Narcissists Aren’t The Only Ones Who Have Important Things Happen To Them

Anyone who has been subjected to narcissistic abuse knows that unless it affects a narcissist, a narcissist isn’t going to care about it.  Period.  As if that isn’t bad enough, they train victims to feel the same way.  No matter what happens to a victim, it isn’t important.  You could be lying in a pool of blood after someone hacked off your leg while the narcissist with you has a cold, & that narcissist will do their best to convince you that your freshly severed leg is no big deal.  Their sniffles though, now that is a crisis, so you need to stop whining about your leg!

Narcissists manage to convince victims of the lack of importance of their problems subtly.  They’re so subtle, most of us don’t even pay attention to what they are doing until years later when we realize it.

My overtly narcissistic mother simply ignored my problems.  I might as well have said nothing, because she would act as if I didn’t say anything or talk over me to change the subject.  There were other times if she did listen, she would blame me for the problem, even when I wasn’t at fault.

My father & ex husband, both covert narcissists, used a different tactic.  They would let me talk, listening to every word I said.  It seemed like they cared, but they didn’t.  They wouldn’t respond like a normal person & say “I’m sorry that happened to you” or “Are you ok?  Can I do anything to help?”  Instead, they would tell me how upset they were or how hard my problem was for them.

For example, the night in 1990 when I was 19 & my mother threw me into a wall, both my father & ex husband turned that into their crisis.  My ex said how upset he was that my mother did this, he was furious with her for hurting my back, etc. etc.  Not once that evening or in the years following did he offer me any comfort.

My father brought up that night periodically until he died.  Mostly about how awful it was that when he walked out, my mother locked him out of the house.  His keys were in his pocket & he could’ve come back inside at any time.  He also mentioned how bad the damage was where my mother threw me into.  It took him time to patch it up.  A couple of years before he died, my father literally said to me, “It’s ok.. you don’t have to apologize for busting up that wall.  I fixed it & it’s all over.”  I was blown away!  Why would I apologize?  Yes, it was me that broke a wall but not due to my own carelessness!  It was because my mother, who was much stronger than me, threw me into the thing!  And for the record, I told him this.

Although narcissists are clearly very good at training their victims to think their problems don’t matter, that doesn’t mean they are correct.  Not by a long shot, in fact.  For some reason, I never saw it until a few months after my mother died.  That is when I suddenly realized how it happened & how terrible it is!  I repeatedly have told myself that it wasn’t so bad, how my parents & ex treated me.  I’ve even doubted having C-PTSD in spite of flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression & more.

Please learn from my experiences!  Don’t buy the narcissist’s lies!  What happens to you *is* important!  It does matter!  Acknowledge your experiences for whatever they were.  Admit to yourself that you did great sometimes in spite of what the narcissist tells you.  Also admit that the traumatic ones were bad.  There is nothing wrong with that!  In fact, it’s a good thing to do because once you realize that, you can start to heal.

17 Comments

Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Christian Topics and Prayers, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health, Narcissism

17 responses to “Narcissists Aren’t The Only Ones Who Have Important Things Happen To Them

  1. Thank you for posting this. You handed me a eureka moment. Of course! Thank you, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You really do have to just not engage.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Every time I read about your mother throwing you into a wall and hurting your back, I feel sad and mad. The thought of your father complaining to you about the damage to the wall, and having the audacity to tell you that you don’t have to apologize for the damage your back did to the wall — it makes me see red! And your ex, your husband at the time, not giving you any kind of comfort, but getting all offended because his mother-in-law had damaged his wife — in other words, she damaged his property! Good grief, Cynthia! How did you survive all that to become the awesome person you are today? You had nobody who cared about you. Not your mother, not your father, not your then husband. And yet you survived and grew into such a beautiful person!

    Big ((HUGS))

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Linda, Doug, thank you both so much. I truly appreciate your kind words & validation! Hugs to both of you! ❤

    I honestly haven't thought much about that incident in a long time. Reading what you said though made me realize I haven't been sufficiently angry about it. At the time, I was struggling to survive it all. I had to find a new place to live immediately & move out of my parents' home. I also lost my job shortly after. I was scared because my back felt so awful. Then once those things were taken care of, life took over plus I had to focus on my new marriage & trying to make that work. Reading what you both said made me realize I should be angry about my parents & ex. Their treatment of me at that time (well, all the time!) was unacceptable & cruel. As tired as I am of dealing with trauma, I'm glad to realize this. Dealing with it is long overdue.

    Thank you both again!! You are so appreciated!

    Liked by 1 person

    • My uncle was a Vietnam vet. He says what we are going through is similar to soldiers coming home. Young and trying to move on they can ignore the trauma. Then PTSD hits them in their 40s and 50s and they have to deal with it. He told me it’s the same for me with my childhood. Very kind and validating. Same for you. I appreciate you so much!

      Liked by 1 person

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