When The Narcissist Learns You’re Telling Others About The Abuse

When you first start to open up about the abusive behavior the narcissist in your life has inflicted on you, it can be very hard.  You were told to keep everything a secret.  My mother used to tell me, “Don’t air our dirty laundry!” as a way to keep me quiet.  It didn’t work though.  At that time I was only 17, living through sheer hell due to her abuse & didn’t know what to do.  I told others in the hopes of finding someone who could give me advice on how to cope or make my mother treat me better.  Obviously that didn’t work.  I did learn about what happens when a victim starts to open up about narcissistic abuse though.

When you begin to divulge what the narcissist has done to you, the narcissist will be horrified.  After all, you’re not supposed to tell anyone anything!  The abuse is supposed to remain a secret between the two of you, no one else.  Naturally, the narcissist is going to be angry with you, because that is what they think.  They don’t think about the fact that you are a human being with feelings & needs & even the right to discuss your own life with whoever you wish.

The narcissist also is going to be very angry at you for making him or her look bad when you talk about the abuse.  Narcissists clearly don’t think like normal people, so they won’t consider their actions are what make them look bad.  Instead, they’ll lump all the blame on you for making them look bad.

Narcissists feel betrayed when victims tell others about their abhorrent behavior.  They all seem to think victims will tolerate their abuse indefinitely, never protesting it, & are shocked & horrified when that isn’t the case.  This so called betrayal can trigger their rage.

It also can trigger a myriad of unhealthy coping skills.  One of which is reinventing the past.  Many narcissists convince themselves that they are awesome people, & never would abuse anyone.  After my mother’s death, I learned she knew what I write about in spite of my efforts to prevent that from happening.  I also learned she must have convinced herself that I was lying & she didn’t do anything I said she did.

When the narcissist becomes enraged & acts in this way, it can be scary.  Some scream.  Some harass or stalk.  All engage in a smear campaign & are often successful at turning those you love against you or at least damaging some of your relationships.  This is a terribly painful place to be, I know.  It may even make you think you’re wrong for opening up.  Life seemed easier when no one knew what the narcissist did to you.  I can tell you something though.. although it may seem easier, it isn’t.

In some ways, not discussing the abuse is easier because the narcissist is appeased.  When they’re appeased, they aren’t ruining your relationships or at least your reputation.  No one is telling you what a terrible person you are.  But, you are unhappy.  You’re trying to do everything perfectly so as not to upset the narcissist, which means you’re under intense stress & utterly miserable.  Everyone is happy except you, & the people who are happy clearly have no concern for your mental health.

Tell your story.  John 8:32 says the truth will set you free.  Let it!  The more you discuss the abuse, the more you’ll heal.  If the narcissist doesn’t approve, that isn’t your problem.  Besides, think about this: if what he or she did was truly ok, if it was all your fault & their abusive actions were totally justified, why are they so determined to keep it a secret?

51 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

51 responses to “When The Narcissist Learns You’re Telling Others About The Abuse

  1. Perfect logic of my mother and her side of the family. The phrase, “We hurt the ones we love the most, because we know they will love us anyway.” was said as though it were a parable. Um no. If you love someone you try to not hurt them. The other is called abuse.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Wow… so that makes it a good thing for them to hurt you, eh? Makes perfect sense! UGH!

      Liked by 3 people

      • It has been very strange for me to wrap my head around. And please tell me if you think I am wrong on any of this.

        I think the message of “Keep it all in the family” is that they know the cycle of abuse is wrong. They don’t want anyone else to know, because they know it is wrong.

        They call it all “love”. Meaning, “If you “love” me, you will tolerate my abuse.”

        Of course, it is not reciprocal. It really is the mind of the vampire. You can provide the parental narcissist Vampire their blood supply one of two ways:
        1. Be perfect
        2. Fight back

        Fighting back doesn’t work though, because they love the hot emotional drama of you fighting back. It means they matter to you. It is delicious Vampiric supply.

        Checking out through no contact or gray rock denies them of both. And they will seek it elsewhere.

        We really do not matter that much to them, outside of ability to deliver supply. .

        I am still going through the stages of grief on this. I hope I can get to “acceptance” soon.

        Liked by 5 people

        • I think you hit that nail on the head! That’s exactly it, that damned if you do speak up, damned if you don’t scenario. Gray rock & no contact (especially no contact) are the only ways to avoid feeding the vampire. They feed off love (well what they call love- tolerating their abuse) & hate. Both are powerful emotions & a person who knows another feels those emotions for them can control & manipulate that person easily. It’s a power trip for narcissists which gives them their precious supply

          Liked by 7 people

        • ibikenyc

          Aww. So sorry about your grief.

          Even the perfection would be meaningless, because their “goals” change like the wind. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve been taken to task for doing the very things he’d earlier raged about and demanded.

          Liked by 4 people

  2. ibikenyc

    “Besides, think about this: if what he or she did was truly ok, if it was all your fault & their abusive actions were totally justified, why are they so determined to keep it a secret?”

    You have hit the nail squarely and completely on the head with this, my dear!

    (And now I’m imagining asking one of them exactly this! Duck and cover, quickly!)

    Liked by 3 people

    • LOL Duck & cover indeed! I wouldn’t want to ask one of their flying monkeys that either.. same duck & cover would be necessary..

      Liked by 3 people

    • Your engagement is what they want. Ignoring them would be better in my humble opinion.

      Liked by 3 people

      • ibikenyc

        Oh, I do agree with you! I was being facetious, there 😉

        Liked by 2 people

      • ignoring sometimes works but not over the long run. Then they complain that ‘you are ignoring them and you are the problem, etc”. The only way is to free yourself from their influence. Go No Contact. My mother will be 100 July 3rd. Of course, everyone is happy, happy the old witch has lived so long. Ask the people that her behavior and actions killed. I am not going or even giving thought to this ‘event’. I had surgery recently, very serious according to the surgeon and had I put it off longer I would have died. Caught it in time. My mother’s response when she heard? “I knew this was nothing….nothing at all. All these rumors flying around about your health.: That was 5 months ago. Since then? nothing. I am expendable in her life and now? She is the same in mine. And of course the flying monkeys are just like her. No, survival means you respect yourself and after all these years (over 50) where this narcissistic woman has caused such grief and abuse? No Contact is the ONLY sane thing to do. It’s hard because we have this inbred “mother I love you” inside, but consider what that ‘love’ really means. Selfish and abusive. Gad.

        Liked by 4 people

        • Your mother is so heartless! Wow! It’s terrible how expendable you are to her!

          No contact is usually the best solution for sure. Unfortunately there are situations where it’s not possible for various reasons. Sharing custody of kids with a narcissist, being financially dependent on them, wanting to go no contact but don’t have the courage yet, etc. I try to offer support with my writing for those who have gone no contact as well as for those who can’t. So many people are in both positions.

          Liked by 3 people

          • Yep. My mother insisted in introducing my adopted son as “her adopted son” to the garbage men. Probably the first time she ever talked to them. LOL. The insults, slights and demeaning come in big and small doses and we are supposed to ignore them to keep the peace. I don’t care anymore. She’s 100 and has long outlived the decency of life. She never really had compassion or empathy. But even trying to maintain contact with her is pointless. She ignores everything about me and my son, husband. And it took me 13 years of therapy to understand this: It’s based on jealousy. She thinks she is a poet but she puts no work into it and thinks anything she puts on paper is excellent. BS. I AM a poet, and an international poet and poetry is hard work. You don’t want to lie to the public. what you put out there should be the very best you can do. After 6 books of poetry and 2 novels (most recently) she hates this: it’s not about her LOL. She is a person I will not mourn when she kicks the bucket. She has taken too much out of my life and the lives of others…many who are now dead.

            Liked by 1 person

        • annealcroft

          You’re right about no contact and you’re right about the 100 year old witch.

          My father’s mother, another incestuous narcissist largely responsible for the arrogance, conceit, evil, and crimes of her No. 1 Son, lived to be 105. Everybody was expected to bow down to worship her. There were a few things about her that could be endearing, but very few.

          Recently I told my father that it was her evil that kept her here for 105 years and the truth is, if God had kept her here for another 105 years she still wouldn’t have figured it out. I pray for her soul and that’s about all I can do. She was an evil woman who took sadistic pleasure in doing her best to destroy the marriages of both her sons. As a result her daughters-in-law detested her though they were very gracious toward her.

          If you have never heard the story of Miss America By Day, of Marilyn Van Durbur, who was Miss America (1958 I think) and an incest survivor, here is a link to an excellent video of one of her speeches. She talks about exposing her father and his abuses and what happened when, as a celebrity, the news hit front page. Her courage is inspiring and what she says resonates deeply and profoundly. Well worth the time to watch:

          Good for you for sacking the birthday party! Brava!

          Truth is, where there are lies, there is no love. And where there is no love, there is no God.

          Liked by 1 person

        • ibikenyc

          I’m so glad you had the surgery in time and hope you heal completely and soon ❤

          Like

        • ibikenyc

          PS: “I knew this was nothing….nothing at all. All these rumors flying around about your health.”

          Guess all your physicians and surgeons never got that memo {eyeroll}

          Like

  3. I’d tell anyone contemplating going NC to be prepared for a severe backlash. When I began to talk about the abuse I was vilified on FB, and I’m sure that they smeared me in person to anyone who’d listen. But I’d also tell them that the peace we gain from NC is worth it.

    Liked by 6 people

    • AMEN!! I don’t think enough people talk about what to expect after initiating no contact. So many say “just go no contact” like it’s no big deal & it’ll solve all the problems. It’s not that easy & it often creates new problems. It’s absolutely worth it down the road, but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy solution, especially in the beginning.

      Liked by 5 people

  4. I went NC 9 years ago..this October.
    The stages of grief traversed…one comes into that space of acceptance of the true nature, of the horror adult children of parental narcisistic abuse have come through. It was really 2 years ago..this month that a peace came upon me…and I realized I was in the horrible relief stage.
    It’s where anger and the taste of betrayal no longer linger…there are no sparks to ignite that wound in the heart…there is simply the horrible relief…it’s awful a loving human must know this type of grief…
    And for me…I was 56 years old…when I chose to set myself free…
    I have not seen nor spoken to any of them….
    God has guided this experience and my faith has been fortified in taking each day as a new one…not a continuation of yesterday’s garbage….
    I am a whole Being…and my broken parts healed a bit bent…but that is ok with me…I believe I can see around the corners of people better that way.
    Cynthia, I have followed you for years on WP…and your sharings have indeed been both supportive and real…I thank you for sharing your scars..
    God Bless You and all of us…
    Namaste

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you for sharing your experiences. They are so encouraging!

      And thank you for your complement & for following my blog! I appreciate you! ❤

      Liked by 4 people

    • annealcroft

      Blooms and Thorns, what you say is genuinely encouraging. I second Cynthia’s comment and agree that her writings are very “real.” Well said.

      It takes courage, determination, and a commitment to go NC. I’ve tried a few times but relapsed though now I feel as though I am authentically at the point of no return.

      You are right about the grief. Over the past several months this grief hit me in ways that were mysterious. A few times when I went to weekday Mass I found myself weeping inconsolably without knowing exactly why though at the bottom of my heart, I guess I did know that I was grieving the death of my family. The whole thing. All of them. Father, sister, niece, cousins, aunts, uncles. My father managed to pit all of them against me and none of them were smart enough to figure it out for themselves. Maybe someday they will. I believe in the power of positive thinking and though for now we must go NC, we have to turn all of this over to God and trust that it will all work out far better than we could have imagined. We carry our cross for Him.

      Having a support system is incredibly important and it is also very empowering to expose the abuser. Though it hurts, it becomes a matter of survival and also a way of helping the narcissist to somehow repent for their abuses if that is ever possible. Cynthia writes about her father changing at the very end of his life though that is a rarity. Our most important tool is prayer.

      Liked by 2 people

      • ibikenyc

        I’m so sorry about all your pain ❤

        I often find that the hardest part of relying on God is remembering to ask for His help.

        Liked by 3 people

        • annealcroft

          You’re right, it is very difficult to rely on God and to remember to ask for His help.

          One thing I am realizing profoundly is how deeply and at such a very early age my father managed to squeeze God right out of my heart. That was his agenda, to kill my soul. I can remember exactly the moment when I first felt that horrible deathly attack of his that, as Sister Emmanuel Maillard describes it in one of her interviews that I’ll post here, it literally feels as though God has been torn right out of you. It is very difficult to trust God when a natural father has betrayed, abused, stolen from, cheated, disgraced, ignored, belittled his own daughter. I knew at a very young age that there was no hope that he would ever stop.

          Now I find myself constantly searching for the reasons why prayers for relief from this madness aren’t answered and I realize that I live my life with a chronic feeling of deep-seated guilt for having been born. If it weren’t for a few elderly friends I was so incredibly blessed to have along the way I don’t know how I would have survived. These were very lovely ladies who were my best friends though in their 80s and 90s so they were ephemeral friendships but indelibly spiritual in that they genuinely cared about me and saw exactly what my family was doing to me. And there was one absolutely true gentleman, an elderly man, who lived next door to me who I can think of as about the only man I ever knew who I would have loved to have had as my father. He was kind, respectful, considerate, and cared enough about me to ask me thoughtful questions about myself that reached my heart in ways that were so dear it was almost painful. I will never forget these precious people and how blessed I was that God crossed our paths so in that way He does answer prayers.

          Escaping the abuse of a narcissist brings us on a very strange journey through this thing called life.

          Liked by 2 people

          • annealcroft

            Here’s the link to the video where Sister Maillard talks about having her heart squeezed right out of her which many of us likely relate to.

            Liked by 1 person

          • My grandparents raised me until I was almost 6 years old. My grandfather was a minister..my mother had married and decided her and the step father wanted me to live with them. I was 6 when i was sexually violated by this monster. My mother did not rescue me. At age 7 I was told I ran away…I always believed I must have because they came to this house where me and another girl went deep in the night on some dirt road. I figured we must have ran away together…I was immediately labeled a run away..it was during this journey of survival, as I became older..I was sold and traded in sex houses and was beaten with razor straps to be silent or be dead..
            I held alot of guilt for trying to gain these sick people’s love..
            Yes..
            The girl of me..never got to be a girl..I was too busy surviving…so I never learned to live..
            That sick step father died in 2006..I stood at his death bed..held his hand and told him I forgave him…this was the hardest thing …yet…I felt I was spirit guided..it was not something I ever thought i would do…
            As sick as this was to me..I knew this was how I could remove myself from survival and come into the living…
            It really was at that october 31st, 2006 night…that my childhood no longer defined me…
            It died with him…
            My mother had to have known…yet when i confronted them as an adult..they smeared me to whomever would listen…
            And..yet..I just went on pretending…until I just couldn’t anymore..
            I always had a wonderful relationship with my daughter..or so I thought…when she turned 18, I came home from work to find she had moved all her things put…no note no clue what happened.
            I called my mom..who lived 3 hours away and asked her if she had heard from her. She told me no. I looked for that girl everywhere. I was sick with worry and yet when i called to report her missing the police told me, she was of age so I could simply just file a missing persons.
            This was july…1980…it was in early December and I told my mother my husband and I would be there for Christmas. She said I better tell you that your daughter is here and has been here since July. I started crying asking why would she let me worry and hurt so deeply..she said coldly..because she did not want you to know…
            I couldn’t believe my ears…how can a mother want her child to hurt to her soul..and act like it was no big deal…how could this daughter that I cherished and adored betray me like this
            I forgave my mother for that…
            I have a scar from that..that I truly believe…is a Soul tattoo..it will always be a reminder of the strength God built into me…..
            I have placed it all in the grave so very long ago..but it took a very long time..to finally walk away from that grave…
            You are so right..it is trust that can no longer be so easily given….
            When one comes from these depths…ones vision has expanded..we see through humans and can feel the Soul..or the lack of one indeed…
            I am living proof that being broken…is the true beginning..for we were all too busy fearing and trying to survive silently…to realize what broken even meant..
            You were so blessed to have these beautiful Beings in your life..Angels arrive in many coats of colors indeed!!!
            Prayers are answered always..it’s just..one must learn to hear the whisper of one’s Spirit…it’s the Breath of God…he rarely uses his outside voice!!
            Blessings abundant…you are cherished!!

            Liked by 2 people

            • annealcroft

              Blooms and Thorns, your mother derived sadistic pleasure from alienating your daughter from you. There is something deeply troubling about evil that intensely and willfully damaging to one’s own child that may, according to some diagnostic manual, be called psycho.

              It is very difficult to imagine the kind of abuse you have survived and though there are no words to say how sorry I am for all this has cost you, there are really no words to describe how incredibly joyful it is to read your words and realize how healthy, strong, and wise you have come through all of this and how wealthy you are in comparison to people who have never had to suffer and as a result, lack the depth that it takes to develop character and our spirituality.

              “I held alot of guilt for trying to gain these sick people’s love..
              Yes..
              The girl of me..never got to be a girl..I was too busy surviving…so I never learned to live..”

              How well I relate to exactly what you say here and how well you say it. This Father’s Day especially, this same sentiment has surfaced like grease for gravy. I am realizing more with each day how much my family projected their evil onto me and how that dug into my heart like a fishhook — as you say, the scar that leaves the soul tattoo.

              Forgiveness is difficult without an apology from the perpetrator, or at least some kind of remorse for the suffering they have caused us. The only way I can really get past what a rotten, wicked person my father is is to also see how pitiful he is and to remember that he, too, was abused as a child. His older sister told me a few stories about the way both his parents abused them as children and later in life, I would wager a parimutuel that he is an incest survivor. His relationship with his mother would make your hair stand on end. My mother used to say, “She’s his wife. I am his mother.” So now his gold-digger girlfriend, whose birthday is the same day as my grandmother’s, can be both his mommy and wife. Put that one in your pipe and smoke it, as my mother also used to say! Oy vey!

              God calls us in ways that are beyond our understanding immediately, but little by little, with each breath, actually, we learn how magnificent His love is for us when we realize we, too, have been crucified with Him.

              Like

            • ibikenyc

              My heart is aching for you ❤

              Like

      • Yes, it was my entire bloodline as well.
        It even involved my daughter. She was 39 the last time I saw her..she is now 48.
        I did talk to to my mother and told her, I would not play this sick game anymore. I told her, the truth is what we must stand in. I told her I would no longer accept her scapegoating and her abusive emotional abuse. I spoke to my daughter and I sat earnestly with her and told her how precious she is to me..even though she speaks lies about me, making me out like a bad person and I told her I forgave her and that she was an adult. If that is her choice, I accept it, but I can no longer let you treat me as if I have done something wrong. I love you and I hand you your own baggage as I will no longer beg you to stop listening to her grandmother. I will no longer be tied to the whipping post….that was September 2011…October 17, 2011, I answered the phone and it was my mom and she started her fishing..I said softly..while shaking…mom, I will no longer allow you to lie to me or abuse me..she hung up on me…and I never heard from her again.
        I wrote 2 letters..letting them know I forgave them and I wrote that the mature conversations must take place.
        I never heard back from them…
        I was angry..an anger that I shared with God..I prayed and yet I was not able to let go of the entire life of being betrayed and I held so much guilt..for I knew what they were doing but..I wanted and wished for a real relationship with them. I had to take responsibility …that I indeed had lived my entire life to please them and to be what or who they designed me to be…
        I cannot express the degree of anger I had…
        My whole life was crumbling…my 30 year career had ended..my husband was diagnosed with cancer..and here I was…completely severed from my abusive mother and an abusive adult daughter……
        The entire bloodline severed….how does a person maintain grace with that!!!
        Well..one does that…one day at a time by being honest each day With what

        Liked by 1 person

        • One is feeling and then accepting myself as I was…
          I never tried to contact them again…and when people do not contact you…they are speaking their truth..they had been exposed…and there it was….I finally could forgive myself and I decided..I would not waste one more day of this life..being grief stricken….
          I prayed for them daily..and begged God to show them their light.
          2 years ago..God spoke to me through a most profound moment..and a great peace came upon me and from that September morning to right now..I have had blessing after blessing upon my life ….I no longer grieve…and I feel a strength within..i feel my true nature…I see where I have traversed the sharp edges of my pain and I know this is God Filled…
          I am content and blessed in His Light…
          There are no “should have”or “what ifs ” in my thoughts…
          It takes one..as long as it tales to come into the space of authentic self…
          It is there..that you feel Soul healed…
          It’s a journey that demands one to be accepting of being in the Potters hands…skins are shed…and we cut our feet on all our broken pieces…
          Scars form….and comes a time…we realize our God shaped heart…
          Thank you all for your kindness and your light…
          I appreciate you all
          Namaste

          Liked by 1 person

          • annealcroft

            So true what you say about surrendering to the Potter’s hands. That’s the key, surrender to God. Not easy, yet it should be. The only reason why it is not easy is that we hold onto something for whatever our reasons are that we think we need, but what we need is to let go of what we think we need and let the Potter give us what He knows we need.

            Our unresolved trauma runs our lives and though there is trauma in having our entire bloodline tribe massacred by narcissism, there is no other way but for that to happen in order for us to free ourselves from the never-ending nightmare they make of our lives. It is difficult to imagine having to sever ties with a daughter though a close friend has needed to do the same with her daughter for similar reasons.

            When you speak of traversing the sharp edges of your pain, it takes great determination and courage to reach the space of authentic self. It is a constant struggle to lift up a broken heart to our Lord, to overcome the gnawing anxiety that makes the stomach turn like a cement mixer and most of all, to TRUST that once we do surrender completely to the Potter, it is really perfectly safe to do so.

            We find ourselves isolated and reaching out in whatever way we can is critical to our healing. Praying for our abusers is not always easy yet that is critical for the efficacy of our prayer.

            Your posts are wonderful and beautifully poetic, filled with wisdom and encouragement. They could be set to music, honestly. Thank you!

            Blessings,
            AA

            Liked by 1 person

  5. No Contact. I went NC 10 years ago, but I broke it a number of times. We are not heartless like the narcissists but we learn that our idea of love is different from theirs. They don’t understand love. They think it a weakness. And about NC? It’s not easy….it seems easy in the very beginning because you are throwing off the abusive behaviors but the flying monkeys take up their sword. I’ve had major surgery about 3 times and each time my ‘mother’ who was a nurse back in the 40’s….ignored me. Couldn’t be bothered. The interesting thing is my “Christian” brothers and sister in laws are mirroring the chief narcissist. My husband had a stroke 6 years ago. Because of a poem I wrote about my sil’s sister who killed herself becaues of the intolerance of her family, (she was a lesbian) they all ignored my husband’s stroke. Not one word. And sil admitted they all ignored my husband’s stroke because of the very sympathetic poem. And these are Christians? two years ago my brother had a massive stroke….diabetic. We sent a lot of money and comfort, I refused to behave like them. But of course, their mentality never changed. NC usually extends to the flying monkeys.It’s necessary to clean out the whole tribe of narcissists. Because narcissism doesn’t fall far from the tree. So, it’s unsettling and hard in the beginning (or later) but the Peace that you get from the action is unbelievable. You have time and space to heal. You are unbalanced by their behavior for so many years, but when you get your legs under you, you can really fly. Your health and safety are primary and you realize what has been sacrificed after so many years of abuse. You might have bent parts, but at least you are all there.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Pretty sure we all break no contact the first time or two we try it. Like you said, we’re not heartless like narcissists, so it’s normal.

      That is the truth! After no contact, the flying monkeys definitely take up the sword. One of the reasons no contact isn’t the easy solution lots of people think it is. Sure, you get rid of the narcissist, but the flying monkeys often swoop in to take their place.

      Not surprising your mother ignored your surgeries. They didn’t affect her so obviously they weren’t important! UGH!

      A poem is why they ignored your husband’s stroke?! A simple poem. Oh yes.. real Christian behavior there! (yes, being incredibly sarcastic)

      I’m glad you didn’t act like them when your brother had a stroke. Whether they cared or not, at least you proved you’re not like them.

      Exactly.. no contact isn’t just for the narcissist but their entourage as well. It can be very daunting, losing so many people at once, but it sure is a relief as well.

      Absolutely beautiful way you described no contact! That is SO very true! As hard as it can be, all of those things make it absolutely worth it!

      Liked by 5 people

      • Thank you, dear heart! that is so encouraging your comment. It is hard, but you are exactly right about the flying monkeys!!!! They take up the ball and run with it. In fact, you can accept that the chief narcissist is a narcissist but it comes at first a surprise….that the flying monkeys are such opportunists! But they are afraid of the chief narcissist. Some christians….LOL>

        Liked by 3 people

    • annealcroft

      “And these are Christians?”

      No, they are not Christians. They are flying monkeys posturing themselves as Christians. They are hypocrites and our churches are infested with them. A Bible in one hand and a knife in the other. They will “mirror” the chief narcissist, as you point out, because they fear the chief often because the chief abuses them, too. This is called Stockholm Syndrome, if I’m not mistaken.

      “Jesus did not say — Make converts to your way of thinking, but look after My sheep, see that they get nourished in the knowledge of Me. We count as service what we do in the way of Christian work; Jesus Christ calls service what we are to Him, not what we do for Him. Discipleship is based on devotion to Jesus Christ, not on adherence to a belief or a creed. “If any man come to Me and hate not…, he cannot be My disciple.” There is no argument and no compulsion, but simply — “If you would be My disciple, you must be devoted to Me.” A man touched by the Spirit of God suddenly says — “Now I see Who Jesus is,” and that is the source of devotion.

      To-day we have substituted credal belief for personal belief, and that is why so many are devoted to causes and so few devoted to Jesus Christ. People do not want to be devoted to Jesus, but only to the cause He started. Jesus Christ is a source of deep offence to the educated mind of to-day that does not want Him in any other way than as a Comrade. Our Lord’s first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men; the saving of men was the natural outcome of His obedience to the Father. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a door-mat. The secret of a disciple’s life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of the life is its unobtrusiveness. It is like a corn of wheat, which falls into the ground and dies, but presently it will spring up and alter the whole landscape (John 12:24).” -Oswald Chambers, From My Utmost for His Highest Classic Edition

      Liked by 1 person

  6. On the jump to No Contact thing – I would love everyone’s opinions here! I think the reasons I haven’t gone No Contact with my mother is for 2 reasons.
    1. I am a coward
    2. I feel like cutting off one narcissist in my life won’t stop more narcissists from coming in.

    Like the hydra myth – cut off one head, and two grow back.

    In other words, if I can learn to “manage” my mother through gray rock, boundaries and learning to say “No”, then I will be able to better manage other narcissists that come into my life.

    Narcissists will always “smell” the “nice guy” on me. So, work it out with mother. Then go back into corporate world with tools learned

    I don’t know if that makes sense or not.

    I just feel like, if I learn to “manage” my horrible mother with boundaries, etc., then maybe I can “manage” everyone else. Otherwise, I will just throw myself into the next job, friendship, relationship, etc. And, again lose myself completely. I do not want to keep repeating these patterns.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nah, you aren’t a coward. You probably have a better mentality about love and family than they all deserve. And never think you can control your mother…even with boundaries. They will bitch and complain that YOU are the reason for ‘lack o’ love towards them, You can’t ever win these things because you aren’t playing with an even ground. And they keep changing the goal posts. They are rank opportunists. Also, don’t worry about other narcissists coming into your life. They will, because they smell fresh meat. Learn to identify narcissists by their attitude and behavior to you and others first. Then you have the power to avoid them. narcissism is enormous in human behavior. You only can protecct and defend yourself IF you know their game. Then you can avoid them…..don’t let them run the game. Best from here. I have many scars from their assaults and at 72 I’m not going to let them take more flesh!

      Liked by 2 people

    • You’re no coward, that’s for sure. No contact is a strange thing.. I think you have to be very prepared for it & that preparation takes a lot of time Until you know you’re ready for that, beyond a doubt, management is the best you can do.

      Liked by 2 people

    • ibikenyc

      I agree that you are definitely no coward! Leaving behind forever everything you’ve ever known would be terrifying for anyone.

      I, too, am struggling with the fear of repeating horrible patterns. It’s easy for me to sit here now and say, “Never again! Not me!” but I am all too aware of just how susceptible I am likely to be to a kind word or any sign of interest in me.

      Oh, do I hear you about, “Narcissists will always ‘smell’ the ‘nice guy’ on me.” A thing that’s helped me a lot with that was something I read somewhere to the effect that it’s NOT you: They are predators and will try it on with any and everyone. The difference is in the response(s) they get. Understanding that it really ISN’T me has been very empowering.

      I also hear you about abusive work situations. The overwhelming majority of my jobs involved reporting to Cluster B bosses in badly-dysfunctional workplaces. I have no advice but a lot of sympathy.

      Liked by 2 people

    • annealcroft

      “On the jump to No Contact thing – I would love everyone’s opinions here! I think the reasons I haven’t gone No Contact with my mother is for 2 reasons.
      1. I am a coward”

      A coward is someone who refuses to acknowledge his faults, admit his errors, and repent of his sins. I coward is someone who refuses to take responsibility for his actions.

      That being said, the narcissist is always a coward. Oddly, they are also powerful though when backed into a corner, either they retaliate, refuse to be held accountable, become a beastly baby as Edward Gorey calls that, or actually go NC with whoever has the audacity to hold him accountable.

      Going NC is no easy feat. As you know, I’ve been struggling with going NC with my father. But there’s a hook. Unfortunately for me, it is a financial hook because he holds my inheritance which is money I now depend upon. And that was his agenda, to embezzle my inheritance, then administer a trust while he goes around telling people he has to support me, but the real reason is, he is an abuser and financial abuse gives him great please since he can no longer abuse me sexually. For the narcissist money, sex, and power are his trinity.

      It seems to me that there must be, for those of us struggling with going cold turkey NC, that somewhere there is at least one hook we need to free ourselves from.

      This Father’s Day, after asking my father a few times if he would even consider trying to get his two daughters together to spend Father’s Day with him, he literally gave me the cold shoulder. He is vindictive and violent and because I have been trying to hold him accountable lately on many issues that he is in-your-face guilty of, he puts his tail between his legs and hides. HE is a coward. He is a coward because he refuses to admit that he is an adulterer. He will come up with every lie he can think of to cover a lie that he KNOWS he is guilty of. Lying is his way of life. He lies about everything. He can’t stop himself. It would be almost comical if it weren’t so dangerous because now he can’t remember his own lies. He’s stark raving mad but there’s nothing I can do about it.

      There is a chance your mother is stark raving mad, too. And oddly, somewhere along the way, we began to feel responsible for these people because they unloaded on us. They made us feel responsible for them.

      “Narcissists will always “smell” the “nice guy” on me. So, work it out with mother. Then go back into corporate world with tools learned

      I don’t know if that makes sense or not.”

      Yes and no. That makes sense only if it helps you to realize that you are not grounded in your own truth. There is one fundamental question we need to ask ourselves: “What is my destination?” The next question is, “How am I going to get there?”

      When we can stay focused on our destination and keep our eyes on the Prize, then it seems reasonable to conclude that our Faith will give us every tool we need to extricate ourselves from the hooks that keep us bound to the narcissists in our lives, the toxic people who sadly, are never going to change. It is an absolute miracle if and when they do, when the Holy Spirit comes upon them, and the only way that happens is if their eyes are open to their sins and they repent, before it’s too late. There’s no beating around the bush. Sin is sin and the Bible is explicitly clear about what sin is. And that is not negotiable. Anything else is humanism and that will not get us through the narrow gate.

      Like

  7. Read as much from blogs on the internet about parental narcissists. It’s a slog but it is important. Know also that if you have achieved any success with your talents or your life, you will be in for rejection: The key thing with narcissists is jealousy. They will also try to take credit for your successes. You succeeded because you put in the hard work and you have the chops. Don’t let them and their flying monkeys confuse you about this. Narcissists always lie and try to rewrite history.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. annealcroft

    “Narcissists always lie and try to rewrite history.”

    So very true. That is the pandemic of our time and the death of our culture.

    Like

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