What No Contact Is & Is Not

Many people I have dealt with seem to misunderstand what no contact really is.  Since others have experienced this too, I decided I would share some thoughts today on what no contact is & is not.

First of all, & yes, this is directed specifically at those who have said this nonsense to me.. no contact is NOT un-Christian.  Enabling bad & abusive behavior is un-Christian.  Tolerating abuse silently is un-Christian.  Never confronting someone about their abusive behavior is un-Christian.  If you don’t believe me, open a Bible.  As Christians, we are to love people.  Part of loving people is wanting what is best for them & helping them to be their best.  When someone doesn’t listen to another’s complaints, they need consequences to make them want to improve their behavior.  When normal consequences don’t work, no contact is a very viable option, even for those closest to a victim such as their own family & yes, even parents.

No contact isn’t about being unforgiving.  A person can no longer speak to someone & have forgiven them for their abusive ways at the same time.  Protecting one’s mental health has nothing to do with unforgiveness.

No contact isn’t taking the easy way out.  Far from it!  Anyone who has gone no contact with someone they love has suffered a great deal not only due to the abuse, but also making the decision to go no contact & living without that person.  If you disagree, consider my story.  I went no contact with my parents several months before my father died & almost three years to the day before my mother died.  Doing that & not being there for them when they needed me at the end of their lives was horrible.  If you think that was easy, you are very sadly mistaken!

No contact isn’t about trying to change someone.  Yes, you are giving that person consequences for their actions, but that doesn’t mean you are trying to manipulate them into behaving better.  You set that stage & it’s up to them to do with it as they want.

No contact also isn’t about not accepting someone.  It’s about accepting that person as they are, yet knowing you can’t have a healthy relationship with that person.

No contact has nothing to do with being disrespectful.  Rather it has everything to do with self respect, with respecting one’s self enough to detach from an abusive relationship.

No contact isn’t about hate.  Just because you have ended a relationship doesn’t mean you hate the other person.  You can love someone a great deal yet not be able to be in a relationship with that person.  Some people I’ve spoken with assumed I hated my parents because of being no contact with them.  Far from it!  I loved my parents a great deal.  It was how they treated me that I hated.

No contact isn’t about creating conflict or being dramatic.  Every single person I’ve spoken with who ended an abusive relationship, no matter who that relationship was with, wanted the exact same things I did: no further abuse, peace & a conflict & drama free existence.  When a narcissist’s flying monkeys go after someone who has gone no contact, fewer things can be more stressful & upsetting.  We try to avoid that at all costs!

I doubt there is anyone who truly wants to end a relationship with someone they love, even when that person is abusive.  That being said though, there are times when it’s necessary.  Some people are so toxic there is no other solution other than no contact.  Sadly, this even happens in families.  As I said, I ended the relationship with my parents.  They were simply that cruel & toxic.  It happens, unfortunately, so if it has happened to you as well, know you’re not alone.  Many of us understand!

8 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

8 responses to “What No Contact Is & Is Not

  1. The idea of the spider and it’s web was put into my head this morning as analogy of being like the narcissist. The idea that the narcissist is like a spider, and you want to like them, but they really only have the goal of getting you into their web, and then it never ends well. I want to do more research on spiders, but am curious if you have ever thought of this, or if there might Biblical analogies.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. ibikenyc

    And “The Scorpion and the Frog.”

    Liked by 3 people

  3. annealcroft

    Well, after sending my father a detailed email of all that he has done since my mother died that has been hurtful, damaging, cruel, and abusive of me and others, he sent an email tonight saying:

    “I find your emails very upsetting…At present I’m not ready to spend time with you so please don’t contact me….Whatever happened to love and honoring thy father?”

    We do not honor our parents by condoning their abuse, their committing adultery, their heresy, hypocrisy, their theft, their embezzlement, their lies. It is our moral duty to call them out on their iniquities. I have told him repeatedly that I tell him what he NEEDS to hear, not what he WANTS to hear, which is what his flying monkeys do. They tell him everything he wants to hear. That is not love. Where there are lies there is no love, and where there is no love, there is no God. In other words, the lie they live, the denial, is in essence, evil: live spelled backwards.

    But here, speaking of the spider metaphor, my father has been eaten alive by the spider widow whose web he got caught in. Speaking of where there are no lies there is no love.

    I realize, after the past month especially, that there are people who are so depraved that God no longer affords them His mercy. That being said, we do grieve the spiritual death of people who are still alive.

    Cynthia, what you say about loving your parents very much and how having to go no contact with them was so difficult for you so profoundly resonates for me.

    I would have done anything for my father but alas I realize that I can no longer do anything for him because he has literally sold his soul to Satan. He expects that I, too, must sell out, just as you said in a previous article: FEAR + OBEDIENCE = RESPECT.

    During this sacred season of Lent, what is most important is to “Offer it up” to God and let Him do the work. But the scars never go away.

    Like

    • I’m so sorry your father said that to you! That must’ve really hurt, even though probably you were expecting something like that.

      You’re so right.. it’s not honorable to tolerate their abuse & tell them only what they want to hear. Yet narcissists think that is honorable & nothing can change their minds about it.

      We truly grieve the death of people who are still alive & narcissistic parents prove that point. It’s a strange thing to experience isn’t it?

      I’m sorry you get to understand what I meant about how hard it was to go no contact but it was also necessary. It’s not a good place to be & I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! It’s one of the things that gets me about people who shame those who go no contact. They act like it’s so easy. Not even close!! It’s incredibly difficult & painful!

      Praying for you ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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