but because it can help you to understand what they are up to.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

16 responses to “How A Narcissist’s Projection Can Work For You

  1. You are so right in every way. Both with my mother and my husband’s ex wife, I have had to deal with these exact same scenarios. It’s unfortunate, but it feels so good to hear this and see it. It’s incredibly validating. What’s more infuriating is during their projective behaviors they reach that point where they’re tired of being called a narcissist or feeling that it is implied of them, and they start calling you the narcissist! (facepalm)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you!

      Ugh.. sounds miserable, dealing with them both!!

      It is validating when you learn others go through the same thing. Heartbreaking too since you know how they feel at the same time.

      I totally agree! I never called any narcissist in my life a narcissist to their face, but I do know when I’d call them selfish, liar, etc. they’d spin it around to where I was the selfish one, lair, etc. I have zero doubt they would;ve called me a narcissist like you experienced if I’d mentioned that.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’ve never called anyone a narcissist to their face either, but it’s been insinuated by posts, and they’ve felt targeted. I find that hilarious because they’re convinced narcissism posts are about them… sit with that for a min. I laugh… it’s about all we can do. But boyyy do they make it hard to!

        Liked by 3 people

        • I’ve seen that too in posts. One narcissist in my life did something similar. I’d written a post some years back about forgiveness not being what narcissists think it is, & somehow in a comment with a follower, we spoke about how some of them try to bully victims into staying in a relationship with them. My narcissist (who I’d gone no contact with a few months before) texted me & said “That is a crock!! I never did that to you!!” It actually made me laugh.. I wasn’t even thinking of her when I discussed that! She did that but still. Anyway I found it funny she assumed I meant her.

          Liked by 2 people

          • Precisely! The mind is focused so much on themselves, that when they read something that comes from us – in their mind – it’s got to have something to do with them. What the mind wants, it will create. In my posts I may or may not have been talking about her, but I more was sending a message out into the void, and a lot of other women and men felt those words and it resonated with them. That was my intention. To create a community where I felt those like I could be free to express themselves and what they were going through in order to find peace and support. But it was about her, in her mind. I just have to laugh about it, because if I don’t I’ll go mad.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Yeah. My mother used to accuse me of not caring about other people’s feelings. And my husband is always accusing me of being irresponsible with money.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ibikenyc

    My World, and Welcome to It!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes. 100%. Great post, Cynthia!


  5. Great post! I didn’t know what hit me when this happened. I am so glad that you share your experiences- very validating.


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