What Does A Narcissist Mean When They Say, “My Sources Say You Did That”?

One of the most infuriating things I dealt with at the hands of my narcissistic mother when her abuse was at its worst was when she’d say, “My sources say you were seen doing *fill in the blank* today.”  Or, “I was told that you did *fill in the blank*.”  I would ask her who said these things & she would tell me it wasn’t my business, it didn’t matter or it wasn’t important.

It made me feel so paranoid, angry & even betrayed.  Paranoid because I wondered who would tell my mother these things that I hadn’t even done.  Angry that someone would tell her things I hadn’t done & she would believe I was capable of such things.  Betrayed because clearly this person knew me.. what if this was a close friend of mine?  My friends at the time knew about much of the abuse… how could any of them lie to my abuser knowing what happened when she was angry with me?!

Thankfully my mother stopped this after I moved out.  I honestly thought I was over it, too.  That is, until the spring of 2009, when one of my cousins & I had a falling out.  She had invited my husband & I for Christmas a couple of months prior, & I declined.  Apparently some time after, she learned that we took my parents to visit my father’s sister about a couple of weeks before Christmas & assumed that meant I spent Christmas with our aunt.  I explained that wasn’t the case at all, I wouldn’t do that to her.  Her response?  “Why are you lying to me?  My sources told me you spent Christmas with her.”  That was a big trigger for me.  All the old anger I’d felt at my mother came flooding back to the surface.  Apparently I wasn’t over it, & with good reason.

So many narcissists use this type of manipulation.  They accuse their victims of outrageous behavior, & say “my sources said you did it” or, “I was told you were seen doing that.”  When you try to find out who their mysterious sources are, they say it doesn’t matter, it’s not your business or you don’t need to know.  If you’ve been in this position, you know just how infuriating it is.  It’s bad enough being accused of something awful you didn’t do, but not to know who is saying you’ve done this makes it even worse.

You know something though?  The reason they refuse to divulge their “source” is because that person doesn’t even exist!  The accusations came from the narcissist’s warped mind, not another person.  The reason the narcissist is saying they were told you did this thing is to make you insecure, to make you think others are talking about you & ultimately to gain control over you.  It can make you feel as if everyone is against you, & no one would believe you if you tell the truth about the abuse.  I certainly felt that way with my mother.  It makes you lose hope & afraid of disappointing people close to you.  If the narcissist is especially good at this, you may come to believe that you did what the narcissist said you did.  This makes you easy for the narcissist to control.

If you end up in this position with a narcissist, remember what they are doing.  They don’t have “sources”.  They are simply making up lies in order to gain control over you.  Don’t get caught up in defending yourself to them, because they’ll only use that to prove how mentally unbalanced you are.  And question everything they say.  Even say something like, “Really?  What did I do then?!  I want to know!”  If a narcissist wants to act so foolish, then they deserve to be called out on their behavior & to know you know they’re lying.

8 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

8 responses to “What Does A Narcissist Mean When They Say, “My Sources Say You Did That”?

  1. ibikenyc

    This grinds my gears, too! Your SOURCES?! What are you, The New York Times?!

    Yeah, actually, it IS my business, since it’s me who they are talking about and who you are gaslighting!

    LOVE this: ” ‘Really? What did I do then?! I want to know!’ ” (Better be ready to duck, though, if you use it; LOL!)

    A version of this much-beloved in dysfunctional workplaces is the dreaded “Somebody SAID something.”

    Liked by 3 people

    • Right?! Yes, you’re the NY Times & should protect your sources. Of course.. LOL

      Again, right!!! When it’s ME that’s being discussed, I think that means I have the right to know who’s spreading the crap or gaslighting & your stupid self is too dumb to know it’s gaslighting!

      LOL I never had the guts to use it in my younger days but now I absolutely would ask what I did next! Go ahead.. get mad. Hit me. I’ll have your sorry butt thrown in jail!

      Ugh.. the workplace version. It’s so stupid wherever it comes from isn’t it?!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. The Brat

    My mother never had sources, she was the source just like in your story and whenever I would confront her the reply would always be the same, “I would never say something like that”. My mother was a gossip and loved smear campaigning and creating chaos! Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my goodness… it’s like they all took the same “How to be a Narcissist” correspondence course!

    My mother had “anonymous sources,” too. But my narcissistic ex went way beyond that: he claimed to be psychic, and he would have “visions” of me doing things that I never did. But he was absolutely positive that his “visions” were correct and I was lying.

    Whew. I’m so grateful I don’t live like that anymore!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s