When To Speak Up &When Not To Speak Up To Narcissists

A very difficult subject is when should you speak up & when shouldn’t you speak up with a narcissist.

Anyone with any experience with a narcissist knows that most of the time, it’s easiest just to stay quiet.  Speaking up can trigger a narcissistic rage or a victim act (“How can you be so mean to me!?  I was just trying to help!”).  Or, if you’re angry when you confront the narcissist, there is narcissistic supply, because he or she feels powerful because of upsetting you so much.  And, since whatever they did upset you, they know to do it again & again to keep procuring their precious supply.  This kind of nonsense can make anyone want to avoid confronting a narcissist, no matter what they do.

Yet, failing to confront a narcissist indefinitely only makes you miserable while they get away with their outrageous, abusive behavior.  Talk about a no win situation!

The best thing I have learned to know when to confront a narcissist & when not to is by maintaining a close relationship with God.  He enabled me to know when & what to say to my narcissistic parents, & when to say nothing.  Sounds simple, I know, but it’s true.

When I knew I was going to see my parents, or they would call & I’d see their number on the caller ID, I would ask God to give me the words I needed & to help me get through the conversation.  That’s it.  And it worked every time!

There were plenty of times when my parents would say something hurtful & I knew in my heart that this was not the time to speak up.  Knowing that helped me to stay quiet & pretend I didn’t notice the abusive comment.

When I did need to speak up, though, God gave me exactly the right words I needed & the courage to say them.  The last time I spoke to my mother was May 5, 2016, which was also one of the last times I spoke to my father.  As I have mentioned before in this blog, we got into a huge argument that night, first my father & I argued, then my mother & I.  I went into the conversation having a fairly good idea it wasn’t going to be pleasant, but I had no idea I’d end up telling my parents off!  God knew though!  Later when I prayed & apologized to Him for my behavior, He said, “Your parents needed to see that.  They needed to know that their actions could make their normally calm & reasonable daughter would act that way.”

That close relationship with God has been a true lifesaver for me in knowing when to confront, & when not to confront, but, I realize not everyone reading this shares my faith.  For those of you in that position, I recommend learning all you can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder & your narcissist.  If you study this person, I would guarantee you’ll find that he or she only has a few moves in their repertoire.  Most narcissists are that way.  While most narcissists are quite intelligent, they also aren’t overly creative.  They have a few weapons that get them what they want & use them over & over.  Learning what those weapons are will help you a great deal in that you will be prepared for what they most likely will do in most any situation.  It’ll also help you to know whether or not to confront this person & what most likely will happen if you do.  Preparation is a wonderful thing!

I know the tips in this post are pretty simple, but they really can be of a great help.  I wish you the best in your situation!


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

9 responses to “When To Speak Up &When Not To Speak Up To Narcissists

  1. I am curious if you have ever come across talks about the “Jezebel spirit”?


    • Some, yes… Sister Renee Pittelli from Luke 17:3 Ministries discusses it periodically & knows much more than me on that topic. I just checked her site & didn’t see any articles on it. I know there is some info on her FB page though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ibikenyc


    I have, finally, defaulted to saying as little as possible about anything to Mr. Happy because when I mention something I don’t like, he seems to do that thing all the time, and when I mention something I do, he never does it again or, worse, mocks / ridicules / invalidates it at every turn.

    (Reference “Compassion for other people, but not for you” in your post “The Narcissist’s Arsenal.”)

    Thank you for reminding me to “just” stop and ask for help.

    Now I know why, sometimes, speaking up feels like The Thing To Do.

    We Shall Overcome! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I had a thought today I feel comfortable sharing here. I think I have to view my narcissistic mother the way a parent might view their child who is a drug addict. Narcissistic supply is the drug. You’ve tried every other option to the point where you have to that cutting them off is the only option. It hurts, because you want to help. But “helping” never helps. The only thing that can be done is the tough love of cutting them off. You have to do it for you. But you also have to do it for them. Just a thought.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Wow! This article just blew my mind. Such an amazing read.Thank you for the value offered here:-)

    Liked by 2 people

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