Some Thoughts About Grief

Two years ago today, my father passed away.  Naturally, the date has me thinking a lot.  I tend to overthink anyway so no big surprise there.. lol

One thing that came to mind is a poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye that my father liked….

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.”

Lovely, isn’t it?  It offers a great reminder that when someone we love has passed away, there are still things surrounding us that help us remember that person.  For example, when I see  butterflies, I think of my granddad, & monarch butterflies remind me of my father’s miraculous salvation at the end of his life.  They always make me smile.

When the person who died is a narcissist, it’s certainly understandable if you don’t want reminders of that person.  I understand completely, as sometimes reminders of my late parents are hard for me to handle.  However, if you have lost someone you love, those reminders can offer a great comfort.  They remind you that you can see your loved one again someday or of some good times you shared.

I’ve also come to realize that items hold energy.  I don’t mean things can be haunted like in scary old ghost stories.  What I mean is items that were particularly close to someone seem to hold a bit of that person’s “vibe” if you will.  For example, I have some of my paternal grandmother’s jewelry.  I love wearing it!  It brings me comfort, reminds me of her or good times we shared.  It’s as if I carry a bit of her essence with me when I wear it.

There also is a negative side to this.  If the person whose item you have was abusive, the item can make you feel bad.  I tried wearing some jewelry belonging to my narcissistic maternal grandmother.  It was pretty, I like pretty jewelry, so it seemed natural for me to wear it.  I quickly realized it didn’t feel right.  It also made me feel as if I carried a bit of her essence with me, but the problem was, unlike my other grandmother, she was cruel!  That wasn’t the vibe I wanted, so I stopped wearing her jewelry, pretty or not.

Considering all of this, I’ve come to believe that one thing that can help a person can get through grieving the loss of a loved one is having something of their deceased loved one’s.  I’ve also come to believe that if the person who passed away was a narcissist, it may help the person grieving to avoid their possessions.  It really depends on the relationship between the two parties involved.

I’m also not saying you have to cling to or avoid the deceased person’s item forever.  What I am saying is that I believe that it can be helpful when the death is recent & grief is at its most difficult place.  Since my father has been gone a while, now I can handle being around his possessions much easier than I could at first.

Grief is very hard & very painful, whether the person lost is someone you loved or a narcissist.  I sincerely hope this post gives you another helpful way to cope.  xoxo

4 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Caregiving, Mental Health, Narcissism

4 responses to “Some Thoughts About Grief

  1. You are such a kind person. I fear I most often envision a bonfire like Angela Bassett in “Waiting to Exhale”.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. ibikenyc

    That poem is lovely.

    I hope you’re doing okay today in spite of the significance of the date.

    I quite agree with you about things' having vibes / essences. Some would no doubt say that it's "just" our own projection onto those things, and that may be so, but in the end, it's our feelings that count.

    Liked by 2 people

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