A Passive/Aggressive Way Narcissists Use To Abuse

One passive/aggressive tactic narcissists use to abuse victims is to be sure they know they aren’t good enough.

A common way narcissists do this is to make sure you know that no matter how good you are at something, someone is better than you at it.  Let’s say you own your own interior designing business & the narcissist knows this.  Most people would be impressed by that.  Narcissists are too, just not when it comes to YOUR business.  They may say something like, “Did you know that Sally owns her own interior designing firm?  She is so smart & talented!  She works so hard!  Never takes a day off!”

While the words aren’t said, the message is still clear: “Sally has real talent!  You aren’t as hard working, talented or business savvy as she is!  You aren’t worthy of my admiration like Sally is!”

Another variation on this is when a narcissist says, “Interior decorating is so easy.  Seems like anyone can do it.  Anyone can put up a sign saying they’re an interior designer these days.  I can’t imagine why anyone would pay someone to do something so easy…”  Again, the words may not be said but the message is crystal clear – “You’re nothing special.  Any idiot can do what you do.”

A different tactic is used mostly by narcissistic spouses but also by parents.  They never tell you how attractive you are & they know you’re insecure about your appearance, but they freely complement others.  As an example, a narcissistic husband may fuss over a famous model’s beautiful figure to his pregnant wife who is about to give birth to their child, & who feels fat.  Parents can do this too, though.  My mother never told me I was pretty as a child.  In fact she used to brag that once she told me she thought I was “kinda pretty”, even though I don’t remember that happening.  Yet, when I was young, she’d fuss over how pretty other little girls were.  When I would be upset, she’d tell me I was wrong & shouldn’t feel as I did.

There are some big bonuses for narcissists in treating victims this way.  If you confront him or her, the narcissist knows their comment hurt you.  If you’re angry, all the better for the narcissist, because the narcissist can use your anger to prove how unreasonable & crazy you are.  They’ll say things like, “Don’t be so sensitive!”  “I don’t know how you got that out of what I said!”  “You read too much into things!”  If you’re unaware of what is happening, you easily can feel like the narcissist is right.  You’re crazy, oversensitive, etc.  Believing those lies will make you feel shame & be easier for the narcissist to control.  The narcissist may even use it as an excuse to discard you.

These tactics are attempts for narcissists to diminish anyone they envy, compete with or see as a threat in some way.  They knock a person down a bit by making them feel unimportant, bringing them closer to the narcissists level which also builds up the narcissist.

If the narcissist in your life treats you this way, remember what they are doing.  They’re using a passive/aggressive tactic to try to destroy your self esteem so they can control you.  Chances are, they don’t even mean the cruel things they say.  They’re actually envious of you for being prettier, more talented, more successful or whatever than they think they are.  Rather than try to better themselves, narcissists would rather tear someone else down.  So if the narcissist in your life treats you this way, don’t forget that.  What they say isn’t what they truly feel.  What they feel is the exact opposite.

27 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism

27 responses to “A Passive/Aggressive Way Narcissists Use To Abuse

  1. annealcroft

    “Rather than try to better themselves, narcissists would rather tear someone else down. So if the narcissist in your life treats you this way, don’t forget that. What they say isn’t what they truly feel. What they feel is the exact opposite.”

    Hmmm. Most often when the narcissists in my life come to mind it is impossible not to wonder what they actually do feel. If our feelings indeed influence our relationships and how we interact with the world, then the feelings the narcissist actually feels do not come from God but are distortions of reality. Their reality is only how they relate to others through their own eyes which are largely blind because their hearts are darkened.

    A powerful quote comes from the precious story “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint Exupery.

    “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

    As Father’s Day approaches I’m finding myself sharpening my quill to pen my father a good letter — straight from MY heart. But by now I know enough to know that there is nothing I will ever be able to do — NOTHING — to reach his dark, evil heart. His evil, hurtful ways haunt my life no matter how hard I try to banish all his deliberate acts of his violent hatred toward me starting when I was a very little girl no more than 3 years old.

    The device you describe here, Cynthia, that the narcissist uses to invalidate their victim, is typical of not just my father but also of my sister and my late mother. I learned after a while not to share any part of my creative life with them because as soon as I did, it was all about them and my incentive was killed as a result.

    To give an example, years ago I was commissioned by a prominent greeting card publisher to work with them on a stationary project. I made the sad mistake of sharing the good news with my family and showing them the project I was to be working on. Immediately they tried to rob my baby, so to speak.

    Mother: “I’ll tell you what “I” would do with that! I would do this and this and this….”

    Sister: “You know what you could do here? You could make that gold, and you could do this and this and this.”

    Father: “Nobody is going to beat Martha Stewart now. No, nobody could ever beat her now. She’s got it all.”

    This is the scenario that has followed me throughout my lifetime and has largely killed my creativity and incentive. How often I wonder if my life will ever, ever heal from the destruction of my malignant narcissist family.

    I’m not convinced, Cynthia, that they are not aware of what they are doing though Jesus teaches us, from His Cross, to forgive them because they know not what they do. Amen. I’ll go with that unless I want to start a riot.

    One thing lately I am learning to do each time a thought comes to mind of how my father, especially, goes out of his way to chastise, abuse, and hurt me. I simply give it to God and say aloud, “Dear God, here it is. The wrath belongs to You!” Amen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is very true.. what narcissists feel isn’t from a normal place or from God. It’s from darkness.

      I hope I don’t sound invalidating here as I really am NOT trying to be! I’m not sure I agree with that quote. The Bible says the heart is decitful (Jeremiah 17:9). I prefer going with my gut instinct or whatever term you like to use that is more objective. I feel that is the Holy Spirit driven instinct that says what is right/wrong or good/bad. The heart is too emotional for my comfort… logic has to have its place too.

      I really think you should write that letter to your father, if you don’t mind some unasked for advice. Not saying send it to him, just write it. Get it ALL out. It truly can be helpful when you tell someone exactly what you think of them & why. Of course, narcissists aren’t receptive to such things, so it’s best not to send them what you write or verbalize your feelings. (Usually at least.. there are times I think God says, “Tell them!!”) That being said though, writing it all out can help you. It’s cathartic & healing to purge yourself of all the negativity inside. I’ve written several letters like that & found them so healing! When I was done, I either kept them in my journal or burned them (oddly, it was so healing watching my negative emotions go up in smoke.. don’t ask, I don’t get it either! I just know it worked!).

      Ouch… the way your family responded to such a wonderful thing happening in your life is typical in narcissistic families, but still, it’s pretty awful. I’m so sorry Anne (((((hugs))))) That was such a wonderful thing & they did their best to destroy it for you! Totally disgusting! Were you able to do the job after that? If so, YOU GO GIRL!!! If not, totally understandable & sending more hugs!

      Honestly I think you’re right. Most narcissists know just what they are doing. They deliberately cause pain & suffering to their victims. There are some that are oblivious to it, but even then it still boils down to their narcisissm. They’re so wrapped up in themselves, they don’t pause to think that what they do could hurt someone. (Granted, normal people have moments like this but if they hurt someone they realize it & try to make amends quickly) Even if they did, they wouldn’t care. Everything in a narcissist’s life boils down to how they can benefit from things or how things can help them achieve their narcissistic supply. I think that is why it helps to understand their motivations. It shows victims that whatever they do is all about them. Victims can’t improve the situation no matter what. Nothing matters to narcissists beyond themselves

      It sounds like you found a very good solution! Speaking things out loud can be VERY helpful, especially when you give that thing to God.

      Liked by 2 people

      • ibikenyc

        “Literature, writing, and burning” is a thing (maybe a Step) they talk about in 12-Step programs.

        Liked by 2 people

        • annealcroft

          True! As the celebration of the New Year rolls around I have what is called a burning bowl ceremony. I write down everything from the past and present that needs to be immolated on small pieces of paper and then one by one, burn them in the bowl.

          Come to think of it, that didn’t happen this year! Maybe tonight! 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

      • annealcroft

        Cynthia, thanks for your insight about the quote, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.” And you are right in quoting Jeremiah 17:9 that the heart is deceitful.

        9 The heart is deceitful above all things,and desperately sick; who can understand it? – ESV

        Yes, writing letters is helpful though I am learning it is important to put the brakes on before hitting send. Over the years I have sent my father countless candid, honest, straightforward emails in an attempt to try to appeal to his reason and conscience, to no avail. His is a pitifully dark, deceitful heart that only Satan can reach with his falsehoods. So at this point, to spend time even trying to write and reason with him seems futile unless I get the green light from God when He directs me to keep fighting.

        If and when I buy into the hideous, corrupt, filthy evil my father and my entire family proves capable of, including my deceased mother whose soul I continue to pray for, then I go down the same rabbit hole they are in. The challenge is to fill to overflowing our hearts with only the Love of God which means, we accept the suffering He doles out to us without question.

        If there are ways we can overcome that suffering, whether it means to somehow find a way to conquer exigent poverty and the chaos that is the result of the limitation we may find our self in which is always, directly or indirectly, a result of the evils of our upbringing and ancestry where for some reason, the investment was keeping us under control by making us financially dependent upon them. Nothing could be more disgustingly sick. That is what communism is all about.

        About my commission for the stationary company:

        > Were you able to do the job after that? If so, YOU GO GIRL!!! If not, totally understandable & sending more hugs!

        No, the whole thing went south. I was up against a deadline. For over a month I tried to revive my creative inspiration and enthusiasm. It wasn’t just a matter of writer’s block, but a matter of another attempt by my family to kill my soul once and for all.

        To be perfectly frank, more and more I relate to Christ crucified and the more I do, the more His sufferings become unfathomable to me, and the depths of His Love for God surreal. Our life is all about suffering if only we can learn how to suffer, and do that well. That seems to me to be the will of God, though now and then there is some pitiful little hope such as in Psalm 27:13 (ESV) I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!

        That doesn’t mean my electricity won’t be shut off or that I’ll hit Powerball one of these days. Jesus embraced poverty and if we are to follow him authentically, we need to take a close look at what that means for us. Come to think of it, God only knows what that means. I really don’t know anymore what any of it means. It’s all too nuts for words.

        Blessings,
        AA

        Like

        • You’re welcome!

          Absolutely! Not sending those letters can be the wisest thing to do & usually is. Their purpose is to purge yourself not try to get a narcissist to see the flaws in their actions. That’s usually a waste of time.

          I’m so sorry about what happened! I understand what you mean… writers’ block is bad enough but when your family basically tries to kill your soul, that destroys creativity.

          I’m not so sure.. not that God doesn’t allow suffering but I’m not so sure it’s His will either. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not buying into the so called prosperity gospel. I think God allows suffering sometimes to help us grow, to draw us closer to Him, to use us as an example to others of how to endure the hard times gracefully.. but I also think He wants to bless us too. With His peace of course but sometimes also with things or even money. As long as those things are kept in a healty perspective, there’s nothing wrong with them. It’s when people become obsessed with them the problem starts. I don’t know.. maybe I’m wrong about this, but it just feels right to me anyway.

          Liked by 2 people

          • annealcroft

            “I’m not so sure.. not that God doesn’t allow suffering but I’m not so sure it’s His will either. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not buying into the so called prosperity gospel. I think God allows suffering sometimes to help us grow, to draw us closer to Him, to use us as an example to others of how to endure the hard times gracefully.. but I also think He wants to bless us too. With His peace of course but sometimes also with things or even money. As long as those things are kept in a healty perspective, there’s nothing wrong with them. It’s when people become obsessed with them the problem starts. I don’t know.. maybe I’m wrong about this, but it just feels right to me anyway.”

            Yes. So very true that God does allow us to suffer so we can grow. Though I can’t find the exact passage, Jesus does say that for those who have no adversity in their lives, He has nothing to offer, but it is for those who suffer that He gives His friendship. Do you know that passage? I can’t find it.

            For many years I have struggled financially. Really struggled. Not long ago, one day the still, small voice said to me, “Little sparrow, what makes you think you’re so costly?” The voice was so small and so still that I am sure it was God speaking to me. I can’t imagine the devil being so introspective and knowing me so well. Such a multi-faceted message that I’ve yet to discern exactly what I need to learn from that, but it is a charm that is helping to sort many things out having to do with deprivation, discernment, and realizing that most likely my parents resented me because I was an added expense and another mouth to feed. As a result, I have become in many ways obsessively miserly. Not stingy, but deprivation has become a way of life for me which I am not accustomed to. Sometimes I realize ex post facto that I deprived myself of a gift God was trying to give me. For example, I denied myself a beautiful antique oriental rug for all of $130. And I really could have used it, too. All a learning process and restoring the grace of faith.

            In the letter I wrote my father today, I asked him where he came up with the notion that I was trying to rob him. In retrospect, all my life he has been branding me as a gold-digger, a robber, when in reality it seems to me he is projecting his own self-hatred onto me. I have asked for my needs to be met and more recently, when he admitted to embezzling my inheritance, have tried to hold him accountable. That is when he becomes abusive and then accuses me of elder abuse. I am 62. It seems to me he is the one guilty of elder abuse.

            So, back to what you say about God wanting to bless us, that is a great comfort because I ask God all the time for the patience to persevere knowing that someday He will answer my prayer for financial relief, security, and stability.

            No, you’re not wrong about any of this and what you have to say really helps put things in proper perspective!

            Thank you, Cynthia! ❤

            Blessings!

            Like

            • I wish I could remember that passage but I’m drawing a total blank at the moment. It’s early.. brain isn’t working yet apparently.. lol But that does make sense. It reminded me a bit of a scene in the movie “God’s Not Dead”. Have you seen it? If not, very worth watching!! Anyway one character is a very wealthy man. He got his wealth by cheating & stealing & clawing his way to the top of the executive ladder. He visited his mother in the nursing home one day. She had advanced Alzheimer’s & wasn’t particularly coherant because of it. This particular visit, he said something like, “I don’t get it. I lie, cheat & steal & I have all this money & an easy life. You prayed daily, believe in God & are such a good person, yet here you are in this condition. Why does that happen?” Mom had a moment of clarity & said, “Sometimes when people are very blessed the devil lets them be blessed & leaves them alone so they don’t see any reason to turn to God.” I firmly believe that! It makes perfect sense!

              Wow.. what a message! It makes sense too, that your parents set that stage for you to be miserly. I understand totally. In working on our house to sell it, I’ve ruined many clothes & a pair of shoes. It was hard for me to order a new pair of shoes & a new shirt for $25 for both! How ridiculous is this?! When parents treat their children like they’re nothing but a burden, it makes those children believe they don’t deserve things, even necessities. It’s a cruel thing to do to them.

              Good for you calling your father out on stealing your inheritance!! That takes guts! I had to do the same with my mother years ago when she stole my inheritance from her mother. It’s also painful when you realize your parent cares more for money than you, their own child. And yes, it definitely sounds like projection on his part!

              I’m so glad my thoughts helped! I’ve heard many people have the perspective you have & many more who seem to think God is just sitting there, figuring out ways to bless us. Seems to me He is much more in the middle. ❤

              Like

    • ibikenyc

      My heart aches for you, especially with the nonsense around your art comission!

      Liked by 2 people

      • annealcroft

        Your compassion is greatly appreciated and heartwarming, though unless you have suffered in a similar way, no doubt you wouldn’t so well understand what this kind of annihilation is about. There is nothing more evil than the willful destruction of authentic creativity.

        Unfortunately in our modern world, “creativity” has been sufficiently perverted as to abuse the meaning of art. The punchline is at the end of this beautiful poem:

        ODE ON A GRECIAN URN
        By John Keats

        Thou still unravish’d bride of quietness,
        Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
        Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
        A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
        What leaf-fring’d legend haunts about thy shape
        Of deities or mortals, or of both,
        In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
        What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
        What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
        What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

        Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
        Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
        Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear’d,
        Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
        Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
        Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
        Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
        Though winning near the goal yet, do not grieve;
        She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
        For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

        Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
        Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
        And, happy melodist, unwearied,
        For ever piping songs for ever new;
        More happy love! more happy, happy love!
        For ever warm and still to be enjoy’d,
        For ever panting, and for ever young;
        All breathing human passion far above,
        That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy’d,
        A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

        Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
        To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
        Lead’st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
        And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
        What little town by river or sea shore,
        Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
        Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?
        And, little town, thy streets for evermore
        Will silent be; and not a soul to tell
        Why thou art desolate, can e’er return.

        O Attic shape! Fair attitude! with brede
        Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
        With forest branches and the trodden weed;
        Thou, silent form, dost tease us out of thought
        As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
        When old age shall this generation waste,
        Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
        Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say’st,
        “Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
        Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.”

        Liked by 1 person

  2. ibikenyc

    You are welcome.

    I actually have been through similar: At times throughout my childhood and adolescence, I was punished for drawing(!) and heard my artwork regularly disparaged to others as “scribbling” (“She’s SCRIBBLING again!”).

    I later won acceptance to a highly-competitive special art high school. That acceptance was met with rage and scorn, and I endured continual eye-rolling and heavy sighs every time I needed money for art supplies.

    I SO hear you about the killed creativity and incentive and, especially, the soul killing.

    Also the “wonder[ing] if my life will ever, ever heal from the destruction of my malignant narcissist family.”

    “Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
    Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.”

    Thank you. This is one of those things that I’ve heard quoted throughout my life but never knew where it was from.

    I have no answers for you, but, for what it’s worth, I do have empathy and sympathy ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • annealcroft

      Sometimes the similarities we survivors share of the damaging narcissists in our lives is uncanny.

      I, too, was given a scholarship for my senior year of high school to go to a private secondary school where the art department excelled because of its faculty. One night my mother literally broke a yardstick over my back when we had an argument about my needing to go to a special school because high school wasn’t good enough. So that too, went south and I forfeited the scholarship and ended out my senior year at a mediocre regional high school where there was a scant art department.

      And like you, I too was actually belittled for drawing. When I used paper, paints, pencils, scissors, I was “making a mess.” My mother would say, “Oh, this is my little mess maker.” Everything I did made a mess.

      Many years ago, when I was in my thirties, I was invited to perform in a recital given by local musicians affiliated with the colleges in my area. At the time I had mastered a few Mozart and Beethoven sonatas and Bach fugues and knew the pieces well by heart. Same scenario. I made the sad mistake of sharing the news with my family. My father’s exact words were, “Go ahead, make an a$$hole out of yourself.”

      Another time, someone complimented me on my illustrations, saying they thought my work was even better than a well-known artist whose work I always admired and was influenced by. Another sad mistake telling my family. My father’s exact words; “They were being kind.”

      I’m realizing that what is really empowering, and a good way to overcome the pain and to alleviate the wounds, is to remember that only a very miserable person could be so cruel.

      This afternoon, though it was a beautiful day, everything I tried to do made me feel like molasses up hill. Finally I put everything aside and sat down and hammered out that letter to my father that’s been brewing for a while. I saved it in drafts a few times and edited it but instead of just destroying it, I sent it to him. In no uncertain words I told him that his cruelty, abuse, and deceit has taken its toll on my life. I also told him that nothing would be more of a shock than for him to want to spend Father’s Day with his two daughters. But that’s not his character, and I am not responsible for that.

      After writing that email and sending it off, I felt great! I was amazed at how clear I felt and suddenly had the energy to work in my garden until it got dark out.

      Perseverance. I think that’s what helps us to overcome the damage done to our souls and creativity, and helps us to overcome the fear that binds.

      Thanks for your understanding! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Your family is so cruel… what horrible things to say when they should’ve been celebrating & happy with you!!

        Good for you on the letter!!! That takes guts! However your father responds, or doesn’t respond, I have faith that you can handle it! You’re one strong lady! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • annealcroft

          Well, alas this afternoon a response from my father:

          “I acknowledge that your perceptions are your perceptions. Please accept mine the same as I do yours.”

          As my mother used to say, “Don’t confuse me, my mind is made up.”

          And now he claims he is having difficulty coming up with the monthly check he claims he issues from the Trust my mother left for me that he also claims that he “administers.”

          A while ago I asked him to disperse $10,000 from the trust my mother left that amounts to several hundreds of thousands of dollars. He gave me a check for $5000 and then told me that he had been looking at a house he wanted to buy just to invest in. How did he plan to pay for that house?

          I confronted him on this issue in my recent letter to him.

          I resign myself to the fact that he is too far gone. Though I will continue to persevere until the very end and sometimes people do change as you recently pointed out in one of your posts, this is arrogance, pride, egotism, and deceit that God seems to keep enabling, giving him more rope.

          Would he ever humble himself long enough to realize that someone cares enough about him to summon the courage to show him how he has hurt others? Is the malignant narcissist ever able to fathom that others may come from a place of love and caring especially as to how they treat others, not just themselves?

          I’m sharing here a wonderful Biblical homily from the Berean just today that pretty much sums up the headset of a malignant narcissist:

          Numbers 22:24-25
          (24) Then the Angel of the LORD stood in a narrow path between the vineyards, with a wall on this side and a wall on that side. (25) And when the donkey saw the Angel of the LORD, she pushed herself against the wall and crushed Balaam’s foot against the wall; so he struck her again.
          New King James Version Change your email Bible version

          What does God do? His first attempt to get Balaam’s attention fails—not with the donkey, but with Balaam. The man is totally oblivious to what is going on. So God narrows him in or hedges him in. The path that Balaam was taking led between two hedges or walls. There was enough room,however, for the donkey to turn aside, which is what she did. She turned away, but in doing so, Balaam’s foot became crushed against the wall, causing him pain. Perhaps God thought that a little pain would help him come to his senses.

          However, Balaam does not think about God at all. He thinks, “You stupid donkey! Why did you do that to me?” He does not say anything at this point but beats the poor donkey. His injury does not cause him to consider at all that God may be trying to get his attention. It never comes to mind that God may be telling him something. He takes all his pain and rage out on this innocent donkey, which was only trying to obey God.

          Think of the donkey in terms of this passage:

          But my eyes are upon You, O GOD the Lord; in You I take refuge; do not leave my soul destitute. Keep me from the snares they have laid for me, and from the traps of the workers of iniquity. Let the wicked fall into their own nets, while I escape safely. (Psalm 141:8-10)

          The donkey who saw God would have avoided the trap and escaped, if it were not for Balaam controlling her. He made her go back into the trap—and on to his own ruin.

          — Richard T. Ritenbaugh

          Like

          • If I’m not too nosy, what else did your father say? Defend himself? Deflect? Project?

            I’m curious too.. why is your father administrator of your trust. You’re over 21. I thought only minors or those who are somehow compromised didn’t have admins in these situations.

            I totally relate to believing he is too far gone. I thought the same with my father. I had a vision of him before he died that showed me he was. I kept praying anyway. It’s good you plan to as well! I know the Bible says some about reprobates, which is what I thought my father was, but I still felt it necessary to pray for him. It made me wonder if someone truly is a reprobate, if God will let us know that, otherwise He lets us continue praying for them. No clue if that is right or not.. it was just a thought that occurred to me.

            Thank you for sharing! How interesting to consider that from the donkey’s perspective. I hadn’t done that before.

            Like

            • annealcroft

              Cynthia, thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and being so supportive.

              Here’s what my father wrote. Yes, right you are there is projection there, and then the guilt trip:

              ” I acknowledge that your perceptions are your perceptions. Please accept mine the same as I do yours. I’m sorry but at this time I do not have funds available to give you the $5K that you ask for. It continues to be a struggle for me to come up with the $1200.00 that I send to you each month but will do the best I can in that regard.”

              $1200 per month! A “struggle” for him to come up with it? Then WHERE is this trust he says he administers? He refuses to be held accountable because he’s doing something he shouldn’t be doing. Period. When I try to reason with him he screems elder abuse. Yet he is abusive of me and I’m 62.

              And — he cuts himself a check for $300 per week spending money! God only knows how much money he’s giving Jezebel! A

              He completely ignores the things I tried to talk about with him in the email such as the ways, with his skills as a carpenter and cabinet maker, he could have been a great help with my house though the truth is, I am very uncomfortable having to have him in my home alone.

              The beginning of the year I asked him to disperse $10,000 of the trust he holds. I met with him and he handed me a check for $5,000 because he said he couldn’t afford t release the entire $10,000. Where is it? Where is the money going to? He claims he is “administering” a trust my mother left for me (there were nefarious activities with her will) but he refuses to document this.
              When I need things like fuel assistance he writes a hand written “note’ that says he will “continue to support” his daughter!!! He holds MY inheritance and goes around telling people he has to support me.

              Over the past year I tried to find legal representation. What a nightmare. Our court systems and lawyers are in tight and my narc father has managed to align himself with people in high places. That’s another story for another time. Alas I did find a law firm that came highly recommended that was willing to take my case which is much more involved than what I have explained here, but I could not afford the retainer fee of $7500 that they were asking for. I suppose I could try to negotiate with them but honestly, every time I start to go down this rabbit hole again I start getting sick again. I just can’t afford it and furthermore, it is honestly contrary to my religious beliefs. Saint Paul talks about legal suits in I believe it’s his letters to the Corinthians. I’ll have to find it.

              So this is what I keep pleading and praying for, Dear God, to please relieve me of this financial stranglehold, prosper the work of my hands, and free me from the financial oppression that Satan binds me with. Good God, why do you want me to remain bound to this evil? I pray to know His reason as there must be one!

              Nobody knows what I’ve been through, especially to try to save my ancestral property. Ever read “The Spoils of Poynton” by Henry James? Same thing. I’m living it.

              Your words about prayer and keeping the faith with your father are incredibly healing and encouraging. You are a truly loving and gifted woman, Cynthia; surely God has created a special place in Heaven for you. You have been more helpful, and the people here more supportive, than any other organization or individual I have encountered throughout the decades of my healing journey. Thank you with all my <3!

              Blessings,
              AA

              Like

              • annealcroft

                Oh, forgot to add this.

                When I write, “The beginning of the year I asked him to disperse $10,000 of the trust he holds. I met with him and he handed me a check for $5,000 because he said he couldn’t afford t release the entire $10,000. Where is it? Where is the money going to? He claims he is “administering” a trust my mother left for me (there were nefarious activities with her will) but he refuses to document this.”

                After he handed me the check for $5000, he then said that he was thinking about buying a house that he wanted to “invest” in. WHERE was he planning to get the money to buy the house? When I ask him, he ignores me. The devil does not like to be challenged, criticized, or held accountable.

                Like

                • UGH! Truly you’re right, the devil doesn’t like to be challenged, criticized or held accountable.

                  I haven’t written about it in my blog (I don’t think I did anyway) but my mother stole my inheritance from her mother when she passed in 2001. Long story short, I sent her a letter demanding my money & got it back, but the venom I could feel from her communication was intense. When you confront the devil, you have no doubt about it, in my opinion.

                  Like

              • You’re welcome! ❤

                Oh my word!! Struggling with that when there is more money in the trust?!?! & the way he phrased it, it sounds like you're asking him to sacrifice his own money rather than what you are entitled to. It sounds like you're right, he doesn't want to be held accountable for something he shouldn't be doing. Also not surprising he ignores certain points in your letter. Anything to make them appear innocent & victims the real abusers/criminals.

                It's unreal & I'd say unbelievable how he claims to support you but after years of dealing with narcissists, I get it. Anything they can say & make people believe is ok. Truth? Bah.. why bother with that!

                Ugh… I can understand that. Trying to get justice isn't easy even when it's deserved. It also can feel like revenge which makes it even worse to deal with. Your prayers will be answered.. God honors our prayers, of that I have no doubt!!

                I haven't read the novel, but I did just look it up. It definitely sounds like you are living it! I'm so sorry!

                You are too sweet.. thank you so much for your kind words. ❤

                Like

                • annealcroft

                  “Oh my word!! Struggling with that when there is more money in the trust?!?! & the way he phrased it, it sounds like you’re asking him to sacrifice his own money rather than what you are entitled to. It sounds like you’re right, he doesn’t want to be held accountable for something he shouldn’t be doing. Also not surprising he ignores certain points in your letter. Anything to make them appear innocent & victims the real abusers/criminals.”

                  Spot on. This is how Satan gains entry. It is so infuriating and obnoxious that it is truly hateful, yet in a way, so pitiful. Yes, pity is all we can have for something this desperate. I think in Proverbs we are taught not to envy sinners.

                  It seems to me that is partly what agitates the wrath. That someone, a father at that, steals money from his own daughter then tries to make himself out to appear innocent. What filth.

                  Like

                  • Sickening.. just sickening. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this.

                    Like

                    • annealcroft

                      O, Dear God. Cynthia, you are God-sent. Honestly, this afternoon I took a ride to do some errands and get my mind off of things and thought of your ordeal with your mother who tried to embezzle your inheritance, too. Immediately, I came up with “emotional incest.”

                      More thoughts run through my mind about my father and some of his disgusting behavior after my mother died.

                      One night I met him for dinner. It was this time of year with outdoor seating. He had no interest in what was new in my life. Instead, he had to tell me all about being “caught” out having dinner with his yoga teacher, young enough to be his granddaughter, a sexy blonde in mini-skirts and I mean mini, by the postmaster in town. She, too, is married so he has a ‘thing’ for married women.

                      I listened to his lurid story for about three minutes and then picked myself up and walked right out on him and left him sitting there.

                      Your story with your “old lady” is heartbreaking because they have a way of poisoning all that is good in our lives.

                      When I try to plumb the depths of my heart as to why, where, when, and how I am able to still find love for something as rotten as my father, all that I ever mine, which is more than enough, is the precious Blood of our Savior Jesus Christ.

                      No matter how much my father has deprived me of, no matter how I struggle and live with perpetual anxiety that I will come home and find my electricity shut off, I can still find the flame of love and mercy in the depths of my heart to forgive him and to pray that he finds the way to the salvation of his soul. Why? Because though it is but a very pitiful shadow, I can still see the good in him and all the hope I had to have a thriving and healthy father-daughter relationship with him.

                      I see the exponential ways my entire family could have prospered joyfully if he were a different person. I have come to the conclusion, while driving today, that his problem is indeed sexual narcissism and that he is a very, very sick man. The worst of it is, my very, very, sick sister kisses his a$$. Though she has a PhD from Yale, she is bone dumb. And, to top that, he abused her sexually and in other ways I don’t even know about only that I have horrible nightmares from time to time about what he did to her. Her husband knew that but he dropped dead of a heart attack a year after my father bullied her into signing over to him all the CDs to the tune of half a million dollars that my mother left to her. I’ll never forget that night as long as I live.

                      My mother had only hours before died. The undertaker had just left with her corpse. My father took my sister into the living room away from complete earshot where her husband and I were sitting and all hell broke loose. They were saying something about “all that money” and “no, I don’t want it” and then my stupid sister, against my mother’s dying wishes, gave to my father all of the hard earned money of my maternal grandparents that she intended for me and my sister (she told me countless times that her money was to go blood-to-blood and to both her daughters) knowing that my father was an adulterer. So now the woman who really helped to put my mother in her grave, as the heartache I realize she suffered during her later years is mind-boggling because of this rotten Fritzi Ritz (the nickname my mother gave this woman for many years, aka Jezebel) benefits from my father giving her my mother’s gorgeous antique jewelry which I would have loved to have had, and, her money. No matter how difficult my mother was, I find more good in her than evil.

                      So, if I come here at times seeming as though I’m completely off the wall, I guess I probably am. A while ago you wrote about living with mental illness which is something I grapple with at times such as these when reality hits me between the eyes like a silver bullet. I believe we do go through labyrinths of mental illness though the saving grace for some of us is that we are aware of this. Those who deny their mental illness are the ones who are in trouble. My father is an example of this. When I try to put myself in his shoes, I can not begin to imagine the kind of torment a soul consecrated to God could endure as he lives his life. But the truth is, he is not consecrated to God; he has sold his soul to Satan. I have read several accounts of such people who say they get such a rush from committing their lives to Satan that they will never give it up. So?

                      And at such times, I thank God that though there are sins in my past that I am none too proud of, that He has given me the hope, Faith, and hint of grace that I need to chose being nailed to the Cross with him, nails driven through the palms of my hands, than to wallow in the same filth with my father and sister so I can sneak around and take from others what I want people to believe is rightfully mine. They don’t earn anything on their own; they either cheat, prostitute themselves, or sneak around and take it. Even if it means stealing from a daughter.

                      When my father mentions my “perception” of things, he’s a little off. I have come to accept the fact that my father, simply stated, has no love in his heart, not for God, not for his family, and pitifully, not for himself. He is in love with a fantasy of who he thinks he is which, like your mother who tried to screw you out of your inheritance, is the only way they are able to fake it until they perhaps do or don’t “make it.”

                      I can remember the years of repeating the slogan, “fake it ’til you make it.”

                      That became stale because it is shallow. Can you imagine Jesus Christ “faking it” until He made it? But most of our culture buys into pop-psyche and the fuzzy little memes engineered to sanction sin and make people believe that they can invent their own gods according to their whims.

                      Taint so. Like it or not, there is ONE God, and that God is never changing.

                      Jesus said to His disciples: “Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. Amen, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law, until all things have taken place. Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so will be called least in the Kingdom of heaven. But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called greatest in the Kingdom of heaven.” – The Gospel of the Lord. Matthew 5: 17 – 19

                      We must all remind ourselves without ceasing that if we are to be true disciples, Jesus teaches that the Gospel is to be lived AS IT IS WRITTEN. Amen.

                      Like

  3. Anne, your father sure had the emotional incest thing down! Why share that story with you?! Totally inappriopriate! Of course, that never crossed his mind. Good for you, walking out though! That was a smart move. Before learning about NPD, I tried telling my father to stop complaining about his marital woes to me because it hurt me. He continued griping for another 45 minutes!! (I timed it).

    Truly narcissists do poison the good in our lives. At least with my inheritance, I got it back. Guessing my grandmother wouldn’t have cared either way though.. she was a narcissist & probably only gave me any inheritance, small as it was, because it made her look good or some other shallow reason.

    That’s so normal, how you feel about your father. Makes no sense but it’s normal. It’d be so much easier to hate them wouldn’t it?

    How sad about your sister & her husband! Do you think she has a chance of seeing the truth about your father? I guess if his actions immediately after your mother died haven’t woken her up, nothing would. So sad!

    Oh please.. all of us who suffered narcissistic abuse are a bit “off.” It’s a side effect of the abuse. I think you’re right though, better to acknowledge the mental illness than ignore it like your father. That is what is truly unhealthy.

    Wow.. I can’t fathom the “rush” of giving your life to Satan! How can that be a good thing?!

    It’s terrible how narcissists have no love in their hearts for anyone or anything. Can’t fathom living that way.

    Oh yes.. “fake it til you make it.” It’s very shallow. It may work at best for doing things you’re mildly afraid of, doing the thing anyway in spite of your anxiety, but that’s really it.

    Yes!! We must live the Gospel as it was written. Seems to be a very unpopular opinion these days!

    Like

  4. Pingback: A Passive/Aggressive Way Narcissists Use To Abuse – narcissist abuse survivor support

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s