April 30, 2020 · 6:30 AM
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Why Narcissistic Parents Defend Their Child’s Abuser

 

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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

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8 responses to “Why Narcissistic Parents Defend Their Child’s Abuser”

  1. dougrross
    April 30, 2020 at 8:31 AM

    Interesting that your mother didn’t like your ex when she thought he was “on your side”. Once she saw he wasn’t, then she liked him. I’m not sure if this would be triangulation, but certainly she wanted to make sure you as a supply source was kept isolated.

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    • CynthiaBaileyRug
      April 30, 2020 at 8:39 AM

      Disturbing isn’t it? I must’ve been some really good supply.. seems the narcissists in my life (parents & others) wanted to keep me all to themselves.

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      • dougrross
        April 30, 2020 at 9:59 AM

        I am convinced that being the center of attention is the motivation for everything they do. It’s not that they hate us, or like our abusers. They just don’t want any attention taken off them.

        I’m not sure this example fully relates, but I feel compelled to mention it here. My stepfather died in September a few years back. When Thanksgiving rolled around, I reached out directly to my brother to work-out restaurant reservations. My brother has children from 2 marriages, so coordinating that was always an issue. But, we worked it out in a few texts.

        I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought I was helping my mother have one less thing to worry about.

        In retrospect, I realize now, that in my mother’s eyes, this was nothing short of treason. Before this, we had always looked to her for what to do for holidays – and it was always chaotic and a mess.

        I realize now that she actually liked us being confused, chaotic and unsure.
        This meant more phone calls, texts and attention on her.

        Attention on her was, is, and will always be the main goal.

        I called in “sick” to Thanksgiving that year.

        Since then, I’ve been as Gray Rock as possible.

        For other holidays, I’ve made up a story that I am poor and have to work temp jobs at warehouses like Amazon. These warehouses are so busy during the holidays that I just can’t turn down the overtime being offered.

        My mother doesn’t want to tell anyone her son is poor. I assume she is making up excuses for me now.

        In terms of God – I feel like I have been given the “Okay” to use this deceit. In the Bible, in times of war, the leaders had to use deception when they were dealing with deceitful enemies.

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        • CynthiaBaileyRug
          April 30, 2020 at 10:12 AM

          Truthfully I think narcissists can turn anything into narcissistic supply in a pinch, but being the center of attention does seem to be the favorite source whenever possible.

          I’m sure you were guilty of treason in her eyes! How dare you take over her domain, even if your intentions were good! Sounds like my mother in-law.. holidays were always hers, period, & God help anyone who threw a wrench into her works somehow. Even those with good intentions.

          Of course! Narcissists love confused & chaotic victims. They’re easier to control that way, so confusion, chaos & unsurity are wonderful things in their eyes.

          If you feel that way, I’m sure you’re right. I had similar situations with my parents where I felt I had God’s ok on being deceptive. I sometimes used my cell to call my house phone to trigger the call waiting so I could say my call waiting beeped- I had to go. And, when I had dogs, I’d ring my own doorbell to make them bark. Then I could say, “Don’t you hear Bear/Dixie/Danya barking? The doorbell rang.. I should go.” I hated using the deceit but unfortunately sometimes, such things are necessary. I also believe if God didn’t want us to do those things, He’d let us know.

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          • dougrross
            April 30, 2020 at 10:21 AM

            “Everything you say can and WILL be used against you” when it comes to the narcissist. The only way to truly hurt them is to give them no attention.

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            • CynthiaBaileyRug
              April 30, 2020 at 10:55 AM

              AMEN!!! Ignoring them makes their heads about explode. Love or hate them, fine but indifference is their kryptonite.

              One of my narcissistic cousins (I have several) harassed me for years after a disagreement. She first unfriended me on fb, then tried to get me to accept her back. I refused & blocked her everywhere I could. It was astounding how she behaved after that… ignoring her infuriated her. Apparently at first she thought I hated her so that was ok.. she could trash me to anyone who’d listen & all was fine. Me ignoring her & taking some power back was too much for her apparently.

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