Many victims of narcissistic abuse experience the same thing. After months, years or even a lifetime of abuse, they realize they can’t take the abuse anymore. They then escape the narcissist & are met with further abuse from other people instead of love, concern & support.
That abuse frequently consists of victims being told they are oversensitive, they need to forgive, aren’t being so called “good Christians,” they shouldn’t go no contact because the narcissist is family & other similar nonsense. Possibly the worst of the comments many victims hear though is when people tell the victim that they are the abusive one. I think one of the most painful things any abuse victim can hear is that they are acting like someone who caused them unimaginable pain & suffering. It’s cruel & it also can cause victims to have doubts about their behavior. Following is some food for thought for narcissistic abuse victims as well as for anyone who may have said these things.
When a victim escapes their narcissist & refuses to have any further contact, that doesn’t make a victim immature, unforgiving or pouting like a spoiled little child. It also doesn’t mean the victim is being passive aggressive by giving their abuser the silent treatment. It means the victim is protecting him or her self from further abuse, not being abusive towards anyone.
When a victim finally tells others about what the narcissist did, this also isn’t abusive. This is someone speaking the truth about unthinkable suffering they have endured. This person is looking for support, to work through their pain, to warn others who know the abuser & even to help raise awareness of narcissistic abuse. There is absolutely no way this is abusive!
When people tell the victim how they should return to the relationship, anyone should refuse to engage with people like this because clearly they are toxic. Doing so is not abusive. What is abusive, however, is when people tell other people they should return to an abusive relationship, & shame them for not wanting to tolerate abuse any longer. I admit, this is a particularly sensitive topic with me. When I broke my engagement to my now ex husband, several people told me I should get back together with him because he was miserable without me. After going no contact with my parents, people said I needed to “fix things with them”, as if I was the only one who could repair that relationship. In both situations, not one person asked why I severed ties with these people & they encouraged me to return to relationships that were detrimental to me. See how abusive that is?
People who tell others to “take the high road” or “be the bigger person” are the abusive ones, not those who refuse to take that supposed high road. Tolerating abuse doesn’t make you a good person. It isn’t good or holy. It’s foolish.
People who share criticisms with victims of how victims handled the abusive relationship when the victim didn’t ask for their thoughts are being abusive. The victim is not being abusive for not handling the abuser the way this person thinks they should. The victim is also not being abusive because he or she tells this person that they didn’t ask for that person’s opinion.
People who move on & enjoy their life after surviving narcissistic abuse aren’t deserving of shame, nor are they narcissists. To shame them or call them narcissistic for finally having the ability to enjoy their lives is abusive.
If you are faced with people who call you abusive or they abuse you for ending an abusive relationship, they clearly have problems. Always remember, you aren’t being abusive in any way for protecting yourself from them or your abuser! Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.