April 19, 2019 started quite the roller coaster for me. It was the day the police knocked on my door at 10 p.m. to tell me that my mother was found deceased in her home. I had no idea that this event would turn my life into something barely recognizable.
A couple of days later, I found my mother’s will, which is when I learned she not only left everything to me, but I also was to be her personal representative. I can’t express the shock I felt at learning this completely unexpected turn of events! I never expected to get any inheritance from her, let alone be her PR. Oddly though, it has done me a lot of good.
Personal representatives have a lot of responsibility & many details to attend to. As someone with a brain injury & C-PTSD which has given me crippling anxiety, I didn’t think I could do any of this, even with the help of my attorney. But you know what? I have! In fact, I’ve done a pretty good job at everything, including dealing with unexpected problems.
The emotional aspect has been incredibly difficult, too. Losing a parent is terrible for anyone, but add in the narcissistic element & it’s also complicated & confusing. I went into shock the night the police gave me the death notification, & it lasted for several months. Most of the time, I haven’t known what I felt. My moods would swing drastically & I had no clue why.
In spite of these very challenging things, not only have I survived, I’ve thrived. I believe it is all because of God.
The night of the death notification, I prayed probably the shortest prayer I’ve ever prayed. I simply asked God to help me & has He ever!
While making funeral arrangements, the funeral director mentioned he too is a Christian. He said he felt strongly that God wanted me to know that my mother is with Him, & everything is going to be ok, just trust Him. I know beyond any doubt that those things are true, too.
Since her passing, God has told me things that she wanted me to know. One thing was especially interesting. A few years before my mother’s death, she gave me a wind chime with dragonflies on it, saying she thought I would like it. It’s very pretty so yes I do! While visiting her grave shortly after her death, there were a lot of dragonflies buzzing around me. I suddenly got this strong feeling that my mother wanted me to think about what dragonflies symbolize when I see them & be comforted by that. I began to ask God if that was right, please give me a sign. About halfway through that prayer, the biggest one yet flew right in front of me! I researched the symbolism of dragonflies when I got home. Common thoughts are they symbolize hope, maturity, change, love, prosperity, & peace. Seeing them now does give me comfort, & I see them at unusual times, not only during the spring & summer months.
Also, I’d decided almost immediately to give my mother’s car to a friend’s son who was going to get his drivers license in a few months. Shortly after, I began to have second thoughts. When praying about it one day, God told me very clearly, “Your mother wants you to have & enjoy her car.” This car is definitely not my usual taste at all, but I have come to enjoy driving it. And, my friend’s son? He said he didn’t want me to have to hang onto the car waiting on him, so I should keep it.
Among all these rather strange events, I am happy to report that my anxiety levels are MUCH better than they were prior to my mother’s death. It still is there, but not in the crippling capacity it once was.
My point of sharing all of this with you, Dear Reader? I want to encourage you. If your narcissistic parent dies before you, it’ll be tough. But, with God, you’ll be able to get through it. You’ll come out so much stronger & be so much closer to God than ever. It may be the most difficult time of your life, but it will be worth it in the end if you just stay close to the Father. ❤