Enmeshment

14 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Mental Health, Narcissism

14 responses to “Enmeshment

  1. Awesome video!

    One thing I would like to add is that creating distance also helps the narcissist to grow up and be on their own journey. With my Narc Mother, God put it in my head to “leave her at college”.

    The first scene TV’s “Girls” came to mind. The parents cut their selfish daughter off, and the series was then based on her journey. (link to that scene below).

    As I’ve shared before, while my stepdad was sick and after his passing, my narcissistic mother turned to me as her primary source of narcissistic supply. My instinct was to “help”, but I found myself so drained that I almost lost my identity.

    I now accept that my mother is 2 years old emotionally. She is only interested in me in terms of what I can do for her.

    I’ve since created distance by waiting until 6pm to call or text her back. My work is sporadic, but the 6pm rule is nice to create structure. (She is not interested in my work at all since it doesn’t reflect well on HER.)

    She has since created a network of old female friends and family members which she spends her days on the phone with.

    It’s interesting because back in the day, when she was pretty and “had a man”, she always viewed these other women as competition.

    Now, she mostly only calls me when she needs technical support with her computers or iPhones.

    Occasionally, on days she hasn’t gotten enough supply from her girlfriends, she will call me without a computer issue. On those days, I just let her talk about herself until she gets tired. I just say “uh huh”, “uh huh”, and “wow”.

    The Girls scene:

    On a side note,
    I just started watching “Edge of Seventeen” on Netflix. I think the Golden Child versus Scapegoat is apparent here, but I’m only halfway through.

    Like

    • Thank you!

      That is so very true. They don’t want to grow up & distance forces them to at least try to grow up. That’s another reason it can be a good & even honorable thing to go no contact.

      I haven’t seen either of those shows.. interesting!!

      Wow… that is wonderful! Sounds like your distance has worked out very well for you & your mother both! I did kinda have to laugh.. your “uh huh” comments.. I did the same with my mother. Not sure what else you can say when they ramble on..

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The idea of the parent trying to force us to parent them – was that a thing for you?

    Like

    • Omgosh yes… until no contact when I was 45 years old. I’ve often thought that was part of why I didn’t want kids- I feel like I raised my parents. It was utterly ridiculous. NOTHING stopped them from acting that way.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Same here! I didn’t feel equipped for one thing! And I also felt the crazy bloodline needed to be stopped – on both sides. I didn’t even want to be responsible for houseplants! But I am so grateful to God that because of an irresponsible friend, my cats came into my life! Like the movie “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson’s little dog, the cats have helped me “be a better man”! haha

        Liked by 1 person

        • I get that! After “raising” my parents & failing, I never felt equipped to raise a child either! I realized something else.. my mother did her best not to be like her ignoring/abusive narcissistic mother. And to her credit, she wasn’t like her mother… sadly though she went too far in the other direction & became engulfing & controlling. She also had that trait lots of narcissistic parents have where me growing up was seen as a betrayal & something I should never do, which fueled the controlling & engulfing I think, as an attempt to keep me a child forever.

          Stopping the bloodline is a good thing in some cases & yours seems to be one of them. It takes guts to go against what society thinks you should do (like having kids) & I applaud you for doing it!

          Cats have a way of doing just that, bringing out the best in us 🙂 I don’t know where I’d be without mine

          Liked by 1 person

          • Once I got the cats, I just wanted to what was best for them. Any “mother” that does not feel the same is evil. IMHO. Shortly after my stepdad died, I went on a trip and asked my mom to come over to “catsit”, like she and her husband had done numerous times before.

            There was construction work in the neighborhood while I was gone that caused a lot of Jack hammering and noise. My cats hid under the bed.

            Upon my return, my mother asked me how I was able to love animals that didn’t love me back.

            It hit me then what a selfish monster she was. I

            Liked by 1 person

        • ibikenyc

          I also SO hear you about the bloodline!

          Liked by 2 people

  3. ibikenyc

    HUBboy. Does this speak to me. Gonna be watching this over and over as I can.

    Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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