Narcissistic Abuse Isn’t Personal

When experiencing narcissistic abuse, it feels like the narcissist is attacking you like a hungry lion attacks prey.  They do their level best to destroy everything about you.  That feels incredibly personal, doesn’t it?  The fact is though that it isn’t.

Narcissists are incredibly selfish & self serving.  Every single thing they do is motivated by how it will serve or benefit them.

If a narcissist calls you ugly or stupid, it isn’t because he or she thinks you are.  It’s because it makes the narcissist feel powerful when they see you hurting because of that insult.

If your narcissistic spouse destroys your financial status, that isn’t about you either.  Destroying your finances makes him or her feel powerful.  You can’t leave him or her without money.  You can’t rent a place to live with a bad credit rating.  You are forced to maintain the relationship with this narcissist, & they love having that control.

If the narcissist in your life is your parent who refuses to treat you like an adult, again, that isn’t about you.  It doesn’t mean the narcissist believes you aren’t a capable adult.  Treating you as a child well past childhood gives that parent the control they want over you by making you feel incapable.

At the core of narcissistic behavior is the drive for narcissistic supply.  Narcissistic supply is anything that feeds the ego.  Everyone appreciates narcissistic supply to some degree.  A sincere complement makes you feel good, doesn’t it?  Most people appreciate complements.  Some may even fish for them once in a while, asking questions like, “Does this dress look ok on me?” in the hopes of hearing, “You look beautiful in that dress!”  That is narcissistic supply on a normal scale.  Narcissists, however, take this to an extreme.

Narcissists will do anything to gain their narcissistic supply & gain it often.  They have no problem tearing another person’s self esteem apart or manipulating & controlling others to get it.  The fact others are hurt in this process isn’t important to narcissists, due to their complete lack of empathy.  All that matters is they accomplish or obtain whatever it is that they want at that moment.  And, once that moment is done, they are looking for their next moment.

Narcissists are much like hard core drug addicts, always looking for their next high, & they will do anything to get that high.  The only difference is their drug of choice is narcissistic supply.

Always remember that what narcissists do is about them, not you. Even hurting, even destroying, you isn’t about you.  Every single solitary thing narcissists do is always about them & procuring their precious narcissistic supply, period.  The more you remember this, the less devastated you will be when the narcissist in your life says & does the terrible things they do to you.

One word of warning: this realization shows just what a damaged person the narcissist is.  It’s sad when you realize that someone’s thinking could be so warped as to not care about the tremendous amount of damage they do to others, including those they say they love.  While yes, this is sad, please don’t let yourself feel too much pity for the narcissist, because that can lead you down the path of tolerating their abuse.  Remember, they have chosen over & over to do the abusive things they have done.  This has shut down their empathy, & made it easier for them to continue to abuse.  While it’s sad they are as they are, narcissism is ultimately a result of their bad choices.

5 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

5 responses to “Narcissistic Abuse Isn’t Personal

  1. Hi Cynthia . Again, you have hit the nail right on the head in this post.

    “At the core of narcissistic behavior is the drive for narcissistic supply.  Narcissistic supply is anything that feeds the ego. … Narcissists will do anything to gain their narcissistic supply & gain it often.  They have no problem tearing another person’s self esteem apart or manipulating & controlling others to get it.  The fact others are hurt in this process isn’t important to narcissists, due to their complete lack of empathy.”

    My stepdaughter is going through this with a very narcissistic boss. I’m going to share this post with her. The problems with her new boss started back in March, and it’s been causing her all kinds of anguish. All the boss seems to care about is making herself look good, by trying to make other people look bad. Until this person took over, after the former general manager died, my stepdaughter loved her job. Now, it’s a daily struggle. I love her like she’s one of my own kids, and knowing she is going through this is breaking my heart.

    As a mom, I want to go tell this boss exactly what I think of her. But I know that would be the WRONG thing to do! But oh… my inner Mama Bear is hurting!

    Like

    • Your comment ended up in Spam.. no clue why! Sorry, I just saw this because of that.

      I bet your inner Mama Bear is hurting right now! It’s so hard watching someone you love be abused by one of these monsters. She’s fortunate to have you in her corner though. Your support & love plus knowledge about NPD must be incredibly helpful! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for rescuing my comment from spam! All of my comments were going to spam, about a week ago. Then I contacted the super helpful people at Askimet, and within an hour they had fixed the problem. But they did say there was no way they could get my comments out of spam, that were already there, they were only able to stop it from happening in the future.

        Thank you also for your kind words regarding my stepdaughter’s work situation. If she didn’t have her dad and me in her corner, I have no doubt that she would have given up and found a job somewhere else. Even so, she was tempted to quit. She was starting to look for a job elsewhere. Of course, we would support her, regardless of where she works. But she loves her job with the department of defense, working as a supervisor in a mission essential job on a military base. She has been there five years and is building up a good retirement, which she couldn’t do elsewhere. So, rather than quit, she filed an EEO complaint. Which so far is making a positive difference, yaay!

        Like

        • Wow.. odd your comments went to spam for that time! Glad they fixed it at least! Hopefully others saw your comments in spam & rescued them!

          That is wonderful her complaint is making a difference! That doesn’t always happen with government positions. Hopefully things will improve for her soon & she can resume enjoying her job!!

          Liked by 1 person

          • The reason my stepdaughter’s EEO complaint is making a positive difference, is because the narcissistic boss apparently isn’t intelligent enough to be a successful narcissist, if you know what I mean. The boss has left an undeniable, incriminating paper trail, plus she can’t keep her lies straight. If only all narcissists were so inept, this world would be a much better place!

            Liked by 1 person

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