One Way To Stump Narcissists

Over the course of my life, I have dealt with quite a few narcissists.  They taught me many ways to deal with this personality.

One way I learned to deal with narcissists pretty successfully is to stump them.  How do you stump such a highly illogical person whose thinking makes no sense?  With cold, hard logic.

Narcissists feed off of the emotions of their victims.  It gives them such a feeling of power to control another person’s emotions!  That is why the Gray Rock method is so successful, it deprives the narcissist of feeding off the emotions of their victims because the victim keeps all emotions hidden from the narcissist.  This is what cold, hard logic does as well.

A person who is very logical doesn’t reveal what they feel.  They deal instead with nothing but the facts.  This can be very useful with narcissists.

As an example, let’s say the narcissist in your life wants you to do something that will create a financial burden for you yet not benefit you in any way.  The narcissist insists you need to do this & hand over your bank card right now.  But, what if rather than saying “no” outright you said something else?  What do you think would happen if you said, “I don’t understand something… how is this supposed to be a good thing?  Clearly, I’ll end up with a debt I’ll have trouble repaying.  Yet, I don’t see how this debt will benefit me.  Am I missing something here?  Please tell me how doing this will be a good thing.”  How would the narcissist in your life respond to this?  I would guess like many narcissists, he or she would be baffled.

Doing this can make a narcissist angry, naturally.  Going against their wishes always carries that risk.  That being said though, even the most malignant narcissist doesn’t want to look foolish.  They realize that raging against someone who is making sense can make them look foolish, so usually they won’t rage extremely.  They may throw out a few nasty comments, but that is all.  The good part is, their behavior  can change, & it often does.

If you wish to try using logic against the narcissist in your life, I would encourage you to give it a try!  Some folks are very emotional & not as logical by nature.  This may be a bit tricky for you, but you still can do it.  If it helps, think of your situation as if it wasn’t you involved, but instead was a friend who came to you complaining of this problem & looking for a solution.  What would you tell that friend?

Here are some phrases that can help you to get started being logical with the narcissist:

  • I get that if I do that it helps you, but I don’t see how it helps me.  Not trying to be selfish here, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to do that.
  • So you just said/did that thing that you know bothers me & you’re mad that I’m upset about it.  I don’t see why you have the right to be mad at me but I don’t have the right to be mad at you for doing something you know bothers me.  Would you explain that to me?
  • I’m really confused.  I don’t see how that is a good thing. Can you explain it to me again in a different way so I can see things from your perspective?

These suggestions are simple, but they can be surprisingly helpful.  And with time & practice, no doubt you’ll figure out even more phrases that will be beneficial.


Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

8 responses to “One Way To Stump Narcissists

  1. I used the gray rock method at my granddaughter’s wedding last July, where there were at least three narcissists in attendance. It worked very well, even with the violent former husband who had literally almost killed me twice, more than thirty years ago.

    Seats were not assigned, and this evil ex, who isn’t even biologically related to my granddaughter who was getting married, chose to plunk himself and his current wife down at the table directly across from me, where he remained throughout the wedding day, talking loudly to draw attention to himself. But I focused all my attention on my great-grandson and my granddaughter who were sitting on my left, and my grandson sitting on my right, and on the beautiful bride, my oldest grandchild.

    Gray-rocking my ex for two whole days of festivities and seeing, out of the corner of my eye, his increasing frustration, was actually fun! Definitely empowering. And, as his wife tried to take over everything and run the whole show, all the pre-wedding preparations, acting as if SHE was the grandmother of the bride, it was great fun to gray rock her, too, and run around the big Air BNB with my six-year-old great-grandson! Let her slave in the kitchen, as if there weren’t caterers to do the work! I had a blast. I wasn’t there to work or to take over as the boss of the workers. I was there to visit with MY family.

    Gray rock is super empowering! And the looks of increasing dismay and frustration on the faces of the three narcissists that I kept seeing out of the corner of my eyes, was icing on the cake! (The third narcissist is an aunt of my granddaughter, the bride’s, other side of the family. An elementary school teacher. Yikes, I pity her poor students.)

    Great post, Cynthia. ❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • That had to be HILARIOUS!!! Oh my.. to be a fly on that wall.. LOL! It really is fun when you win, isn’t it? & gray rocking is definitely a big win!

      Years before I knew anything about NPD, I was dealing with my now deceased covertly narcissistic mother in-law. She wanted me to do something for her one day. I could have, but I had a brief doctor’s appointment that afternoon & didn’t want to change my schedule for someone so awful. I told her I couldn’t do her that favor. She tried all kinds of stuff to get me to tell her what was so important that I couldn’t help her out. “Well, you must be doing something for your parents.” “No.” “I guess whatever you have to do is very important since you can’t change your schedule for meeeeeee….” “Yep.” “I guess I’ll have to see if there is anyone else who can help me since you can’t.” I gave her a blank stare in response. Stuff like that. By the time hubby & I left her about half an hour later, she was furious!!! Almost had steam coming out of her ears like in an old cartoon. But, she also knew she couldn’t act on her anger without looking foolish in front of her son & husband. Once I got to the car & we were out of her neighborhood, I had to laugh. Hubby didn’t find any humor in it at the time & was kinda mad at me for being so mean to his mother (thank God he’s changed since then!!) but even so, I still had to laugh! It was hilarious & AWESOME!

      Liked by 3 people

      • I totally love that. “Almost had steam coming out of her ears like in an old cartoon” — YES!!!!!!! That’s exactly how my ex, his wife, and the aunt looked! I could almost SEE the steam! Lol lol lol.

        After the wedding, my youngest son, his darling fiancee, and my younger granddaughter, not the bride, were talking together about how insufferable my ex’s wife, Aggie, was throughout the entire weekend, as she tried to take over everything and boss everybody when it wasn’t her place At All, to do any of that. They were saying they had never seen her like that. I just kept silent, because I didn’t want anything I said to get back to her, you know? Didn’t want to give her that satisfaction. Gray Rock All the Way!

        Hey, that might make a cool t-shirt. ‘Just Say NO to Narcissists’ on the front, and ‘Gray Rock All the Way’ on the back! But that would give away our strategy so, no. 😀

        Liked by 3 people

        • Isn’t that a beautiful moment, when you can almost see the steam?! LOL!!!

          Oh yes! Smart move. Gray rock all the way!!

          LOL! That would be an awesome tshirt! Too bad they’d realize what we’re up to with it though.. they’d no doubt end up furious because we think they’re narcissists & it would be ugly.

          Liked by 2 people

          • Yes, exactly, they would be furious for being thought of as narcissists.

            I saw that you liked my post about the younger woman at my church’s prayer meeting flipping out on me. From now on, when I see her at church or around town, I will be gray rocking her, too.

            The reason I had gone out of my way to show kindness to her for so long, was because she had told me a sob story about her life soon after we met, and she always had one upset or another to cry on my shoulder about, so I thought she had PTSD and was in a lot of pain and I wanted to help her. But after what she did Thursday evening, I think she is a histrionic narcissist, constantly manufacturing problems so she can remain the center of attention. What a miserable way to live. Well, I am not buying into her crap any more!

            Liked by 1 person

        • ibikenyc

          Now I have “Jingle Bells” stuck in my head; LOL!

          Liked by 2 people

  2. ibikenyc

    I recently picked up a piece of advice from a blog I read about dealing with difficult people in the workplace. The person wrote in about a co-worker (it might even have been their boss) who would randomly go off on and rage at them about stuff.

    The suggested response: “You seem very unhappy.”

    Unfortunately, I have had the chance to try this out. It worked like a charm!

    PS: In regard to highly-illogical, nonsensical thinking (and I swear I’m not making this up), I got argued with once and raged / sneered at twice in the past three days for suggesting that especially-thorough hand-washing is a good idea in light of the Coronavirus thing.

    Liked by 2 people

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