If You’re Struggling With Setting Boundaries Or Going No Contact With Your Narcissistic Parent

Many people have issues with setting boundaries or even severing ties with a narcissistic parent.  They say you are being mean, unreasonable, selfish.  In religious people, they may also throw in that you aren’t honoring your parent, & they quote Exodus 20:12 that tells us to honor our parents.  Or, in Asian cultures, they mention filial piety, which is respecting & caring for one’s parents being the highest of virtues.

People who say this sort of gibberish are either completely clueless or they’re narcissistic enablers.  Yet, in spite of that, sometimes victims are convinced that these imbeciles are right.  They stop using their boundaries, continue to tolerate the abuse, & are completely miserable.

If you are reading this & in this place of either wanting to set boundaries or go no contact with your narcissistic parent, but feel you are being selfish, mean, etc., you need to know that you are wrong!  I promise you that, & will show you why.

Although I don’t know much about religions other than Christianity, I do know that many of them seem to share one common belief, which basically boils down to, “you reap what you sow.”  Just look at what the Bible has to say about that…

 

  • Proverbs 11:25 “The generous man [is a source of blessing and] shall be prosperous and enriched, And he who waters will himself be watered [reaping the generosity he has sown].” (AMP)
  • Proverbs 19:19 “A man of great anger will bear the penalty [for his quick temper and lack of self-control];
    For if you rescue him [and do not let him learn from the consequences of his action], you will only have to rescue him over and over again.” (AMP)
  • Proverbs 22:8 “He who sows injustice will reap [a harvest of] trouble,
    And the rod of his wrath [with which he oppresses others] will fail.” (AMP)
  • Obadiah 15 “The day of the Lord is near for all nations.
    As you have done, it will be done to you; your deeds will return upon your own head.” (NIV)
  • 2 Corinthians 9:6 “Now [remember] this: he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows generously [that blessings may come to others] will also reap generously [and be blessed].” (AMP)
  • Galatians 6:7-8 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked [He will not allow Himself to be ridiculed, nor treated with contempt nor allow His precepts to be scornfully set aside]; for whatever a man sows, this and this only is what he will reap.
    8 For the one who sows to his flesh [his sinful capacity, his worldliness, his disgraceful impulses] will reap from the flesh ruin and destruction, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” (AMP)

 

These Scriptures prove that whatever a person does, good or bad, there are consequences.  It’s a natural part of life.

I realize as the child of a narcissistic parent or two, this feels so foreign.  After all, the child never should upset the parent, burden them with “trivial” things like their needs or let the parent face consequences of their terrible behavior.  However, this is so wrong!  God has made sure this reaping & sowing wisdom is mentioned repeatedly in His Word.  This has to be important to be mentioned many times, wouldn’t you agree?

If you think about this, I’m sure it’ll help you to realize that your boundaries or no contact aren’t you being an awful person, but simply the natural course of events.  That is what happened with me.  I felt bad for setting boundaries with my parents & going low contact. God reminded me of Galatians 6:7-8.  I thought about it & realized it made sense.  Every time I so much as started to feel guilty, I remembered that Scripture.  It was very encouraging!  So much so that I was finally able to go no contact with my parents.  I felt mostly sadness because this wasn’t how things should be, which I think is totally normal, but very little guilt.  Without realizing the principle of sowing & reaping, I don’t know if I could have gone no contact.  If I had, no doubt the guilt would have been about crippling!

Please consider this post if you are struggling with setting boundaries or going no contact with your narcissistic parent, Dear Reader.  You aren’t wrong, selfish, unreasonable, mean or anything else.  You have every right to do these things!

8 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

8 responses to “If You’re Struggling With Setting Boundaries Or Going No Contact With Your Narcissistic Parent

  1. annealcroft

    Cynthia, another home-run post. Thanks a million. This is terrific.

    Cynthia: ” Every time I so much as started to feel guilty, I remembered that Scripture. It was very encouraging! So much so that I was finally able to go no contact with my parents.”

    AA: My efforts since 2012 to pull my father out of the fire as he sold his soul to the devil Jezebel spirit, the married woman who seduced him into wholesaling his honor, his integrity, the memory of his deceased wife, the respect of his two daughters, family, friends, and most of all, God, have proven an exercise in futility.

    As tragically painful as this has been for me, given the bald fact that my father is an abusive, malignant, perverted narcissist, along the way God has never once failed to gift His Word Made Flesh, the living Bread, at every single turn, guiding and protecting me and assuring me that I was following His Diving Guidance along my pathway home to Him.

    For the past several days as I’ve followed the incredible discussion at “Living With High Functioning Mental Illness” I have wanted to jump in on the conversation though my mind has been reeling with past trauma resurfacing and identifying with all being said. I look forward, when I am not so exhausted and can gather my thoughts, to deliver a concise contribution to that discussion. Meanwhile, from the bottom of my heart I can only share that for me and for all of us who have survived the torturous abuse of the narcissists in our life, that it is only and ultimately Christ crucified on His Cross, our Redeemer and Savior, the great I AM, who delivers us.

    All of the proverbs you cite are remarkably relevant for those of us working out our salvation with fear and trembling. As I take every measure to disconnect from my father by nature, because he embezzled my inheritance, he managed to put me in financial footshackles that I pray without ceasing to God Almighty to be free of once and for all. Though he holds money that belongs to me, not him, let him keep it. Nothing is more important than to break free from his evil oppression.

    My point is, out task is to aspire toward absolute Faith that our Beloved Lord will deliver us from all evil and that when His time is right, He will serve His Justice.

    And that is what I pray for. I ask God to forgive me my inability to forgive Jezebel, the married woman who lusted after my father long before my mother died, who now mops the floor with him, who he gives my mother’s jewelry to, who he sold his soul to all for folly. I pray for Jezebel to be eaten by the dogs for what she did to my mother, to my family, to my weak-willed imbecile of a father, and for her other evils that poisoned other families, the local church, and in effect, the entire town. Yes, God, forgive me, may Jezebel be eaten by the dogs.

    I pray for my father, Dear God, though he is a malignant narcissist, forgive him, God, he knows not what he does. No matter what, he is still my father. Though I have no choice but to divorce from him for so many reasons, I still pray for the salvation of his soul, because that is my duty as a Christian. And that is all I can do, is to pray for the salvation of my father’s soul, and for the salvation of the soul of every narcissist walking the face of this earth, politician, priest, bishop, cardinal, pope, nun, and the list goes on.

    Narcissism is the pandemic we are dealing with. People can isolate themselves and put on their masks, but ultimately the pandemic we face is one of immorality and narcissism.

    It is only through the miracle of the Risen Christ that we, the victims, yes the victims, of the Pharisee narcissists, have been brought to believe in His Glory and Resurrection. They can close our churches. They can try to kill Christendom. They can hatch viruses in biolabs. They can never kill Jesus Christ no matter how hard they try. And the narcissist can never kill the love we have in our hearts for them because we believe in the salvation of souls.

    God, help us. Amen.

    Like

    • Thank you Anne ❤

      It really is a tough pill to swallow, knowing you can't somehow get your narcissistic parent to turn to Jesus. Remember though what happened with my parents. I prayed & God answered. They are in Heaven now which truly was not something I expected to happen. Really, all you can do is pray for your father's salvation & it's the best thing you can do. It's frustrating I know not to be more actively involved in it, but don't give up anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

      • annealcroft

        Cynthia, thank you so much. No doubt God has made you His patron saint for those struggling through the trauma that results from the abuse of the narcissists in our life.

        An acute “trigger” can set off a domino-affect that reminds me of the wonderful nursery rhyme when the cow jumped over the moon! All we can do, really, is cling to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and keep our sense of humor when the reality of the injustice our abusers perpetrate against us becomes so painful that only the strength and consolation of our Savior can pull us through and make sense of the suffering, the nails and spear that pierce us through.

        As for the salvation of my father’s soul, or that of any narcissist who is so proud, so stubborn, so self-righteous, that he has made himself God and thus refuses to repent, to apologize for the harm and abuse he has inflicted upon others that has so robbed them of their souls and ability to live life in a way that is happy and productive — our Constitutional freedom to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, then, from all I try to assimilate reading Scripture every day, and wherever our Blessed Lord guides me, it seems to me that there comes a time that God Himself makes His decision as to whether or not a soul shall be saved and though we may pray for the salvation of all souls, as is our Christian duty, it may be that my father already has made his decision and though I may pray for him still, perhaps, as Saint Bernard says, all we can do for them is “weep.”

        So often I am reminded of the words of our Blessed Lord when he speaks of Judas Iscariot, who literally “sold out” for 30 pieces of silver. What did our Savior say of Judas? “It would be better for him if he had not been born.”- Mark xiv:21.

        “Being disgusted with sin is not enough. We must also be repentant. The Gospel tells us, “Then Judas, his betrayer, seeing that Jesus had been condemned, deeply regretted what he had done.” (Matthew 27:3). But Judas did not repent in the true sense of the word. Rather, he had a change of feeling. He repented, but not to Our Lord; he repented unto himself.

        The latter is only self-hatred, and self-hatred is suicidal. To hate self is the beginning of self-slaughter. Self-hatred is salutary only when associated with the love of God.”

        The betrayal of Judas began at the Last Supper, when our Blessed Lord made clear that he would be with us forever under the species of bread, the Eucharist, His Word made flesh; that He would be with us always under the necessity of our Daily Bread. Did Jesus not know that Judas would betray Him? Did He not know from the beginning who were the ones who would truly believe in Him as opposed to those who would betray Him?

        Think of our role as the martyrs who have endured and survived the crucifixion of the narcissists — the Judas, in our life.

        We are a people peculiarly His own. We stumble and fall, At times fail miserably and repent, shamefully, of transgressions against Him. Most of all, we offer our heart to Him, begging to unite our pitiful little cross with His, and honored to suffer for the salvation of souls who crucify us as they continue to crucify Him.

        How can it any longer be “they know not what they do” when I have pleaded for years with my father to repent and turn away from the evil he sold his soul to. Forgive him God, whether he knows what he does or he doesn’t. Amen.

        Cynthia, and to all your blessed readers, May the Good Lord Bless and Keep You. +

        Thank you for your generosity and kindness. You have helped so many of us through very difficult times. There is a place in Heaven for you. Of that there can be no doubt.

        AA

        Like

        • annealcroft

          NB: The following quote from Archbishop Fulton Sheen, “Characters Of The Passion, Lessons on Faith and Trust.”

          “Being disgusted with sin is not enough. We must also be repentant. The Gospel tells us, “Then Judas, his betrayer, seeing that Jesus had been condemned, deeply regretted what he had done.” (Matthew 27:3). But Judas did not repent in the true sense of the word. Rather, he had a change of feeling. He repented, but not to Our Lord; he repented unto himself.

          The latter is only self-hatred, and self-hatred is suicidal. To hate self is the beginning of self-slaughter. Self-hatred is salutary only when associated with the love of God.”

          Like

        • Thank you so much, Anne!

          That really is the best we can do, cling to Jesus & also our sense of humor! Both are so helpful in dealing with narcissistic abuse.

          That is true, too.. some are beyond redemption. Honestly I thought that my parents were. But, I decided to pray for them as if they weren’t. Lost but not too far lost is how I prayed for them, if I can put it into words. Pleae do that for your father, too. The worst case scenario in such situations is that he continues to reject Jesus. But, if that happens at least you’ll know you did your best & can have peace about that.

          Thank you again for your kind words ❤

          Liked by 1 person

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