Doing Weird Things After Narcissistic Abuse

I’ve done something for so long, I didn’t even realize I did it until recently.  When I drive past a building with big glass windows or some sort of reflective surface, I look at myself driving.

Recently I caught myself doing this & thought, ok, I’m weird.  I’ve known this for years & accepted my weirdness.  This looking at myself driving thing though.. wow.  I don’t even like looking at myself in a mirror when I put on makeup or looking at pictures of myself.  Making my YouTubes is a big struggle for me, so why am I doing this?!

Suddenly it hit me… because when I was a teenager, I had to fight my mother terribly to get a driver’s license.  My friends were driving at 16, & their parents often bought them their first car.  Their parents put everything in their name to keep insurance costs down.  Meanwhile I had to fight my mother badly to get a license.  She wouldn’t even let me see my birth certificate.  She showed it to the employee at the Motor Vehicles Administration after shielding me from seeing it.  When I failed the first test, she told me she knew I would because I wasn’t ready to drive.  When I got my permit & wanted to get myself a car, she told me she’d take me shopping one day so I could see how stupid I was for thinking I could afford a car.  She picked a car out for me that I absolutely HATED.  It was ugly & over priced.

A month or so later, I picked out my first car & got my license.. here is a picture that my mother took of me with that special & I still think absolutely adorable little car..

Cyndi & Baby, November, 1989.jpg

This is me in 1989 with Baby, my 1978 Buick Skyhawk that I hope to restore one day.

I realized something recently…

The reason I still ogle myself driving when I can isn’t just because I like my pretty cars.  It’s because I never take driving for granted.  I had to fight hard to get my license.  I paid for my first car, insurance, maintenance & everything by myself.  I worked hard & accomplished what I wanted to.  No one can take that away from me.  My first car in particular is a symbol of that which is why she’s special to me &  I hope to restore her.  Driving any car reminds me of what I managed to accomplish on my own though, no thanks to my parents.  I’m proud of that, & seeing myself behind the wheel of a car, in particular my own, is a reminder of that.

I mentioned this to my husband recently & was rather nervous about admitting it.  He shocked me by understanding completely & said “You should be proud of that!  Celebrate it!  Enjoy driving!  Take pictures of yourself behind the wheel!”  That helped me to see that maybe I’m not as weird as I thought I was..

Is there anything “strange” you do that is like what I do?  If so, I want to encourage you to embrace that.  Don’t think of it as weird like I have done with looking at myself when driving.  Instead, celebrate it!  Be proud of whatever it is you have accomplished in spite of your narcissistic parent.  You did something on your own without the help of a narcissistic parent.  That isn’t an easy feat when you consider you have had a narcissistic parent or two trying to keep you down your whole life.  Be proud that you overcame that & still did whatever it is that you did.  It’s ok to be proud of yourself!  You deserve to feel that way!  xoxo

6 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

6 responses to “Doing Weird Things After Narcissistic Abuse

  1. Cindy Smith

    Cute pic.Love the car!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s a beautiful picture, Cynthia. The car is nice looking, too. 😀

    Being raised by two abusive narcissists and then being in relationships with abusive narcissists, I’ve had some issues with cars, too. My dad did a lot of road rage driving. Many of my earliest memories are of my dad swearing, the engine roaring, tires squealing, horns honking, me being flung all around the back seat and down into the floor — we didn’t have seatbelts, then — and my mom screaming ” STOP RICKY YOU’LL GET US ALL KILLED!” After my parents’ marriage ended when I was twelve, my depressed mother confessed to me one day that she had been thinking about driving us all off a cliff. After that, every time she drove us anywhere, I sat up front, watching the road and every move my mother made, ready to grab the wheel if she started to drive us into danger.

    There were even more terrifying issues with a couple of my abusive exes and cars, but I won’t go into all that now. Until I finally got the right kind of help for my complex PTSD, I kept getting into relationships with people who were as crazy, narcissistic, and abusive as my parents. So — I guess it’s no wonder that I can never relax when I am in a car! It doesn’t even matter if I am the one behind the wheel — I keep looking out for other road raging, suicidal and homicidal drivers.

    Changing the subject: I found an Arizona Bark Scorpion on the floor right outside our bedroom door last night. I’m so thankful that I found it and captured it, before our dogs got near it, or before it stung one of us. It’s sting will make a person extremely sick for up to three days, and it can even kill a pet or an elderly person. Yikes! We will be getting an exterminator in here this week. Praise God for His protection from abusive narcissists, road ragers, and Bark Scorpions!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think embracing your accomplishments is important and, I agree, such a hard won victory when breaking free of control. I appreciate your posts.

    Like

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