Both of my parents died not terribly long after going no contact with them. My father within a few months in October, 2017 & my mother almost exactly 18 months later in April, 2019. I have done a LOT of thinking since then because, well, that’s what I do, I overthink things. lol One thing I thought about though made a lot of sense & I wanted to share it with you.
When someone goes no contact with their narcissistic parent, it seems most people assume that person hates their parent. They hate them so much, they can’t tolerate that person in their life any longer. I find that is rarely the case. Every person I’ve spoken with about this topic has said they loved their narcissistic parent deeply. It was the abuse they hated, which is why they felt they had no other choice but to go no contact.
I felt the same way. I hated how my parents treated me so badly, I felt I had no other choice but to go no contact. I prayed a lot, I tried a lot of things, & nothing I did or said helped the relationship. In fact, it kept getting worse.
Eventually I felt no contact was my only option & I prayed a LOT about that. I felt God wanted me to wait, so I did even though it was incredibly difficult. When the time felt right, I eliminated my parents from my life. It was the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. Later, I learned it was also the right thing to do.
Just before my father died, he accepted Jesus as his Savior. His miraculous story is on my website at www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com if you’d like to read it. Anyway part of the reason he turned to God was because I wouldn’t go say goodbye to him as he was dying, in spite of knowing he wanted me to & the constant harassment & bullying by people trying to force me to. Nothing else in his almost 80 years of life worked to make him turn to God, not even his own near death experience when he was a teenager.
After my mother died, I learned that she too accepted Jesus as her Savior. Apparently she had as a young child, but stepped away from her new faith probably because of the abuse she received at home. Me not having a relationship with her, I believe, helped to turn her towards God as it did my father. During our almost three years of no contact at the time of her passing, I prayed for her daily. During that time, God told me a few times that she was praying, asking God to make me contact her. He said that her motivations were purely selfish, so He didn’t want me to.
I think my story isn’t terribly unique. Many narcissistic parents end up alone in their final years, abandoned by the children they abused for their entire lives. I also can’t help but think many would turn to God in their desperation for help as my parents did. Hopefully they also would accept Jesus into their hearts as my parents did.
Dear Reader, as hard as it can be, please pray for your narcissistic parents. God hears those prayers, even when we pray from an attitude of “I’m only doing this because I know You want me to.” That was my attitude for a long time, yet in spite of it, both of my parents went to Heaven when they passed away. So please, keep praying for your narcissistic parents. Even if prayer is the only thing you can do for them, it is a very powerful & wonderful thing!
6 responses to “Loving Narcissistic Parents After No Contact”
I think these are very difficult decisions. The longing for parents to be parents ( strong, kind, committed) never really goes away. lt is a painful journey to say the least. I an glad your parents turned toward faith and I am sorry this journey has been so difficult.
It really doesn’t go away. If only it did, life with narcissistic parents would be so much easier. And it truly is a painful journey.
Thank you so much. ❤
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You’re an over thinker, too? No wonder I like you so much, lol.
This is a tough one. I went no contact with my dad, long before I had ever heard the term. When I was around 26 years old, I just couldn’t take his ongoing verbal abuse and projecting lies anymore. So when I moved to a different state, I simply did not tell him my new address or phone number.
After eight years of no communication with my father, I felt prompted to write him a loving letter, telling him that I was focussing on the good memories of my childhood with him, and remembering him in that light. Two months after I wrote and mailed that letter, he died of a heart attack. He was only 53. I was heartbroken, but I was comforted by the fact that I had written that nice letter to him.
Several months later, I learned that my dad’s hateful wife had thrown away my letter without even telling my dad about it. That really upset me! But I believe that somehow, after his death, God let my father know all about my letter. So I still take comfort from that.
More than thirty years have passed since my dad died, and my mother, by far my worst abuser, is still alive. After years of very intermittent contact, I went no contact with her in 2011. This time, I knew what no contact meant. And really, I should have done it much sooner.
In March of 2018, as I thought about the fact that my mother was now in her eighties, I sent her a card that I created on my computer graphics design program. I put several nice old photos from my childhood on the front of the card. Inside the card, I printed my favorite chapter in the Bible, Psalm 103. Then I hand wrote something like this: ‘I’m praying you have a happy birthday. I am remembering the happy times of my childhood. I love you and miss you.’ Finally, on the back of the card I printed a recent picture of me with my daughter. I also wrote my new address on the envelope.
My mother responded with a nice birthday card for me a couple of months later. She wrote her cell phone number inside the card.
I hesitated for a couple of months, and then I sent her a loving phone text, thanking her for the sweet birthday card and telling her that I love and miss her. She called me a few hours later. And then she said the most horrible, abusive, evil, lying thing that she has ever said to me in my entire life. And that’s saying something!
So I blocked her number, then changed my cell phone number for good measure. I am done! And by the way, I realized, as I thought more about it after the call, that she must have had me on speaker with other people listening in, or else she was recording the conversation, or both. That would explain what she said and the way she said it. She was trying to set me up to have a meltdown, so she could tell people “See how crazy Linda is?” But I didn’t meltdown, thank goodness. I simply said “I can’t do this anymore,” and hung up.
My brother told me recently that our mother now has dementia very bad. That’s so sad. I still miss having a mom, you know? But for me, no contact is the only way.
Thank you, Cynthia, for giving us a place to share this deep hurt, with people who will understand! Thank you, too, for the advice to pray for our parent daily. I have prayed a little for my mother. But now, thanks to your wise words, I am going to pray for her daily.
I am so sorry that you went through this deep hurt with both of your parents. But I am super grateful that God has given you such wisdom and grace through all your sorrow, and that you are now sharing it here, with us. ❤
I can overthink anything.. pick a topic, any topic! LOL
That was horrible of your father’s wife to hide your letter from him! Such a wicked thing to do! I do believe you’re right though, that God has told him about it so he knows all about it now. ❤
I remember that! So hard to believe the depths of depravity & evil in narcissists, isn't it? Your mother basically lured you in, setting you up to hurt you like that.
It is sad having no mom, but it's also completely understandable that no contact was the only way for you. That usually is the only solution with narcissists anyway I think, but your mother seems to be the worst one I've heard of yet. That's saying something!!
Thank you for everything you said & your validation ❤ I'm glad this is a safe space for you! We all need somewhere safe to talk about these horrible things our parents & other narcissists have done to us! So glad you are praying for your mother now too. It sounds like she needs the prayers more than ever now. Dementia is a horrific disease. God still can reach her even in her fog though. Remember, He reached my father while he was comatose & had moderate Alzheimer's disease.
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You have a kind heart, Cynthia. As you make clear, love does not require that we allow loved ones to destroy us. ❤
Thank you ❤
It definitely doesn't require that. It astounds me how many people seem to think it does when nothing could be further from the truth.