Thoughtless But Abusive Comments

Not everybody thinks about their words before speaking.  They just blurt things out.  Those thoughtless comments can do a surprising amount of damage.

Some thoughtless comments are listed below…

  • “You’re just like *insert disliked person here*”  Often a person tells you how crazy, bad, stupid, etc. that person is prior to telling you that you’re just like him or her.  Even if you love that person, the person telling you that you’re just like someone they think is crazy, bad, stupid, etc. hurts!
  • On the opposite side of the same coin… “Why can’t you be more like *insert person’s name here*?”  This can make you feel not good enough.
  • “*insert someone’s name here* has it worse than you do.”  This can make you feel guilty, ashamed or just plain wrong for being upset in the first place.
  • “You’ve always had it so easy!”  “You’re spoiled!”  “You’ve never had to work hard for anything!”  Really?  I seriously don’t think there is one person who has ever lived that hasn’t struggled in some way, shape or form.  This can make you feel like you should be ashamed of yourself if you’re struggling with something or if you’re given something.
  • “You’re depressed?  What do you have to be depressed about?!”  (or anxious or have PTSD) or, “Think happy thoughts.”  So many people think mental disorders are only about a person not thinking positively enough, not appreciating what they have or some other simple solution.  While yes, you can think wrong thoughts & make yourself depressed or anxious, many people have actual physical problems with their brain causing depression, anxiety & even PTSD.  No amount of “thinking positive” can fix those problems!
  • “It’s all in your head!” regarding mental illness.  Well, technically it is!  It’s in the name- mental illness.  People that say this often mean you’re imagining the symptoms & need just to get over whatever is causing those symptoms.
  • “Don’t be so selfish!”  Narcissists in particular love this one.  Thinking of your needs & having boundaries isn’t selfish.  Neither is prioritizing yourself over demanding self centered people.  “Don’t be selfish” coming from a narcissist is nothing more than projection.  If someone you don’t think is a narcissist says it, it could be a red flag.  Pay attention to what this person says & does to determine if the person is a narcissist or if they’re actually right & you are being selfish somehow.
  • “You’re so shy/quiet!”  This shaming statement can make you feel wrong or broken for being an introvert.  People fail to realize the world needs talkers & listeners.  If everyone talked a lot, who would listen?!  Everyone would be too busy talking to listen to each other!
  • “But that’s your MOTHER!” (or father or whichever random relative you’ve gone no contact with)  People say this like we’ll respond by saying, “OH!  I hadn’t thought about that!  You’re right!  I’ll go fix everything right now!”  We *know* this is our mother or whoever.  In fact that reason is precisely why they have hurt us to the point they have.  Obviously we care more about those close to us than total strangers.  No contact was a very painful decision to come to, & this comment can make us feel ashamed & wrong for choosing that option.
  • “Are you sure you want to do that?  I mean, it’s a lot of work..”  This could be about anything- painting your home, going back to college, changing careers or starting a family.  In any case, it comes across as if the person saying it doesn’t think you’re capable of doing that task.  Hopefully it’s said without malicious intent & only with concern for you.  Sometimes though, it’s said with malice in order to instill doubts in you & make you feel incapable.
  • After someone has died.. “You should be glad she’s not in pain anymore.”  Really?  Ok, we’re all glad that someone’s suffering has ended when they died.  If we’re both Christians, we’re also glad we’ll see them again one day in Heaven.  However, how about letting us have some time of grieving because we miss that special person?  Grief is normal when you lose someone you love & no one should shame you for it!

Of course there are plenty more thoughtless statements but these are just some examples.

When people say such nonsense, I find it useful to remind yourself that not everyone is compassionate.  Some people are also simply thoughtless.  No, they aren’t deliberately mean spirited- they just don’t think that much about how their words affect other people.  Others may be having a bad day & were too preoccupied to consider what they were saying at that specific time.  And, some people are narcissists.  They simply enjoy hurting you as much as possible or they’re so self-absorbed, they don’t even think of how what they say will affect you.

In any case, what people say isn’t your fault or a reflection on you.  Also, you can’t count on people to be validating at all times.  You have to learn to validate yourself.  It’s one of the best gifts you can give yourself!

31 Comments

Filed under Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

31 responses to “Thoughtless But Abusive Comments

  1. Cindy Smith

    I know! I recall one time when the kids were little,I said I was tired,and my mom said,”I wish I was your age!”,like I didn’t have a right to be tired.Running a house and taking care of a husb.and 2 small kids can do that to you

    Liked by 2 people

    • UGH!!! I hate those comments!!!

      When I was 19 & my mother threw me into the wall, no one believed my back hurt me. Doctors & others told me they thought I was faking it. Only my chiropractor believed that I was in pain. Some even said the “you’re too young to have back problems” crap.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Cindy Smith

        That stinks! I’m glad the Dr believed you

        Like

        • Me too.. I really liked her. No injuries showed on Xrays (all 60 of them!!) so I suppose that’s partly why no one believed me. In spite of it, she could see I had pain & tried anything she could to help me. It was such a relief she believed me because so many people accusing me of faking it made me wonder if that was the truth! Now, all these years later I still have doubts about any health issues partly from them & partly from my mother. I often think, am I really faking it? It’s been really bad with the Carbon Monoxide Poisoning. Ridiculous really.. no one should have to feel that way.

          Like

          • Cindy Smith

            I agree.And co2 poisoning is a real thing.
            I wonder if you had some hairline fractures that just didn’t show up.and or some muscle damage that didn’t healproperly.Not everything shows up on x rays.Just a thought

            Like

            • It absolutely is. It still infuriates me those at the hospital acted like it was no big deal. I don’t think they knew anything about it. One nurse said “Your arterial blood gas is only just under 16. That’s not so bad.” Well not really but that was also 2 hours + after exposure & co2 leaves the body quickly. I also had oxygen so it left even quicker. No telling what my ABS level was at its highest.

              It’s entirely possible. Hard to say. :/ My chiropracter told me I also had a slight case of scoliosis, the S kind, so I can’t help thinking that’s why the injury was as severe. If your spine is out of allignment, I’d assume your back could get hurt easier than if it was normal.

              Like

              • Cindy Smith

                With so many ppl having fireplaces and gas heat,you’d think they’d know more about it.Hub has slight scoliosis as well,although he hasn’t had a severe injury like you had.I’m sure that’s very painful!

                Like

                • You’d think but I think that it’s rarely mentioned. Usually the news reports that someone “Got sick from a malfunctioning furnace” or something like that. The term Carbon Monoxide Poisoning is seldom used. They also don’t mention the seriousness of it.

                  He does? My heart goes out to him. Slight doesn’t seem to be too painful (at least for me), but it’s scary when you realize it doesn’t take much to jack up your back. Usually though my only problem is I can’t carry a purse on my left shoulder- it falls off. LOL Weird, but hardly life shattering.

                  It really was. I thank God for healing me of that!

                  Like

    • Taking care of two small children is hard work. I am in my late sixties, but on an average day, I feel like I have more energy than I did when I was in my twenties and I had two toddlers running me ragged!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Great post, Cynthia. I especially like your advice to validate yourself. I needed that reminder right now. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!

      It’s so important to validate yourself. Not like you can count on any other human being to validate you perfectly, so you have to do it yourself

      Are you ok? ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m more okay than not, thanks for asking. Right now my husband and I are both mildly sick, but we think it’s probably just our usual allergies and maybe also a mild cold. No fever in either one of us, just coughing, sneezing, runny nose, teary eyes, and feeling very tired. We are staying home, to be safe. Didn’t go to church yesterday, and my husband cancelled an appointment he had today. We do need to get some dog food soon, though. Maybe I can find a way to get it delivered, before they run out.

        I am also still feeling the pain of what happened last Thursday evening at our church. I saw that you liked it, so I won’t bore you by retelling the story. But man. A narcissist at a church prayer meeting. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

        • Duh, that’s what I get for writing a comment while I am on the phone. Can’t text with just half my brain, apparently. I meant to say that I saw you liked my post about the church situation. And also, I hope I can get some dog food delivered, before our dogs run out. I don’t expect the store to run out. Although, now that I think about it, with all the panic buying, it could happen!

          Like

          • That does sound like allergies. Ick.. nasty things that they are! Hubby has them & sometimes they take him down. Not even right! I hope you two feel better soon!

            Have you tried Chewy.com? I used to use them for my guy Zippy’s urinary friendly food. They have good prices & fast delivery. (Only reason I stopped had nothing to do with them- my vet started a similar website & I want to support him instead)

            Narcissists are everywhere, even in church, sad as that is to say. 😦 I’m sorry that happened to you. Just unreal…

            Liked by 1 person

            • Thank you!

              Yes, sadly, I learned about narcissists in church when I was a little girl. My severely abusive malignant narcissistic dad was the church pastor from the time I was 6 until I was 12, when he lost his faith and became a pot smoking, bike riding, womanizing hippie. And my mom was, and still is at 85, a holier than thou Bible thumping gospel singing preacher wannabe. And she was the worst abuser in my life, by far!

              I’m just sad because I hadn’t seen any obvious narcissism in this church that we started going to a little less than a year ago. But now, there it is. Ugh. Plus she called and left a voicemail Saturday morning saying, in a very snotty, condescending tone, that she was calling to apologize for HER part, but that I need to apologize for MY part. And Cynthia, I have prayed and searched my soul, and I really don’t see that I did or said anything wrong. I am usually very fast to admit wrong doing and apologize. But no, I am not going to in this situation. Not unless I am really blind right now, and God takes the blinders off.

              Liked by 1 person

              • I hate to sound like one of those “don’t feel that way!” people, so please forgive me if I come across that way… but don’t feel that way! LOL Narcissists are incredible actors! I’ve been fooled a few times since learning about NPD.

                If you have done all of that & still feel no conviction about anything you did, I think that means either you’re a narcissist (HAHAHAHAHA!!! Not even close!!!) or she is (clearly!). Since she seems to be, I wouldn’t offer an apology or any acknowledgment of wrong doing if I were you. Let her stew in her narcissistic injury.. that is her problem.

                Liked by 1 person

              • annealcroft

                Reading your message just now, it is heartbreaking that what we call “church” has turned into nothing but a dog and pony show. Even more heartbreaking that from the pulpit we have the evil of narcissism unleashed.

                This holy season of Lent I am trying to define for myself exactly what Jesus Christ’s intentions of His Church truly are. Though it may indeed be absolutely true that because the Roman Catholic Church is the only and original religion, that has become so hideously corrupt that it is impossible not to feel like a heretic now.

                No, you are not blind at all. God does indeed take the blinders off and it is our task right now to keep praying to Him to give us our sight and to make our heart just like His. I don’t know what more we can possibly ask for.

                Satan is loosed from his chains. The lies, deception, cruelty, immorality, within every faction of our society, especially right within our families, is astonishing. It is very difficult to contain our anger which I am finding one of the most important parts of this Lent season when I ask Jesus Christ to make my heart like His.

                Today I was told by my older sister, who is in lockstep with my malignant narcissistic father, that I am “delusional” because I am heartbroken that he has given my deceased mother’s jewelry to the married woman who helped put my mother in her early grave because my father began an affair with her long before my mother died. This woman just so happened to be the “church” secretary, the church where my father now goes where the minister, albeit an outed lesbian, practices Wicca at the altar. He has been giving them things for their tag sales that belonged to my mother — things of sentimental value like our Christmas ornaments. It’s all too heartbreaking for words, but “I” am delusional while “they” are not. Go figure. My father used to be Roman Catholic; he actually converted to marry my mother.

                It was in the desert, after all, where Jesus Christ encountered Satan. That’s where we are, in the desert.

                I guess if they think I’m delusional, I must take that as a compliment!!!

                Liked by 1 person

        • annealcroft

          Wish I’d caught your comment about the narcissist at your church. I am finding they hide under the pews in all churches like cockroaches. It’s getting to be epidemic. I’m also convinced that coronavirus is a euphemism for narcissism. It gets worse by the day, sorry to say.

          Something I read earlier today, in addition to this good post of Cynthia’s, has given me helpful, clear direction:

          “St. Bernard goes so far as to say that it is of no use praying for habitual sinners, but we must weep for them as lost. How can they, indeed, avoid the precipice which they no longer see? It requires a miracle of grace. These unhappy beings will open their eyes in hell, when it will be of no avail to open them, unless it be to weep the more bitterly over their folly.”

          http://www.religiousbookshelf.com/meditations-and-readings/day/2123-Monday-after-Second-Sunday-of-Lent.html

          I find the wisdom of St. Bernard and Cynthia liberating, healing, and validating.

          Blessings,
          AA

          Liked by 2 people

  3. ibikenyc

    Check, and MATE!

    Thanks for putting these all in one place. Think I’ll print this out and carry it in my wallet.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s