About Coercive Control

Narcissists clearly are experts in the area of controlling.  One lesser known tactic they use is called coercive control.  It is most commonly known to happen in romantic relationships, but it also can happen in parent/child relationships.

Coercive control doesn’t always involve physical violence, yet victims wonder if they don’t obey the narcissist, will it turn violent one day?  Fear is a great weapon, & those who use coercive control are well aware of that fact.  Often without so much as touching their victim, they instill a deep fear in them.

There are other signs of coercive control that people need to be aware of abusers using.

Intimidation is a big red flag.  Towards the end of my first marriage, my ex was trying to intimidate me by punching things other than me.  After, he would tell me how lucky I was he was hitting the walls instead of me.  Other forms of intimidation can include showing weapons, blocking you from leaving the room or standing over you in a way as to make themselves look much bigger than you.

“Minor” violent acts.  I hate to use the word minor with violent acts because it sounds like it’s trivializing violence.  That isn’t my intention.  What I mean is acts like pushing, holding you in place or even pinching hard.  These are so called minor violent acts.

Using threats to control.  Threatening to leave you, to commit suicide or hurt your child or pet in order to get what they want fall into the category of coercive control.

Micromanaging a victim.  When someone controls things like how you dress or how you wash the dishes, it makes you easy to control because in time, you feel as if you must ask your partner for permission to do everything.   Some parents continue treating their adult child as if they were young children in need of their guidance well into adulthood.  This is known as infantilization.

Financial abuse.  An abusive partner will keep their mate in the relationship by destroying their credit, spending all of their paychecks or refusing them all access to the couple’s finances.

Isolation is another form of coercive control.  It’s no secret that abusers isolate their victims.  Isolation makes victims easy to control by limiting the information & support they can receive from outside sources.  Abusers may claim their victims’ friends or family aren’t good for them as one way to isolate their victims.

Sex is a very commonly used method of coercive control.  Abusers may violently rape their victims of course, but that isn’t always the case.  Many use shame, saying things like, “Any other woman in the world would do this one little thing for me…” or, “If you loved me, you would do this for me.”  They also may be very good lovers at first to get you hooked on sex with them, then in time, they suddenly lose interest in having sex with you.  When you practically beg them is when they have power over you.  They use the opportunity to tell you what they want from you that will make them regain interest in sex.

When things like this happen, it’s not easy to identify these behaviors as abusive at first.  Abusers get worse gradually, to build a victim’s tolerance to abuse.  This is probably why so many victims stay… it happened so gradually, they didn’t even realize it was happening.  By the time they did, they felt unable to escape.

If this describes you or someone you know, please get out NOW!!!  These behaviors are all signs of a potentially violent person!  Protect yourself & stay safe!  xoxo

21 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

21 responses to “About Coercive Control

  1. ibikenyc

    Thank you, Cynthia, for these regular spot-on reality checks ❤

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  2. Hello, Cynthia. As I read this it sent chills down my spine, because of everyone of the points you posted, I was a victim to over the course of an 8-year relationship. It was daunting, and because of the situation growing worse over the last year and half of that relationship, I was suicidal. (Note: Not all of it was his fault, I was an alcoholic with my own mental illness, but had not known about my own mental illness during this time).
    It took years to overcome the treatment I was subjected to, lost several thousands of dollars, lost my self-worth, self-esteem, and most of all… I ended up loathing myself.
    Thank God, that relationship finally ended in August 2015. I was homeless and had an uphill battle to reclaim my life. But, I did survive it and I busted my butt to get to where I am now.
    I so appreciate you sharing this post with all of us. I hope you don’t mind, but I plan on reblogging this for more readers to read.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on Beckie's Mental Mess and commented:
    REBLOG: Cynthia, of “Cynthia Bailey Rug”, shares this post regarding Coercive Control by a Narcissist.

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  4. This is an excellent description of my ex. I was finally able to get free when he went 2000 miles away.
    Thank you for describing everything so well! You put feelings and actions into words I was struggling to find.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A.

    These are all great things to bring up! I experienced so many of these things in a past, long-term abusive relationship that at the time I didn’t even realize were forms of abuse. Even now I’m realizing things that were done to me that were a form of abuse even if it wasn’t always physical.

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  6. Sadly, I experienced every one of those in an 8 year marriage. I didn’t know it was abusive at the time, and my self-esteem went to an all time low. Thankfully, I got out, got support from a domestic violence center, and rebuilt my life!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: Working On Us ~ PTSD – King Ben's Grandma

  8. Pingback: About Coercive Control – Let Freedom Begin

  9. I am so happy that you wrote and shared this. I am starting my own healing process through blogging and this article is very helpful for me. I knew the abuse was bad, but now I can name the tactics he used against me. Thank you so much!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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